Attempt at a Poem

I don't write poetry but every now and then, I write and see what comes out:

I'm a woman - I pay my rent, do
my chores, own a car, dog and
fancy jewelry. But at the end of
the day - I am a girl.

I am a girl.
I cry, bleed and bruise easily.
The sticks you throw may not
break my bones, but they can
still poke my eye out.

I dwell on the unknown, on emotion,
on unknown emotion.

I dwell. I worry. But I'm not a girl, I am
a woman, and because of this
I am lucky.

A girl can not wrap her long slender fingers
tightly around a frosted
glass bottle.

A girl can not drink herself sane.
A girl can not drink away your sticks.

But I am a woman - I can
find safety, peace and quiet
in the tiniest bit of
clear liquid.

Baby Steps

In an attempt to learn to struggle less and yet achieve the same, I have implemented some new things into my life. My mornings now begin with a paper journal that contains three things I am grateful for, one overall daily goal towards centering myself, and one step I can take to achieve this goal. My evenings are now reflection on this and whether I was able to complete the step and where I'm at with the goal.
Beginning tomorrow, I will be a Yoga Goddess. I am signed up for daily yoga with my new hot pink mat. The classes I have tomorrow are Yoga Basics and Karma Yoga. I think it should be a good experience and help me towards rebalancing my insane orbit right now.

Tonight, I have a group of friends (I've named them the M's - yeppo - Mandy, Max and Melanie...plus my deal others who don't start with M's) coming over for pizza, drinks and ... moving! Of course this played largely on my goal for the day. I'm trying to start with something I really feel I can accomplish so, we'll just see how it goes.

The Idea of "Good Enough"

I decided to see a therapist, someone who can tell me what is and is not "normal." Since I've been feeling rather insane as of late and could use a maypole right about now.
Anyway, she had some great things to say:
First off, the idea of "good enough." This concept is one that I struggle with. I seek perfection, whether that's possible or not (most often times not). I need to start looking for "good enough" and stop looking for the nasty p word!
Second, I have intrusive thoughts. I just checked Wikipedia and I SO DO! These thoughts are inappropriate and random. They aren't normal and I need to work on getting control over this issue.
Third, I'm not self-centered...it's the opposite. I have trouble accepting. I have a hard time accepting compliments, gifts, emotions, everything! Because I never really feel "good enough," it makes it hard for me to just accept what is presented. I avoid expectations so that I don't have to be dissappointed when they aren't met. I'd rather be the person giving than the one getting. This is a major issue for me and I'm going to work hard, VERY HARD on improving this one.

Another Sleepless Night

"This is the kind of dream where everything too terrible to imagine suddenly happens, it happens when your back is turned, just when you think everything is fine." (Alice Hoffman, At Risk)


Not a wink of sleep...none. For some reason I tossed and turned so much last night that even the dogs didn't want to sleep in the same bed. By 3am I finally decided to give up and moved to the living room where the hum of the fish tank and air filter attempted to sooth me.

Have I mentioned that I have the most amazing friends? Last night I spoke with Alena, again. Her wisdom astounds me. I think perhaps she was a wise, old, Indian woman in her past life. She explained to me that perhaps the happiness I've had over the last few months were only a small portion of what I will experience...in the future. She prescribed me with some self time, something I've been lacking lately due to the dog rescue. She also suggested that I really sit down with my roommate and make sure he understands that I really do value his friendship and want to make sure that our move into separate dwellings doesn't put an end to it.
Speaking of the roommate, he read the letter and he thinks that perhaps I got dumped - not because this guy actually wanted to break up with me, but because he felt forced. He's wise too - have I mentioned that? We stayed up not that late, watching a peculiar show on the TV. His presence can be a real comfort to me sometimes, and other times, not. It's strange how that works.

I was suppose to go play doubles tennis after work today with some individuals I've never met, however this morning I failed to find my racquet.

Bitten Bullet

I did it! I bit the bullet today and finished my final exam for Toise's class. I seem to have come to this mental idea that if I put it off long enough I wouldn't have to do it. Then today, out of the blue, I realized...OH SHIT, I really do have to do this. I spent a whole 20 minutes working on it and really it made no sense at all but I just can't say I care any more. I'm exhausted physcially, emotionally, mentally and I just don't care. Call me a quitter, tell me I'm taking the easy way out - I've heard it all before. I'm my own worst critique and at this point the curtain is drawn, I already hit the send button so BACK OFF!

So, he wrote me this letter explaining why he dumped me and for some reason I really feel the need to review and analyze it...comment and such. So....below is his letter and my comments in blue:


