I'm not entirely sure how I got to this place, but I have a fear, a complete and utterly terrifying fear of February. I start to feel this impending doom around the middle of January as I feel February creeping into my calendar view.
Here it is, the "F" word...the nasty, dirty thing that it is - February!
There are a lot of thoughts about where I think this fear may have come from. The first being that I have never been dating someone and been spoiled on that dreaded day...February 14th. I have never gotten those beautiful red roses, chocolates or a romantic dinner.
There was a year, long, long ago, when I was asked on a Valentine's date. Like most of my attempts at special nights...it failed miserably with me sitting in a really hot outfit with my female roomie. We made the best of it and used edible body paint and rum to distract from the fact that my date flopped and although he showed up, he showed dressed casual (jeans!!), no flowers, no chocolates, no dinner plans...oh yeah, and he showed up on the door at 10pm.
I suppose ever since that really nasty event (which I do take partial credit for, which I'd rather not get into too much detail over ...now at least...), I've had a very terrifying time watching February 14th creep onto my calendar.
This year will be like all the others though...I will not have a date, I will not get flowers, I will not get chocolates and I will not get a romantic dinner with someone I love. I will inevitably be forced to watch my co-workers get flowers, eat their chocolates and discuss great dinner plans around the water cooler.
I almost feel a strange sort of acceptance about this though. Although my heart flutters and my squint in anger when I look at the calendar, I know that I'll get an "I love you" telephone call from Alena, I know that Akiko will send me an e-card with something crazy on it, my dad will inevitably get me a really thoughtful Hallmark item and the day will pass, like the worst of everything always does.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
My Likes and Dislikes
I don't always accurately express my likes and dislikes. For example, sometimes I'll ask a question or sometimes I'll present an opposite opinion - it doesn't mean that's what I like. It means that I want you to tell me more, to tell me why that other opinion isn't valid...I want to learn from your thoughts and your thought process.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.
I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!
From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.
So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.
Another thing is that I feel a distinct need to pull away from anything that is "atypical" or "popular." This includes The Beatles, guitar, publishing and non-productive hobbies like painting, photography, creative writing...I like all those things I just get frustrated at the idea that I'm like everyone else and so I try to pull away and dislike those things. I like The Beatles! I love them in fact, I have a t-shirt with them on it and yet today I cringed when someone said their name...then I stopped and thought - no, I like that, I don't understand my own reaction there but it's not accurate. I also thought about how uncomfortable guitar's make me. Someone sitting around playing their guitar makes me on edge. It's so typical, it's so average and yet...I like it! In fact, the very first guy I ever really "fell" for was a bass player, so was the second and the third. Those weren't bad experiences...I'm just not representing my feelings currently here either.
I need to focus on expressing what I actually feelt. I need to work on accepting my dislikes and lkes independent of others. I don't care if it's common so why do I react? Something in me tells me to be different and not agree...am I afraid of being lost in the crowd? Me...of all people...hahaha!
From here on out, no more uncomfortable feelings about things I ligitmately like. I'm going to embrace them with open arms!! I need to start focusing on telling the truth to myself and taking that with openness.
So...Matt is playing in town this week and next. I've got a personal connect...so anyone who wants to go see him, let me know and you're in. Or you can just come hang out with a group of us and if we get lucky we may be able to convince him to play...hehehe...I think we'll get lucky, we normally do.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Oh SO Much to Share
School started today...there is just so much to talk about!
First off, the universe is playing a cosmic joke on me...hahahah...not funny! At school today there was this guy and he really caught my eye. I heard stuff about his winter break and it was great and interesting and I thought, yes...someone I want to see more of. Then I introduced myself and he said "Hi, I'm Brian."
I believe my response was "Oh fuck, I gotta go!"
Hate to say it, but...no more Brian's. I'm moving on to the C's in the alphabet - no more B's!!! I've dated two Brian's (one who is now a REALLY great friend, the other a very bad experience), a B* and a Brett. NO MORE!!! Especially the Brian's...I know, it seems silly but I think that perhaps my history with that name is just finally at its end and I need to be on edge when the universe sends me that energy. It's a big red flag! I should have known that after the first one...it just takes me more time than some...
