Angry

I'm angry at Brandon for coming back when he wasn't ready to really come back. Remember when he went through the whole "I need some time alone" line. Well then he got a girlfriend. Then he came back even though he had a girlfriend, now he's gone again...in less than three weeks. It makes me angry that he thinks he can show up and go away so easily. Next time he surfaces, I'm not so sure I'm gonna be available. I'm rather frustrated at the whole situation.

The Little Moments

We must always remember to cherish those little moments. Those moments are different for everyone. Today I want to remind myself of a few:
Spending time with my Grandma in chemo
Listening to my nephew tell me about school
Knowing that my mom and dad fully believe in me

Some days you absolutely have to take those moments and hold them tight. Today I worked with a group of 38 middle school students. It was rough, really rough for me. I don't have the patience that I once did. I get frustrated rather easily by children I know aren't being themselves and are trying too hard. Being that I spent 7 hours with these youngsters, my mood for the day was pretty much shot. Then I got a phone call that really bothered me.
My old boss is protesting my unemployment. She is claiming that I was dishonest and a distraction to other employees. I knew she was going to protest the unemployment, she had said she was going to, but it just feels low...even for her. So at the end of a rather rough day, I was more than irked to know that this was going on too.

So, although I have all this boiling up stress - I can remember these great moments and hold them close enough to help me get through another battle and come out stronger.

Short and To The Point

I spent my day with the Army Corp of Engineers helping to facilitate a leadership program for them on the ropes course. It was a fun day and I learned a ton.

As for self discovery, I still feel like I'm learning something new about myself everyday. Today I took the time to sit down and think a little about my goals. I started with one year, five year and future. I was able to get some really concrete stuff on paper. Just cause it's there doesn't mean I can't change my mind, it just means that I'm aware of those goals and striving toward something.

Fresh Air

I've had a long long long two days. I've been dealing with some big ideas within my head and letting my heart run wild. But to put a nice end to a long weekend, Brian called tonight and we talked politics. If I haven't said it before, Brian is one smart cookie (sometimes...hahaha). Although I don't always agree with his decision, I have faith that if he doesn't now something he'll go that extra step to learn it. Anyway, after being stressed all weekend, getting to have a nice normal conversation with someone sure was nice. Now I can go to bed with peace of mind.

Grounding

I'm in this really strange and scary place of self discovery, a level of it that many people never even get to. But I'm there and I'm learning and trying and waiting for something great to be revealed to me. But what I forget is that it comes in small glimpses of perfection. Tiny moments of being present, real and open. I had a few of those tonight.
The first one was at Sweetwater, a local stomping ground. A group of about 40 of us Peakies were there to wish Andrea (the marketing director) farewell. My perfect moment happened when I was sitting next to Brad, Taylor, Mark, and Joslyn and I looked around the room. It was a group of 40 people I know, I love and respect. People who have mutual feelings for me as well. It was strange to be in a room and look around and feel like you're with family...maybe not even feel - know. Knowing that everyone in that room would be there to support me if I ever needed them. Knowing that we could name every person who wasn't there and know that they were with us in spirit. Knowing that I have this amazing group of friends, larger and stronger than I ever expected. It was extremely powerful! All day I had been stressing about an issue, an issue I had got myself caught up in and couldn't let my head release. But this moment brought me back down to earth and grounded me.
After dinner I had another perfect moment...one that I'm not going to get into details over because the details don't matter all that much to anyone other than me. But, it was a moment in a setting that I didn't expect, with a person I didn't expect, doing nothing really...but being together in a real moment.

Listening

The idea of listening to my heart is rather complicated and scary. At first I thought, well that's just silly - I don't have a heart. Now I'm starting to realize that my heart and my head talk at once and figuring out the answer is the hard part.
Well, to my perplexing dilemma as of late...I have heard the answer and must must must must must trust my heart and move forward with me. It will be tough, it will be painful, slow and scary but what comes out on the other side is still whole and still very much me.