For me things were going well with us in the beginning, but any feelings and trust began to erode over time with you as you began to show other sides of yourself that I did not like. Behavior that made me feel manipulated, smothered, and just plain irritated. I don't feel like I am walking away from something great with you. I feel like I am escaping from a big mistake. I do not want to get more seriously involved with someone who has such a poor perception of themselves that they can't see how and why they are smothering their boyfriend and driving him nuts. (I think this is a personal fear he has of getting stuck.) All the things you listed in your letter: the climbing thing, the flubbed attempt you made to make me feel better, the accusing you of being spiteful. Though I may have mentioned them to you as examples of things that have bothered me, and though they may have been misunderstandings on my part, these are nothing issues in the grand scheme of why I don't want to be with you anymore. You didn't mention or address in your letter any one of the REAL issues (because you never bothered to bring them up to me in an open and honest conversation) that I tried to make you realize over the phone (on three different phone conversations). (conversations which actually didn't address those issues) Here's a recap in case you forgot or simply chose not to remember when you wrote your letter: 1. 2 months ago it took me an entire hour to help you realize that it was wrong of you to dictate whom I should and should not be able to have in my own home (The Brie thing). (This isn't true. I told you up front, I knew my feelings were invalid I just needed some time to process my feelings.) You did not want me to have any single female friends over (again - wrong...I didn't want this specific individual to your home) if it was just going to be me alone with them in the house. It took an HOUR to make you look past your own jealous and paranoid feelings and see that you were disrespecting me with this request. Can't you see how incredibly self-centered this is, to be so focused on your own emotions that you completely disregard others? (I wasn't disregarding yours I was just expressing mine, which you apparently have chosen to ignore after an HOUR long conversation.) Let me be clear on this: this is not a "problem with your jealousy" issue. Everyone gets jealous, including myself (though you self-admittedly used Xyz twice to make me jealous, which is a terrible thing to do to your boyfriend when you get in a tiff with him, considering that your boyfriend knows that you have been fucking this guy on and off for a long time). (Again, really in accurate. I wasn't using him to make you jealous, I was using him to help me realize if I was in the right or wrong on my feelings regarding various issues. I had to do this since every time I brought my feelings up to you, you got defensive and made it out like it was an issue I was completely out of line to bring up). I digress: I didn't have a problem with your jealousy in this incident. Yes, eventually you realized that it was wrong of you to expect me to limit who I could have over my own house. But what bothered me was that it took an HOUR of debate and conflict on the phone to help you see that. (No, again, I knew this from the beginning - the conversation was an attempt to find a compromise since we were suppose to be working as a couple.) It was that self-centered attitude that I have a real problem with, not jealousy. Either you are incredibly stubborn, or you are so wrapped up in your own hurt and jealousy that you can't see that you are disrespecting someone with unfair and foolish demands. (I don't think this was disrespect at all. I think it was just an expression of my own feelings, how that makes you feel is not something I am doing TO you.) But this pattern of self-centeredness continued: 2. Once again on the phone, you requested that I let you know if I am feeling depressed BEFORE you come over so that when you arrive you don't mistake my mood for some kind of displeasure with you. (before was only an example here, since in the past the entire issue was ignored.) Once again, like the "no single women over my house issue", it's all about YOUR comfort level, (any relationship should consider both parties comfort levels) with a complete disregard for my right to privacy and my right to simply exist without having to be concerned that I am not revealing enough private thoughts/emotions to you so that YOU can feel better. (This wasn't my intent. You can have your own thoughts and such but when you're in a relationship, you should try and give, give your heart and your feelings - not all of them, but at least make an attempt to express yourself - that's all.) And don't insult me by claiming that this request was purely out of concern for my well-being. (WASN'T IT? I wanted to get to know you and you seem to miss that entirely.) Though that may be partly true, if you even cared about my well-being as you claimed, you would have noticed during this phone conversation how smothered and pressured you were making me feel in this request, and you would have backed off. (I wanted to but at the same time, since you didn't express this - how could i make the assumption that you were feeling this way?) But you kept pushing. Why? Once again, the self-centered problem you have: all about your needs and your comfort. (Not true, it's about open-ness and understanding, something we clearly weren't on the same level in dealing with). You needed me to share more of my inner thoughts/feelings at that time because YOU wanted to feel better about the relationship and where it was going. (Not true, I wanted this because I wanted to know you better, I was attempting to figure out who I was in a relationship with!) You didn't even notice that you were upsetting me and pressuring me with this expectation. And once again, a long drawn out phone conversation in which I tried to make you see what you were doing to me. You were unable to see. (Again, you avoided being open and just saying this is how I feel, this is what I need from you to not feel this way...) I finally gave up trying to fight you on this, and admitted that I had grown accustomed in past relationships to keeping my sad/anxious feelings to myself. This was true, but I admitted it because you were stressing me out by being unrelenting in your request, and it was the only way to get you to back off after 30 minutes of me fighting you for my right to share my pain at my discretion, and in my own time. (Why was this so hard for you to say? Why was it so hard for you to share? Why did you insist on blocking me out of your life little by little?) WHICH SHOULD BE ENTIRELY MY RIGHT WITHOUT CONCERN OF ANY PRESSURE FROM YOU TO DO OTHERWISE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ANYWAY, EXPECTING ME TO SHARE MY EMOTIONS TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU DEEM ACCEPTABLE, AND ON THE TIMETABLE THAT YOU SET?! HOW SELF-CENTERED OF YOU!! (Wow! Not the case at all. You can do it on your time table, but I do need someone I'm in a relationship with to share with me. Yes...that's part of what makes a relationship. If all we ever talked about was how I was feeling and my concerns then I would certainly be self-centered.)3.Guilting me about not wanting to go to your mom's birthday (even though I had only an eight hour window in which to sleep between night shifts, as I was working at 6pm that day instead of 9pm). I had made no previous commitment to go. (No, but my mother's birthday over shopping for new pants...you do the math. I would have been there for you if it was something important to you...especially over shopping.) I politley declined at the time of this phone conversation. You said: "Well maybe I should stop inviting you to family events. " (I asked this, not stated it. I needed to know - was it my family? Why weren't you going? I know that my family can be overwhelming and if that was the case, I wanted you to be up front and adult - just tell me what's up so that I can understand you better). Sure, I had recently canceled on the Christmas day gathering. But so what? I'm not your spouse or your fiance. (No, but were a very important part of life.) Bear this in mind: since I met you THREE MONTHS ago (not a long time for any couple), I have already supported you (and "us") by attending: lunch at your parents house, your nephew's birthday party, your family sizzler dinner, TWO thanksgivings in one day, and had also accepted an invite to christmas eve (don't get me wrong about this:I think you have a wonderful and kind family and I always appreciated yours and theirs hospitality). I have been more than accomodating in your requests to join you and your family (which most boyfriends of less than SIX months would not have been anywhere near as supportive as I have been). Yet you still felt the need to guilt me. (It wasn't guilt - I was trying to figure out what was up and since you clearly weren't able to express other things openly I had to assume you were only telling me part of the story.) I asked you why you were guilting me over this birthday party thing. You said that I should know how much you cared about your family and that if I cared about you I would go. But if you respected me at all you would not try to make me feel bad for not going. Can't you see that? (I see that. I just wish that we could have found a compromise or at least come to an understanding of why you didn't feel it was important for you to go. An open and honest answer...) I tried to point out delicately: 