Oh Great Mind

I have this dilemma, I can choose path 1 and make myself very happy for a very short while and bring upon myself some scary karma. Or I could choose path 2 and be antsy and grouchy for about two months at which time that will subside and the world will return to normal keeping myself in good karma order.
Being that I am having a really hard time making this decision on my own, I called upon the great wise one. Oh great wise one said that I must choose the path or right, path 2. I have great faith in the decisions of wise one...now I have to find the power within myself to make this happen. AHHH!!! That's the hard part.

Rotten

Then I decided to call home and check in on the days events. Not a smart move. Apparently my brother and his wife (mind you they're in the middle of a divorce) got into a fight. His wife was upset that my brother is taking their kids over to his new girlfriend's house. Being that my brother hates being told what he can and can't do, he apparently got upset and told her that "he can do whatever he wants when he has the kids" to which she then told the children "say goodbye to your daddy cause you might not be seeing him for a while." Good gracious! I get both sides of the issue. She's hurt...I don't blame her. My brother feels a right of ownership...ultimately I don't care how they feel, I just worry about those kids. It's entirely unfair to put them in the middle of this! Fight with each other, fine...gouge each others eyes out...but don't fight in front of the kids or about the kids...it's simply not fair!!! Yet when I said this to my father, he responded with "life's not fair, you're brother has made stupid decisions and someone has to pay for them." I know...I know...I know! I just hope that through all of this my nieces and nephews will come through smarter and better off. I hope that they don't get damaged by their parents mistake but rather become better people because of it.

Pushing the Limit

My body was pushed too far today, and for that...I must apologize. I got up this morning at 8am to get ready to go out for my day. Yes, I woke up with a 100.2 fever, but what the heck...I've been sick for three days and I refuse to keep being sick. So, I got my vest out and all my gear and went rafting. STUPID MOVE!! I sat at the guide stick and was exhausted after only five minutes. I was having to work my body when all it wanted to do was curl up in bed and get better.
So, from today I've learned, be kinder to my body...yet, tomorrow I will get up at 7am, put on my pack and grab my gear and go hit a wall of rocks...(that's what you get when you commit to something and feel like you just shouldn't go back on your word)...

Ventures

Went out with a new guy last night...I had an okay night, could have been better, could have been worse...it's to be determined...holds much potential.



Work is getting rough. I need to find a new job. My boss is getting more and more aggressive. She blew up today at me and I'm not sure how much longer I can just sit there and take it. It really has an effect on my whole day. I felt so drained of all emotion and ready to just cry...even now...when I've been out of work for nearly five hours, I can't stop thinking about work because it's so intense when I'm there. That's not acceptable!



On a different note, my Grandma is starting to lose her hair. It's hard for me to see her like this. She's always been so strong and she's still being strong, it just hurts my heart. She absolutely must make it through this, she holds so much of my heart.

Jobs

I need a new job...stat!!! It's terrible that when I wake up on a Saturday the first thing I think about is work. I've had a rough week with work - my boss is yelling again and of course I'm taking a major beating. I'm tired of feeling abused at work. If it's not one thing, it's something else. For example - she started to yell at me about one thing and when I didn't show a reaction (mind you I was trying really hard not to listen because she was being really mean and in my face) she got mad at me for having no emotion. What the heck!!!

So, I'm sending out my resume like a fiend, I just need to find something...anything...now!

The Self We Invision

Reminder to self: must keep two feet on the ground, ass in the chair, head on the shoulders!

Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...

I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.

Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.

I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.

Adrenaline

Had a good day, I got the privilege of spending my entire day with Peak. It was delightful. I got to climb, chat, enjoy people and places. It was rockin!!! I also got to try walking across a balance beam that was WAY up in the air. It was so intense. It's one of those things where you learn about yourself through the experiences that you take in. Intense for sure, adrenaline not in shortage, life expectancy shrinking...oh well... :)

On another note, my health has taken a turn for scary again. I have some more tests on Tuesday to figure some new stuff out but spent last night on the phone with a nurse and apparently I'm not suppose to wait til Tuesday...grr...I'm so tired of tests and feeling sick and...all of it. My mother is of course, flippin' out and trying to come stay with me, to which I simply refuse. I'm a big girl and although I love having her around, there are major issues at home that need more immediate attention - like my Grandma. It puts my mind at ease knowing that my family is there to make sure she's doing okay. Forget about me, deal with those I love because without them, I just don't know where I'd be...

Getting What You Want

Life seems to send you what is best for you...and well...it did it again. I had been hesitating with some stuff in my life and it was like...a can opened and the universe fixed it for me.
Do you ever wonder what's you're calling? What are you suppose to be doing...I wonder a lot and although I don't know...I'm beginning to have more faith that whatever it is, it will find me. Seeking doesn't work, you have sit back and let things play out the way they do and just know that the best thing that is possible will happen...

School Decreases Sanity

I'm going to officially claim that school causes me to lose touch with reality. For some reason, I feel like all things that have been changing within me for the better are slipping. I feel like I'm slowly losing my sanity again. It's rather scary! I can feel the spinning starting again, I don't feel like I have two feet on the ground, my ass in the chair and my head on my shoulders. How do I get back there?
Camp? It seems that nature provides me with that sanity that I need. Perhaps I've been too busy to find time to run away into the wild by myself and just...breathe! Whatever happened to people becoming recluses? I'd love to have a little cabin in the woods where I could hide out for a week or two and just write and read. You know, the old style English lover (not the uni bomber).

Needs

What am I looking for? That determines the standards. Am I looking for something long term or short? If long, what is it taht has lacked in all my relationships? There's a piece I don't now how to idenfity...
Short term, for some reason seems to be...not enough. Although my goals are much more clearly defined. No in order but certainly:
1. Must have a job
2. Must not live with parents
3. Must be smart and able to carry a conversation
4. Must be outgoing and goal oriented
5. Must be willing to accept my family and respect the value they bring to my life
6. Must respect me!! (you know - return phone calls in a timely manner, include me in outtings and activities, want to spend time around me, make a effort at making me happy)