Second, classes look good this semester. I met with an adviser and I got to drop one so now I have two courses and then...GRADUATION!! I can't wait!!
Third, Yoga went well today, it was uplifting and a really moving course. I actually had a very scary feeling during the post Shivasna portion...I had my eyes closed and I was listening to Shari talk and I got this feeling that I was sitting in infinity. Have you ever felt that? It was rather scary and actually made me a little uneasy.
First off, the universe is playing a cosmic joke on me...hahahah...not funny! At school today there was this guy and he really caught my eye. I heard stuff about his winter break and it was great and interesting and I thought, yes...someone I want to see more of. Then I introduced myself and he said "Hi, I'm Brian."
I believe my response was "Oh fuck, I gotta go!"
Hate to say it, but...no more Brian's. I'm moving on to the C's in the alphabet - no more B's!!! I've dated two Brian's (one who is now a REALLY great friend, the other a very bad experience), a B* and a Brett. NO MORE!!! Especially the Brian's...I know, it seems silly but I think that perhaps my history with that name is just finally at its end and I need to be on edge when the universe sends me that energy. It's a big red flag! I should have known that after the first one...it just takes me more time than some...
Second, classes look good this semester. I met with an adviser and I got to drop one so now I have two courses and then...GRADUATION!! I can't wait!!
Third, Yoga went well today, it was uplifting and a really moving course. I actually had a very scary feeling during the post Shivasna portion...I had my eyes closed and I was listening to Shari talk and I got this feeling that I was sitting in infinity. Have you ever felt that? It was rather scary and actually made me a little uneasy.
Ask Away
My horoscope for today reads:
If anyone needs objective advice today, you're the right person to give it up. You can see everything that people are missing and fill in any gaps in their understanding -- though they may not want to hear it!
Therefore...go ahead, ask me advice!! I'll answer!
New word for the day: pugnacious (found in There Eyes Were Watching God) it means quirrelsome...I wonder if this pertains to the dog - pug...at all...
If anyone needs objective advice today, you're the right person to give it up. You can see everything that people are missing and fill in any gaps in their understanding -- though they may not want to hear it!
Therefore...go ahead, ask me advice!! I'll answer!
New word for the day: pugnacious (found in There Eyes Were Watching God) it means quirrelsome...I wonder if this pertains to the dog - pug...at all...
Monday, January 28, 2008
Progressive Visions
I just got a call about a really really really desperate dog in need of rescuing. I've been able to be 100% rescue free for one month but this phone call just hit home. The lady is desperate and the dog needs me. AHH! So, of course, here I come...Super Girl To The Rescue! Stay tuned for dog updates as this little girl is entering my now closed rescue and rehabilitation program.
On another note:
I had a very new experience today at Yoga. There's a pose that actually almost brought me to tears. It literally called forth emotions and thoughts that I didn't realize had become engrained in this particular movement of my body. It was VERY weird! Plus, during shivasna, I had my first completely free moment...ever! I literally thought of nothing!! Yoga rocked today!
On another note:
I've said it before but I haven't been "myself" in about 5 months. I'm finally starting to slowly come back to my center and the actual me that is there. It feels great!! I forgot how much good and postive energy there can be in this world. I'm going to start writing down the following things for myself to keep in mind everyday:
1. What was the most unexpected thing that happened today?
2. What was the single best moment of my day?
It's amazing how the little stuff was going right past me when it use to be such a huge part of my everything. I'm so glad that I've been brought to this place where I can note how far off from ME I am and really work on finding that again. I sure did miss me! Ha!
On another note:
I had a very new experience today at Yoga. There's a pose that actually almost brought me to tears. It literally called forth emotions and thoughts that I didn't realize had become engrained in this particular movement of my body. It was VERY weird! Plus, during shivasna, I had my first completely free moment...ever! I literally thought of nothing!! Yoga rocked today!
On another note:
I've said it before but I haven't been "myself" in about 5 months. I'm finally starting to slowly come back to my center and the actual me that is there. It feels great!! I forgot how much good and postive energy there can be in this world. I'm going to start writing down the following things for myself to keep in mind everyday:
1. What was the most unexpected thing that happened today?
2. What was the single best moment of my day?
It's amazing how the little stuff was going right past me when it use to be such a huge part of my everything. I'm so glad that I've been brought to this place where I can note how far off from ME I am and really work on finding that again. I sure did miss me! Ha!