1. It is your family, not mine. I barely know them. 2. I have known you for only 3 months. You are treating me like a fiance or husband who refuses to attend an important family event. By guilting me I felt you were taking us to a relationship level that in my opinion we were nowhere near. Most couples don't meet each others families until much more time has passed (I met your parents after 2 weeks I believe? Tell any one of your friends this. They will be surprised) (You met my family at that time because you asked to...not because I wanted you to. You asked, I tried very hard to not, but I could tell it bothered you so I gave in to your request) yet I have been quite accomodating in your requests to attend family gatherings. Besides feeling like I was being an uncaring boyfriend by declining the invite, your other concern was that you will be embarassed at having to explain to your family why I am not there. I'm fairly certain they would not be offended by my absence. (Definitely incorrect there - my family fell instantly in love with you and your presence was expected and looked forward to) But the point is: you are so self-centered that you cared more about your potential embarassment in telling your family that I wouldn't be coming to your mom's birthday, than you cared about respecting my choice not to go. (Not true, the embarrassment wasn't the issue, the issue was that I would have to explain that they were not as important to you as you were to them...and being that I love my family very much this would hurt) And all you could see was your own hurt (there's that self-centered thing once more), which made you unable to see that you were emotionally blackmailing me through guilt (at least 3 guilt-laden comments in this 15 minute phone conversation by my count, which you denied doing each time). I tried for 15 minutes to help you see what you were doing to me, and you were unable. I was finished at that point trying to help you to see how you were disrespecting me. (This wasn't an issue of respect for you - I was being open and honest with you, something I thought I could do without your judgement) I did not feel like spending an hour on the phone again trying to get through to you (as I tried in the previous 2 examples above). I found myself rubbing my temple furiously as I felt like I was going insane because of your obtuseness, so I broke up with you. Maybe my mistake was indulging you TOO much by going to so many family events that you got spoiled and came to expect it EVERY time. Or maybe my mistake was agreeing to meet your family too early on thus giving you the impression that our relationship was much more than I actually felt it was. (or maybe asking me marry you twice within the first month, or saying you were going to try and get me pregnant...maybe one of those things was really what made me think you cared.)Nevertheless, you lost complete perspective about how serious we actually were as a couple. (Apparently, but looking back I feel that I was really just misled) But the main problem in all of these three examples I have listed is that you are completely self-centered in your feelings. (Not self-centered, just open. I would have loved to have you express your feelings in such a free manner - but you are clearly not capable of this)This is quite common in girls your age, and younger. This is not something that you can just flip a switch and stop doing. You have to REALIZE you are being this way first before you can change it. (I don't feel this is something that should change. I think any adult relationship should include both individuals feeling confident and secure enough to tell the other how they feel at all times. I know you don't feel this way, but I think in time you may learn. I'm not sure why you don't - perhaps fear. You have a lot of that. Fear of losing yourself in a relationship. Just by sharing your feelings - that doesn't mean that your feelings have any less privacy or value.) And I don't think you realize it at all. You are too young for me , and I am not referring to your chronological age. You are too defensive for me. (I don't think it's defensive, just open - again...something you seem to be mistaking for something else) Sometimes it seems the slightest criticism will shatter you like fragile glass. (Yes, sometimes my feelings get hurt...it happens.) Also, you are so afraid of confrontation that you can't even communicate that you are hurt or upset. Instead you run away (literally), even in the simplest matters. (Like you are doing now. Instead of having a face to face conversation about your feelings - you are running...we have something very much in common here) This fear of confrontation combined with defensiveness results in so many needless misunderstandings, and is a recipe for relationship failure. (As is lack of communication) You cannot deny that we have had many misunderstandings in the short time we've been together. (Not really that many, we were getting to know each other and that can only be expected) I know you will probably say you are aware of these traits now and will get better at communicating and not being so defensive. I hope you do, so that you will have a successful relationship in the future with some other guy. But I don't want to stay with someone while they work through these issues. (I don't think these are things I need to work on...) I've already done that for too many years with previous girlfriends who were defensive and poor communicators (and guess what, they never changed) The first few months are supposed to be the honeymoon stage in any relationship. Dating you began to feel like work way too soon, and too often. And that's the biggest red flag of all. I think you are in such a severe state of denial about your use of guilt and about your self-centered attitude because you think it's everyone else that has the problem or is the problem. (I don't think that's true. All of my ex's agree that this is not an issue I have. I often am overly concerned with the other person, which you seem to take as being a self-centered issue) You treat everyone else as if they were intentionally trying to make you feel bad, as if your feelings are the only ones that matter. (I don't feel you made me intentionally feel bad, but rather did it without notice or concern) You constantly play the victim. The martyr. It's easier for you to live life this way because if you're the victim than that means everyone else is in the wrong, and that way you don't have to go through the painful process of seeing through self-denial and facing your character flaws. (I have character flaws just like everyone else, but I'm certainly no victim, I'm strong and when I make a mistake I know it and I work my ass off to make things better. However, when a mistake is made in a relationship - one of character, it takes both people to make that better. It means that one person has to call the other on their actions and then help them to figure out a better course of action.) You probably think I'm full of shit and that I just want to see all these things in you that aren't really there because i'm afraid to get too close, and I'm just giving myself reasons to run away. (I do agree here. I think you are running, fast and hard...I don't think it's just but I think you will continue to do this until you are truly willing to open up with someone. Maybe I just didn't make you feel comfortable enough to do that - in which case, some one else would be a better match for you). Trust that I know what I am talking about. (How? You've had 1 failed marriage and 2 failed long term relationships. Of those, the women don't seem to be on that great of terms with you. I have managed to keep all my ex's as friends, close friends who tell me the cold hard truth when needed...this is something you lack and really do need.)You may have had a lot of jobs and experiences by your age and therefore you think you know everything, including yourself. But I have known more people than you by this point in my life, and known them more deeply. I have seen your type of behavior in many others I have known. It is unmistakable. It is like seeing the same tattoo again and again on different people. (It makes me angrier than anything to be grouped with people I don't know. I'm not Sally or Sara or Rebecca. I'm Cindel - I'm independent and 100% different than any one you've ever met.) And these behaviors will only hurt you and prevent you from getting emotionally close to people. And it will make people not want to get emotionally close to you. I am not going to stand by someone and hold their hand for god knows how long while patiently waiting for them to get over their issues. (I'm not asking you to.) I've done that for too long with other girls in the past. Life is too short. I have nothing more to say to you, thus negating any need to meet you face to face. (And avoiding confrontation. This one makes me scratch my head. How is it that you can break up with someone and take the easy way out...so easy that you don't even bother to say goodbye to their face!) Consdier yourself lucky that I spent my time writing this letter just to give you closure, which you seem to be having a lot of difficulty finiding on your own. (Absoutely! I was having a really hard time finding closure since all I got was a quick "It's over" and a dial tone in my ear. When just hours earlier I was told "I care about you"...certainly not things that go together) I don't want to see you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want texts or messages from you. LEAVE ME ALONE. (Just wow!)