B I N G O

At a party on Friday I met a great sparing partner. He seemed to have incredible insight and totally blew my mind to tiny bits on subjects such as Stan, Brandon, and ... others... Although I didn't reflect on his comments immediately (too drunk) or the next day (still too drunk), I did generically start thinking about things and I have figured something out. I need to perform men assessments before progressing with guys. What does that mean? It means that upon meeting a guy of interest I need to step back and take the time to ask him:
1. What are you expecting to get out of this?
2. How long are you gonna be interested in keeping me around?
3. What will happen if either of these changes?
This man assessment sure would make my mind a little more clear.
As for question 1: Example, are you looking for a relationship? a friend? something in the middle? Knowing this up front helps me to assess if I'm interested in the same goal or not.
As for question 2: Example, a guy likes me but I'm not sure if I like him or if I just like making out with him. I toy with myself as to whether I like him or not. I can't figure it out and in my head I keep saying no it's just make out, no, no (a mental process I use to try and make myself not like...umm...most all guys) he loses interest. Then the question is, was it because I wasn't interested? It's believed that this happened recently and my reaction is...simply...grrrr...I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing myself better and expressing that early on. As for question 3: I need to ask this upfront so that I can left that I don't get it guard down. Normally I spend way too much time trying to get "hints" that aren't even there most of the time. Well, if I know that he's going to be honest with me and upfront, I can work on letting myself trust that. I just struggle because I'm extremely honest and when I'm not interested I make it clear and I'm more than happy to say why. Where as most men make excuses and this simply confuses the shit out of me.

Anyway, the assessment should be put into place. Whether it is or not, we'll just have to see...

Perplexing Situtation Solved

I spent last night with Cinnamon who solved my many confusions. Ha!
Apparently, I am in fact ready for a relationship...it just has to be the right one and on my terms. I've gotten pushed around too much for me to feel confident that I can do it again. Ultimately it comes down to that very dirty T word, trust. I have to start trusting in myself more and taking the time to see what it is I want, really want, not just what I say I want at that moment.

As for my confusion over him...well, why fix what's not broken? Great advice right. For some reason I really started to think that maybe I should step up to the plate and make a go at a relationship with him. Cinnamon steered me clear of that. She reminded me that yes, he does in fact keep me sane, not the opposite and for some reason when my mind starts spinning, he's the place that stops it.
Strangely he came over last night and we had a beer. Just hung out and had a drink, chatted it up. It was a little nerve wracking for me since it made me start thinking that maybe we were ready to give a relationship a go. After all, this was more effort than either of us had ever thrown in before. Yet, the ground has been found and I'm okay with where things are, in fact I like them enough to keep them that way.

Perplexed

I have got to figure some shit out!! I've been toying with this problem for a few weeks now. The new guy is fine (technically speaking)...but I don't feel like I'm getting good quality or what I want ultimately. I think that's because I've been spoiled by...HIM! Do I dare go backwards? The Wise One told me absolutely not...but he keeps me sane. Or is he the reason I'm not sane to begin with...hahaha!
We talked recently and he said we don't really have a friendship. I've been thinking a lot about this. It's been five years, I suppose...good years even, we're going on six years this month. Ha! I have to laugh at the fact that we met by such random chance and the friend who introduced us is long gone but we've managed to stay just as close. I've kinda set the standard based on him (at least in part or maybe more than part) and now I'm starting to wondering if maybe...just maybe...I don't even wanna write it, writing it - like saying it, makes it real. My gut is totally in my stomach...do you ever toy with yourself, do it, don't do it, do it...DON'T DO IT!
I think we're both just so much alike that it's a problem. We're both totally fucked up and we aren't meant to be in relationships. Ha! I just wonder if after six years we ought to try something, something real...and yet....I don't want to because what we have is something that I don't want to lose. Is that what he's dealing with too? Besides it's all fun right now and would it be fun if we felt trapped? Certainly not.
But I keep coming back to the six years factor. We've seen each other through a lot, the death of family members, our vast random "relationships" or non-relationships as we call them, moves, jobs, hobbies, and overall growth. We do have a friendship!!! Aha! I have found the light! Now what? Nothing, now I close the writing page and get back to the routine...new guy, old guy, friends, friends, friends.