About Me
Have I mentioned my love for non-verbal communication? I do believe that the people in my life who know me best - know me best because of my emails. They are well thought out and...well...amusing.
Today I wrote an email to Christian in which I spoke in a British accent and discussed the over load of hormones in my present educational path. In a still British accent, yet...not the same letter - here is what I have to say (include your own British accent when reading please):
Love,
I have begun another course of study which includes a much reviled bi-weekly hour of "European Warfare - French Revolution to Present." This course, although most amusing, is expected to include more testosterone than my soul has yet to become accustomed to.
My deepest regards,
X
Now wasn't that jolly?
Today I wrote an email to Christian in which I spoke in a British accent and discussed the over load of hormones in my present educational path. In a still British accent, yet...not the same letter - here is what I have to say (include your own British accent when reading please):
Love,
I have begun another course of study which includes a much reviled bi-weekly hour of "European Warfare - French Revolution to Present." This course, although most amusing, is expected to include more testosterone than my soul has yet to become accustomed to.
My deepest regards,
X
Now wasn't that jolly?
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The Art of Gift Giving
Let's discuss the art of gift giving. It's called an art for a reason.
First, there was a really great guy who once gave me hundred's of dollars in jewelry as a gift. Sweet gesture, yet - do you see me covered in expensive jewelry? No. In fact, those items never left their original boxes.
Second, there was this guy who always gave his friends and families framed photos. Photo's he had taken and felt like giving out in his custom frames. Kind gesture, yet very self centered.
Now, think about the types of gifts you give. STOP! There's an art to this. Do you give gifts that you like? Do you give people things to make you feel better? The jewelry guy gave pricey gifts to make him look like he cared. To him, this was his way of saying he had something to offer. Note to him - money isn't everything. The picture guy gave gifts that were neat to him, yet he never thought about who he was giving the gift to and the gifts were presented in such a manner that made him look very self centered.
Before you give someone a gift, think about that individual. Don't give out a standard gift like a picture or jewelry. Give something that will be meaningful to the receiver, not to you! The gift is not about you!!! A gift should show that you know the individual who you purchased/made it for and that you want to give them something that is of meaning and will be valued in their life.
Example of a great gift: a guy friend of mine gave me a really cool sign for Christmas. It read "Danger: Men, Please Read Before Entering" and it contained 10 things men should know before dating me. It was adorable, comical and great to have. I've since posted it in my home office and really think this was the best gift I received all year.
Before you give a gift, stop and remove yourself from the process - give a gift to someone that says - "I know you deep down and I know you'd like this."
First, there was a really great guy who once gave me hundred's of dollars in jewelry as a gift. Sweet gesture, yet - do you see me covered in expensive jewelry? No. In fact, those items never left their original boxes.
Second, there was this guy who always gave his friends and families framed photos. Photo's he had taken and felt like giving out in his custom frames. Kind gesture, yet very self centered.
Now, think about the types of gifts you give. STOP! There's an art to this. Do you give gifts that you like? Do you give people things to make you feel better? The jewelry guy gave pricey gifts to make him look like he cared. To him, this was his way of saying he had something to offer. Note to him - money isn't everything. The picture guy gave gifts that were neat to him, yet he never thought about who he was giving the gift to and the gifts were presented in such a manner that made him look very self centered.
Before you give someone a gift, think about that individual. Don't give out a standard gift like a picture or jewelry. Give something that will be meaningful to the receiver, not to you! The gift is not about you!!! A gift should show that you know the individual who you purchased/made it for and that you want to give them something that is of meaning and will be valued in their life.
Example of a great gift: a guy friend of mine gave me a really cool sign for Christmas. It read "Danger: Men, Please Read Before Entering" and it contained 10 things men should know before dating me. It was adorable, comical and great to have. I've since posted it in my home office and really think this was the best gift I received all year.
Before you give a gift, stop and remove yourself from the process - give a gift to someone that says - "I know you deep down and I know you'd like this."
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