Why would you tell someone you care about them and then do blatant things to hurt them?
I'm serious - and seriously looking for an answer.

New Goals

Part of my whole thinking with my Yi involves some new goals for myself...here they are:
1. Move and unpack before the semester starts
2. Close Pomeranian Rescue Group before February 1, 2008
3. Take at least one snow shoe hike during January
4. Attend QiGong consistently for at least one month
5. Go snow boarding at least once in January
6. Finish my final semester at CSUS

My Xin

My Xin is all fucked up. That's what I learned today at my QiGong class. I need to let go of the Xin and bring to focus my Yi.
The class was great, it was small and really focused. I felt like I learned a lot about the way I think and I learned a lot about how my thinking affects my life.
I didn't go climbing today, but I made a huge step and didn't cancel entirely either!! YEAH ME! I've decided to post pone it and so I'm taking my climbing less in April. Why? Because it is something I want to try, I just need to be a comfortable environment and mind set in order to do that.
I'm going out for lunch with a friend now...then probably go visit the family.

Attempt at Moving On

He's still not around...and that sucks but... on a different note.
I went out to Woodland Aviation today and hung out with Shawn and Mac. That was nice. They always have something funny and interesting to discuss. Plus Shawn's wife is preggers. Congratulations all around.
This evening, I went out on Brandon's cabin cruiser boat for the first time since he bought it (over a year ago). It was awesome! It's so quiet out on the water at night and the stars, planes and moon...wow. The world is so beautiful. There were some really great photos to be taken ... and yet, no Brian to take them. That was a little heart stirring.

If You're Not The One by D.B.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it,
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my husband?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

The Unattractive

This world is filled with unattractive people. I never really noticed til now...I am surrounded by unattractive people. No one looks good, I have no interest in dating those people. I went on a few dates this week and IT SUCKED. None of them are him and none feel right. They aren't even half as right as him.

I make mistakes, I'm human...any yet...shouldn't someone who cares for you be willing to help you learn from that and improve on it?

CRUSHED!

Just breath...that's where I'm at. The crying is still hard to control but breathing is getting easier.
I miss him like a mad woman. I called and cancelled my rock climbing lesson today...well not really...I just keep telling myself I need to. I could always just no show on Saturday and that's the same as cancelling - just different. I had wanted to learn some stuff so I could go with him and make him proud. No such luck and although I'd still like to try it, I think now is not the best time for that. I don't need any more reminders of him. He's on my mind all the time already. I really thought I'd found the person I was ment to be with. I thought if only he's be opening in his feelings we'd be perfect, and I mean PERFECT.
Right now I just need to remember to put one foot in front of the other and keep going...like I always do.

The Love of my Life

Have you ever thought you'd found someone you were going to marry? Have a baby with? Love forever? And then watched them turn their back and walk away from you? I have. I'm now scared, alone and completely confused. How can something that felt so right...be...so wrong. I wasn't aware that I could be that happy. He showed me a little bit of perfection and the life I really wanted and then left me.
There was so little I didn't like about him. I liked his rock climbing, his desire to be a photographer, his love for his dog, his compassion and want to do something to make himself happy. I'm just really heartbroken that his happiness doesn't include me.

Wow! I put my heart on the line and I'm broken. I guess I should know better by now but I don't. I met this amazing guy who made me want to give our relationship everything I had and he dumped me. Ouch! I'm devistated to say the least, shocked to add on that...and yet I feel like I should have known better. The second I start to trust someone this happens, I just should have known better.
I thought I could tell him how I felt and he'd get it...guess not. I thought he'd be long term...guess not.
My heart will bleed for a while, my eyes will certainly be swollen for a while...but really I'm just angry at myself because I knew better - fate never works in my favor.

Just Another Let Down

Forgive the rant...
Every time I try to do something special, it always backfires and I end up really angry. Like tonight...I made a mistake - I put faith in the guy I'm seeing. Perhaps unwarrarented trust. He said let's do dinner at 7:30 and I had no real reason not to trust in that but when 7:30 came around, he texted to say, let's make it 8:30. At 8:30 I found myself sitting in front of the fire alone...go figure. By 9 o'clock I was still waiting and now very angry because I've been dressed up in a cute little dress with flashy makeup and heels for my dog. Chewy appreciates my efforts and thank goodness someone does. Tomorrow, I took the day off work hoping to spend the morning in bed with the guy I'm head over heels for...instead I'll spend my morning alone in bed with Chewy. We'll cuddle and I'll tell him how much I adore him. I have a dog because he can be relied upon and Chewy will never let me down.

The Great Tribal Leader Speaks

Oh Wise One, you speak such great words!
Last night I had a much needed conversation with the Great Wise One. I was frustrated with the idea of art. I had come to the conclusion that I felt this way because it has no value, it's meaningless. Art doesn't bring anything to the world that makes it better or makes a real difference. Art makes me angry because individuals (in my opinion) waste (yes WASTE) time on it. Time that could be spent making a real hands-on difference in the lives of those around us. In my free time, I don't draw or write...I save dogs because it makes a difference and when it stops making a difference to me, I will move on to some other form of meaning.
I called the Great Wise One to vent in the myst of my melt down. The Great Wise One brought me a light. She explained to me that it isn't the art that is beautiful, I don't have to like the art. It's that which is within the art that has meaning and value. Someone spent time created that something that is now being observed and it was meaningful to that one person who spent that time. The art is not the beauty, it is the subject that is the beauty and it is not the art that is to be immortal, it is the subject frozen in that art.
The Great Wise One brings such meaningful words to this world. I am moved and forever will see art differently.

Female Sexuality

In both Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina (published in 1725) and John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure (published in 1749), the body and female sexuality are depicted as adaptable and able to fit into the surrounding environment. The use of false imagery as a way of projecting one’s self as a different individual and different social status is seen as standard and ordinary during the 18th century. However, in Fantomina this ability to adapt is viewed in a negative light and leads her to be seen as an unfit woman who is too free with her body. Ultimately Fantomina’s ability to adapt her body to the desires of others, leads to the protagonist’s fall from grace and banishment from normal society.[1] Whereas, in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, though the protagonist attempts to experience freedom of the body through sexual promiscuity, she is never truly able to escape from her basic nature and ultimately returns to the image she originally chose to portray (a docile and well mannered female). This drastic contrast in the outcome of the characters can lead to a better understanding of how each author portrayed female sexuality and ultimately the body through their use of characters. The changing female form is established and ultimately can help readers to conclude that female sexuality is constantly undergoing change and has not yet solidified in a single meaning and perhaps it never will.
In Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina, Fantomina is a girl attempting to maintain the interest of a man she desires. In order to do this she must take over the roles of several very different women in an attempt to keep him craving more. The idea that women are able to create their own sexuality in this strict and fleeting society is a concept that dominates throughout the novel (although ultimately is overruled by the societal norms). Haywood describes the male sex as unable to “prolong Desire, to any great Length after Possession” (50). The idea that the male is only interested in the new and exciting helps to force the female to attempt to achieve this goal in order to maintain his interest. It was described that “the Widow Bloomer was a more new acquaintance than Fantomina, and therefore esteem’d more valuable” (60). The idea that the female who has been around the longest does not serve the same purpose or intrigue as a new one, aids readers to a better understanding of Fantomina’s constant need to alter her physical appearance and thus take on an entirely new identity again and again.
Through the use of Fantomina and her various personas, the prolonging of desire can be established in a very unique form. Fantomina is able to alter her physical appearance to such a degree as to change the way in which others perceived her and thus is able to use her body to establish her social position. This ability allows her to put herself into situations which are outside of her class (both above and below). This is depicted when Fantomia is reflecting on the ways in which she has previously encountered Beausplaisir and how he has come to view her differently when she has changed her physical appearance “She had often seen him in the Drawing-Room, had talk’d with him; but then her Quality and reputed Virtue kept him from using her with that Freedom she now expected he wou’d do” (42). In stepping outside of the preset societal boundaries, Fantomina is able to interact with individuals on a variety of levels and experience things that would have otherwise been deemed unallowable. The use of the body as a tool towards blending into society is strongly characterized through Fantomina’s various portrayals. In one interaction with Beauplasir, Fantomina finds herself being pursued by him in accordance with the position he thinks her to be, “then pulling her gently to him, ask’d her…Questions, befitting one of the Degree she appear’d to be” (53). Had her body been portrayed in a different light (such as her true class standing), the experience in its entirety would have been altered. Beauplasir would most likely have ignored her as he had done so many times. Being that he thought her to be an individual below himself, he took liberties with Fantomina that he had until this time avoided.
Throughout Fantomina, the ability of the female to change into the desires of her male counterpart are shown as the ultimate way to maintain attraction and desire. Through change of the body and physical appearance Fantomia is able to change her social rank, position, and personality. The body is presented as the key to shaping identity. This view is in contrast to the idea exhibited in John Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure. In Cleland’s Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, the main character, Francis Hill, is unable to escape her body through all her efforts and ultimately leads a circular journey which results in her finding herself in the same position she attempts to escape at the beginning of the novel.[2] The idea that body is outside of class and social rank is expressed in this novel.
Cleland informs us that “we may say what we please, but those we can be the easiest and freest with, are ever those we like, not to say love the best” (81). The idea that we are drawn to individuals who make us work the least to be who we are is key to understanding Francis. If one has to work at appearing to be something, Cleland suggests that we are less likely to be attracted to that person. Although Francis plays the part of many different individuals, she is ultimately of one class and never able to escape from that ranking. The idea that the mind and the body are two entirely separate entities plays through in various times throughout the novel. For example, the notion that “objects which afright us, when we cannot get from them, draw our eyes as forcibly as those that please us” (101). At this point in the novel, Francis finds herself staring uncontrollably at the male genitalia; she is entirely unable to look away, not because she likes it but because she finds it fascinating and rare. If an individual were in complete control of their body, they would be able to look away from things they did not wish to see. But, being that the body is ultimately in charge of the brain, we are drawn and forced to experience that which we might rather not.
In the conclusion of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure, Francis finds herself intertwined with her true love, Charles. Their bond although physical is so complicated and deep that she describes it as “I was him, and he, me” (184). After spending the entire novel searching for a means of being self-sufficient and independent Francis succumbs to her inner-most wants and gives herself entirely over to a man both physically and emotionally when she is reunited with Charles. In marrying Charles, Francis is ultimately giving up her entire financial independence and all that she has worked to achieve. The strong Francis that was once depicted is almost instantly turned into a glowing, soft, docile, female. This idea helps readers to understand that Cleland truly feels that the body is able to control our social and economical identities. Had Francis not been under the control of her body, she would not have accepted Charles back and continued to pursue her desires of being rich and merry. Instead, she is instantly turned into the female identity which she originally found herself attempting to escape.
The two very unique views depicted in Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure and Fantomina help readers to better understand two of the ways the body can be viewed. However, being that the body and our concepts regarding the body is constantly changing and adapting, the views of the 18th century are unlikely to be those we encounter in our every day life.

[1] In the end of the novel, Fantomina is sent to a convent.
[2] In the beginning of the novel Francis is attempting to become self-sufficient, strong and independent.

Single All The Way Baby

(Aside from the fact that I have a totally awesome boyfriend who stimulates my mind and treats me like I've always wanted...)

Single, a state of mind or an actual thing? Even when I'm in a relationship when I'm asked if I'm single I always feel the pull of "YES!" Being single isn't a negative thing to me, it's something I take great pride in. It screams, I'm happy with who I am and I can support myself without the help of a man.

Here are a few quotes from a short compilation piece on single-ness and a few brief thoughts that come to my mind (Single Sate of the Union, Edited by Diane Mapes):

"Their woman's work always took a back seat to their own."
I want to always be able to put my own career in the forefront. The decisions of where I work and why seems to greatly contribute to my personal happiness and having the ability to work anywhere when I want is something I value very much. Giving that up would be a crying shame!

"Now we're in love. Our idea of a good time is critiquing rough drafts of each other's prose while ordering in sushi at midnight."

"I always have high expectations for email. In the back of my mind, there's an irrational, tiny, monstrous feeling that today might be the day for the email that will change my life."
I feel this way, every time I'm deprived of my computer I get this feeling like what if I'm missing something important. What if there's an email that is life changing? It's not that I'm expecting something, or anything for that matter, but what if?

"I am a professional single woman...an emerging trend of people who prefer to be single rather than settle."
I think this explains why I'm single. I'm single because I'm not going to settle for anyone or anything that is less than all I want and need. I'm single because I've made a conscious decision to care about myself and my happiness and I'm not going to fill a mythical void just to satisfy a quota.

"A first date must end with a kiss. If not, it's just an appointment."
We all know the deal here, the constant confusion of is it a date or not?

"To answer your (unspoken) questions: No, I haven't met anyone lately. I haven't been on any dates, and there's no one 'special' in my life that I'm holding out on you. Of course I want to meet someone. Naturally, I'm making efforts to put myself out there. And no, I'm not being stubborn or holding my standards unreasonably high. Yes, I want a life partner. Yes, I want to meet someone and fall madly, deeply, truly in love. And yes, I know my clock is ticking, and that does make me nervous. So there you have it. It's that straightforward."

"Yes, I have moments of uncertainty, but I'm not becoming that crazy cat lady."

"The notion that marriage is the most important piece of a woman's destiny...before you could be a partner, you had to become your own person."
This is so often missed or overlooked. Be yourself first and worry about the rest later.

"First of all, unless you're dating a midget, man stuff is huge."
This is so true. Just a few little items of is can take up your entire apartment and throw everything out of order.

"I cry anew, now because I am drunk and also so thankful that I have friends who will mix me cocktails and promise to leave their cell phones on all night when I am at my lowest."
My friends are everything to me. They always make me smile and they never fail to lift my spirits.

"If you're really unlucky, they'll ask you to recite a poem at their wedding. That's just what i want to do - monitor my drinking until I'm done with my public service announcement."
Ha! Please, please don't ask me to speak at your wedding. We all know that I like my drinks and that I hate poetry!

"I want to continue to have sexual adventures, but with someone by my side, someone who can experience them with me and enhance that experience."
This makes me feel at ease. I completely agree. Although adventures are always nice, it's never as nice as doing something with someone who truly matters.

"I never feel like I want to go to sleep after fucking him. I feel like I want to hump the furniture."

"I can always just pick up and go. I like it like this."
The lack of clutter in my life allows me to feel free to do what I want, when I want and with who I choose. I like this and I don't know if I'll ever be able to sacrifice this feeling.

"Fear of desertion comes with the territory of loving someone."
Here I thought it was just some weird thing that was wrong with me.

"One of the challenges of marriage is to learn how to live with a person and integrate that person into your life."
Sometimes you have to stop and wonder if adding someone new changes things. It doesn't have to. You can have it all, you just have to understand yourself enough to balance it.

"Nothing can match the peacefulness that comes from knowing that I am solely responsible for the life I create, and that with each passing year I seem to be closer to 'getting it right'."

"I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor...who will hold back my hair when I puke."

Call me crazy...but the wisdom that comes with being single is unmatched by anything else in the world.

Cruelty Case

Okay so Pepe...this dog was making my heart bleed, I wasn't sure if I could take him in and financially make it work but I just couldn't see this little guy put down... so I bit the bullet and figured I could use my Christmas bonus from my boss if I had to. Then - out of no where I'm getting emails about him. A woman who is adopting one of the puppies just donated $50 and a foster emailed me about donating $50. It's like when I think man kind is evil and there is no hope at all, I'm shown a light...amazing!!!

Gay American

Sexuality is so vastly complex and compelling, an unavoidable part of being a human animal, and yet shrouded in mystery. Sexuality is an interplay of desire and denial, fantasy and reality with a complex physical and biological template tangled with an equally complicated cultural overlay.[1]

“The Sotadic Zone” by Sir Richard Burton proposes the idea that homosexuality is not racial, genetic or moral based and that homosexuality is actually a geographic result. “The Sotadic Zone” argues that within this geographical area of the world (including all of North America), the gender differences between men and women are fewer and this results in a confusion of sexuality among the masses and ultimately leads to an increase in the number of individual who are homosexual.
Burton argues that “within the Sotadic Zone there is a blending of the masculine and feminine temperaments, a crasis which elsewhere occurs only sporadically” (204). This argument is used to say that homosexuality is more concentrated in areas of the Sotadic zone. Burton’s ideas of sexuality are drastically different from those we have seen up unto this time period. Burton’s idea of sexuality as a geographic result instead of an innate feature of gender, as previously believed, creates a new idea surrounding how one comes to their own sexual identity. Burton’s theory would assume that being born and raise in a specific area of the world would make you more or less likely to be homosexual. Although this is not the modern conclusion, it does hold true in part.
Sheri Winston in “A New Paradigm For Our Times” states that sexual identity is, in part, a result of the cultural overlay one is exposed to. This idea is similar to Burton’s understanding of sexuality as geographic area greatly contributes to the cultural experience of an individual. Burton’s forward thinking ideas help to move individual away from the focus on gender as the sole reasoning behind sexuality and more towards the modern belief of sexuality through a combination of experiences and genetic influences.

[1] Winston, Sheri. “A New Paradigm For Our Times.” Wholistic Sexuality. 2003: 105-117.

Just Another Crazy Day

So, life has now begun to again require a blog. A space to put my thoughts on "paper" and a place to reconsider those crazy thoughts.
Today has been all around odd. It all began around lunch time when I decided to run to the bank. On my way I ever so kindly turned on my car blinker and attempted to change lanes. However, the individual in the spot I wanted didn't want to let me in, so I of course forced my way in. He then proceeded to follow me to the stop light where he decided he'd like to fight me. No joke! He, a white male in his late twenties was going to start a physical fight with me, a small girl in her early twenties who just needed to change lanes and didn't intend to make anyone upset. He rolled down his window and honked, he raised his fists, rolled down his window and began to pound on his chest like Tarzan. Following this brief but rather stunning encounter I then ventured to the great almighty Subway for lunch...and to my shock and dismay - Subway was "out of white bread."
This is clearly a day where I should stop, drop everything and return to bed. But, being the dare devil that I am, I decide to continue my ventures. I return to work and begin to check my emails. Bad idea! I had emailed an individual the prior day starting that I didn't feel my dog rescue had a place for the dog he was hoping to surrender. This individual had decided to email me back. Normally I would get a kind thank you and a suggestion of where to continue the search for a rescue group that might take the dog. But not on this day, this day was something straight out of a comic book...he had decided (are you noticing a trend here - another male, I wonder why I'm a feminist?) to write me back and state "Oh well, if you won't take the dog that's fine. I own a pistol."
Where's the trash can? I need to vomit!

The Double Standard Holding Firm

"In the evening Sir William fell into a wrangling discourse wherein he compared, or rather would level me with a liar and a whore, saying, pride was the worse sin than either, and a chaste woman that overvalued herself was in greater fault." (Sexual Experiences, 148)


Writing of the 17th century British authors show a clear distinction between the genders. A double standard of sexuality has been formed and is in constant need of reinforcement. The patriarchy of the 17th century can be viewed as a contributing factor to the double standard. As seen in Eliza Haywood’s Fantomina and Other Works, woman are often overlooked and undervalued. The idea of taking pride in ones self is seen as a fault and is used as a reason to discard an unchaste woman.
In the story of Fantomina, the protagonist of the same name is encouraged to pursue a male counterpart, Beauplaisir who is known for having various partners. Fantomina quickly finds herself unchaste and transforming herself in order to meet the desires of Beauplaisir. The double standards of sexuality are quickly introduced when in the first encounter Fantomina has with her love interest, “He resolv’d not to part from her without the Gratifications of those Desires she had inspir’d” (43). The idea of an unchaste male being unwanted and not fit for marriage, are not a concern of the time. However, a female who is unchaste is immediately considered of lower value to all partners and will be forced to marry an individual in the social hierarchy much lower than she.
In “Sexual Experiences” the idea of a woman who is chaste but filled with pride is seen as a major fault. However, males such Beauplaisir are allowed to be filled with pride and it is often seen as masculine. Fantomina’s varied characters and costume throughout the novel can certainly be viewed as a form of self pride and perhaps even mockery of the pride Beauplaisir exhibits. Fantomina’s costumes show that she is able to outwit Beauplaisir and she is able to sustain his interest longer than she would have otherwise. This exhibit of self pride in a female is one of the many reasons in the end that Beauplaisir find himself walking away from his varied and adventurous relationships with Fantomina.
The double standard of the 17th century can be cleared viewed and supported in texts such as Fantomina and Other Works and “Sexual Experiences”. Women are often overlooked and undervalued and the idea of taking pride in ones self is seen as a fault and is used as a reason to discard an unchaste woman, which is ultimately what we see happen to Fantomina.

It's In The Meaning

Pop culture, ideals, values and religion are many of the unique tools used to review writing. However, good writing possesses more than all of these factors combined and far outweighs the values of temporary popularity. Good writing is so objective that in order to meet the test of time it must possess qualities which make its worth and value to readers more than just a movement of the time. Good writing must be understandable to the masses, open to interpretation and purposeful. Although all of these concepts are vague, they are the three main principals which make up Literature.
When reviewing writings which are understandable to the masses, the first thing that comes to mind is Shakespeare. Many would say that his writing is not for the masses; however, modern movies and tales have used his plots in their re-creations. This makes the term “understandable to the masses” a generic term which is open to interpretation; which is in fact, the second idea posed to you. A good body of writing must allow the readers to review, judge and analyze for themselves. The piece can be straight forward but must have enough overall substance to be considered differently in contextual views.
Lastly, good writing must contain a purpose which results in a long term impact on the reading public. Although all books with a purpose don’t necessarily become works of art, no book without a purpose can. Good writing although entirely in the eyes of the beholder must always include the three main principals.

Attempting to Find a Structure

The idea of teaching The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain in classrooms across America may be shocking and forward to some; however, outdated and excessively structured to others. In a close review of the writing, context, language and overall benefits that reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn has the potential to bring to a classroom, I will express how greatly the disadvantages out way the benefits.
Many individuals and teachers a like will argue that the use of the vernacular and coarse language is enough to exclude The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from student curriculum until college level. However, the use of the vernacular and dialect throughout the novel is actually the novels strongest learning tool. Individuals looking to strengthen their vocabulary and learn from their reading would find the use of local language to be a huge benefit and very stimulating. The challenge that Twain presents the reader with through the attempt to understand and comprehend the dialect is a masterful work. However, dialect and vernacular alone are not enough to encourage a school to teach a novel. If that were the case, books from regions like Mexico, Hindi and Tagalog would be enough to meet this criteria. A good novel which is taught in high school courses should include interesting strong vocabulary but also have a thorough topic, clear thesis and themes and an easy to follow plot line. After all, isn’t that what we are attempting to teach new writers?
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is filled with themes, however has no clear direction or point by the end of the story. The many side tales told by the narrator and various characters are a distraction to the overall plot of the novel and encourage scattered, uncontrolled, poorly structured writing. One such example is the “Raft Passage”. The footnote to this section of the novel states “The passage that follows was part of the final autograph manuscript for Huck Finn that Twain sent…the cut was made to save space and not on literary or aesthetic grounds,” (161). This portion of the novel was removed from the original publishing to save space; however, being that it was off topic and lacked the consistency that is found within the remaining portion of the novel, the cutting of this portion is understandable. There are several other sub-stories within the novel that if cut, would not remove from the quality or complexity of the novel. The overall length and structure does not promote the style of writing frequently taught in the classroom and would be detrimental to the ideas being taught.
Although Twain warns readers that the story holds no plot, individuals within high schools and most college students read stories almost exclusively for the overall plot. In reading the novel from start to finish, there is clearly a lack of plot. The story does not hold true to the standard writings structure of protagonist, climax, and resolution. One might attempt to argue that the story does resolve itself; however, if the ending had been thorough and complete rather than cut short, there is no telling where the story would have gone. It is a poor influence to present our educated youth. Encouraging youth to end their writing pieces short and simple without a thorough, expanded and complete conclusion is a major fault; especially as thorough conclusions are often a weakness within high school writing.
Although The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is a popular historical piece of writing, there are many other stories which would be used to teach the same things within the classroom. Such pieces include Life In The Iron Mills by Rebecca Harding Davis and The Trail of the Goldseekers by Hamlin Garland. Both of these stories are by American realist writers who have strong writings skills, use of the vernacular and would be a great contribution to any high school curriculum.

The Taming of the Shrew

In William Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, Kate and Petruchio are seen as equal sparing partners. They are both smart, cunning individuals who make a rather comical pairing. However, by the end of the novel, Shakespeare has indeed, tamed the shrew and Kate is no longer the quick to judge, angry girl we see in the beginning of the novel.
Although Kate’s character progresses in various directions throughout The Taming of the Shrew, Kate ultimately becomes an obedient wife to Petruchio. Kate’s final speech in the novel addresses many key areas of her final transformation. In the beginning lines, Kate addresses the fact that disobedience makes a woman ugly. Here Kate says “And dart not scornful glances from those eyes To Wound thy lord, thy kind, thy governor. It blots thy beauty as frosts do bite the meads,” (219). This expression is addressed to the group of woman who did not come when called by their husbands. Kate is arguing that disobedience and the “scornful glances” make the woman unattractive. She continues on to express how unpleasing angry women are. “A woman moved is like a fountain troubled,” 219). This expression shows that a woman who is angry is like a muddy, unused water hole. Such a woman can not be seen for her beauty in the eyes of viewers.
The introduction of Kate’s speech is very focused on the ugliness of anger and disobedience. However, quickly Kate turns the cards and addresses wit and cunning. Kate speaks to the women and tells them that their lack of obedience to their husbands is foolish on their part. Kate says, “And not obedient to his honest will, What is she but a foul contending rebel and graceless traitor to her loving lord?” (219). Although this line addresses grace as a form of beauty, Kate’s focus is on the foolishness associated with disobedience to a loving and caring husband. Throughout The Taming of the Shrew, Petruchio is supposed to be seen as the soul provider of their family, and as such he has earned the respect of his wife. In “A Homily of the State of Matrimony,” the various reasons for marriage are reviewed. It is stated that marriage “does not emphasize pleasure or happiness as a reasons to marry,” (171). This philosophy holds true in The Taming of the Shrew. At no point in Kate’s address to the other women does she address the fact that obedience is due because of love. Kate in fact never uses the word.
Strangely enough, Kate brings God into the mix when she says “Why are our bodies soft and weak and smooth, Unapt to toil and trouble in the world,” (221). Kate is telling her listening ears that God has created women (in their essential form as soft and smooth) to be looked after by their husbands. Had God intended woman to care for themselves or provide for their families through various chores and hard labor, he would have made their bodies more conducive to work. This ideology is repeated in “A Homily of the State of Matrimony.” In “A Homily of the State of Matrimony,” it is said “For the woman is a weak creature, not endued with like strength and constancy of mind,” (174). There are many similarities in philosophy seen between the Homily and The Taming of the Shrew. The ideas and values of the 1600s are clearly noted and supported throughout various works of the time period.
In Kate’s final act of obedience she places her hand under the foot of Petruchio, “And place your hands below your husband’s foot,” (221). This puts him in the position to step on her if he so chooses and she knows this, as she says “My hand is ready, may it do him ease,” (221). In this scene, Kate is entirely at the will and whim of her husband. This act shows her as confident of his care and trusting of her position within the relationship.
Although Shakespeare initially creates Kate as a shrew and hateful woman, he is able to progress her character to much more. Kate in essence because the ideal wife and is found to be preaching to what once would have been the choir. Through the finale speech in The Taming of the Shrew, it is clear that Kate is in fact, a tamed woman.

Opposite Ends of the Spectrum

Throughout the Romantic period there was a surge in placing value on passion, feeling and reason as a form of decision making. The ideas surrounding the works of William Blake’s London and Robert Burns’ The Fornicator prove to readers that an individual need not have proper education in order to understand and change the world around them. The use of passion and perception as a form of reasoning, in opposition to rationalism, helped to inspire the masses into political upheaval and change. In contrast to Blake, Burns forces readers to look beyond what is seen on the surface and question circumstances at a deeper level. The idea that vision alone is enough to evoke change within an individual is overlooked by Burns and replaced with the idea that vision and thought combined make for the soundest logic. These two opposing views helped individuals to form opinions regarding the government and ultimately resulted in the French Revolution.
During the Romantic period, the period of Blake and Burns’ poetry, politics and social ideas were changing. The National Assembly was in the process of accepting and approving the “Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen.” The Declaration would soon be approved by the National Assembly and disapproved by the Catholic Church. Romantics were learning to place emotional and sensory oriented experienced values above that of ideas expressed in rationalism. Charles Baudelaire said it best, “Romanticism is precisely situated neither by choice of subject nor exact truth, but in a way of feeling,” (3). Although the revolution was ultimately named the French Revolution, it was ecumenical.
Blake used poems such as London, to create an artificial emotion in readers which exhibited the feeling associated with romanticism. This artificial emotion which Blake is able to evoke encourages readers to feel for the so called victim of society. The victim of society is traditionally an individual who has been cast down from social grace and must struggle to survive in an unforgiving society. In London, published in 1794, Blake uses the first person to make readers conscious of their surroundings. Blake begins the poem saying “I wander thro’ each charter’d street/Near where the charter’d Thames does flow” (179). The repetition of chartered draws the readers’ attention to the word and thus evokes a feeling of confinement and restriction under the government. Blake goes on to use a graphic visual image to emphasize his views of the world, stating “And the hapless Soldiers sigh/Runs in blood down Palace walls” (179). Readers are encouraged to open their eyes to the world around them and take in that which they see. According to Blake, readers should feel so moved by that which they view physically and the feelings these images evoke, that they have no choice but to act.
Blake goes on to use sexual references to express his ideas of the times political environment. This connection is made to bring forth the vulgarity which can be found in prostitution and politics, a rather cunning suggestion. Blake says “But most thro’ midnight streets I hear/How the youthful Harlots curse/Blasts the new-born Infants tear/And blights with plagues the Marriage hearse” (179). In this stanza, Blake focuses on sexual impunities and their effects on society. Blake has already shown the streets of London to be filled with filth, but what could be worse than a curse upon our new born children? Blake’s references encourage the masses to rise up and demand change within their cities. Blake says “How the Chimney-sweepers cry/Every blackning Church appalls” (179). Here Blake is showing that as the victim within society is crying for help and expressing the woes of his struggles, the church is turning a blind eye and is appalled by the dirty homeless child. Readers are supposed to feel a raw emotional connection to the child calling for help. This emotion is used to cause a surge which results in the uprising of the people and ultimately the French Revolution.
Much like Blake, Robert Burns, a Scotsman, presents the world from the eyes of a victim of society. Burns shows readers the hypocrisy of the society everyone is living in and encourages one to think about their actions in relation to their perceptions. Although Blake and Burns write during the same time period, their poetry is nearly in contradiction to each other in that Blake believes in evoking raw feelings in order to move individuals to action, while Burns encourages readers to look beyond the surface and question morals on a deeper level.
Robert Burns writes The Fornicator in the first person and places the poem in a public realm, much like Blake. However, different from Blake, Burns writes The Fornicator less to encourage individuals to use their own perceptions but to make readers question the perceptions that they see. Rather than perceiving something as Blake suggests, Burns suggests that sight alone is not enough. Burns forces readers to look beyond what is seen on the surface and question circumstances at a deeper level. The idea that vision alone is enough to evoke change within an individual is overlooked by Burns and replaced with the idea that vision and thought combined make for the soundest logic.

In a different light from that seen in London, Burns expresses sexual impropriety as wrong only in some instances. Burns writes his poem of fornication while expressing a somewhat genuine love between two characters. He describes the love that is felt by harlots in opposition, by saying “Ye wenching blades who hireling jades/Have tipt you off blue-boram” (381). Here Burns is saying that there is a difference between love outside of marriage and prostitution. He is not entirely condoning either but has not shown disdain. Burns, again, is not calling for actions from his readers, but is encouraging readers to question that which they see.
One example of the varied views expressed by Blake and Burns can be clearly identified in their views of orthodox religion. Burns, rather than evoking thoughts of the church, places his characters physically within a church, “Before the Congregation wide/I pass’d the muster fairly” (381). Burns’ characters are atoning for their sin of fornication in front of the congregation. This social ostracizing is shown to be a hypocritical statement. Burns uses the final stanza of his poem to emphasize the idea that all people are “fornicators” or sinners. Both Blake and Burns use the church to show the hypocrisy found within churches during the Romantic era and also to place an emphasis on perceptions. Blake wants readers to see and act, while Burns wants readers to consider that sin and wrong doing is all in the eye of the beholder. Why such a vast difference between the two views? Blake’s poem is written to show individuals the injustice around them, while Burns poems are from the eyes of the sinner. The perception of the speaker, in Blake being the observer and in Burns being a criminal, allows readers to understand the position of the author himself.
However not all ideas found within the two poems are in contraction. The most prominent similarity between Blake and Burns is their joint belief in the idea of a fallen society. London focuses on the overall fall of the great city. The poem shows a society which is struggling to provide its people with the necessities. Burns too shows a fallen society in that he says all are fornicators. The similar belief that society has reached an all time low is often expressed in writings of the Romantic period. Use of sensory imagery is used by both Blake and Burns to allow readers to connect first hand with the writings. Blake ends lines 9 and 13 with “I hear” while including visual images of the streets to draw readers into the poem. Burns’ poetry emphasizes sight as well, while showing readers two individuals sitting before a congregation. Burns’ sinners are shown using visual imagery as sitting with shame, “my downcast eye by chance did spy/What made my lips to water” (381). The use of the primary senses in relation to how the world is perceived and how one interacts with the world is key to understanding poems of the Romantic period.
The use of passion and perception as a form of reasoning, in opposition to rationalism, helped to inspire the masses into political upheaval and change which manifested through the French Revolution. Writings such as those mentioned above by Blake and Burns, although at different ends of the spectrum, worked to provide the public with the knowledge and inspiration to act on feeling as a form of reasoning.

Works Cited
Benjamin, Walter. The Writer of Modern Life: Essays on Charles Baudelaire. Berlin, Germany: Belknap Press, 2006.

Damrosch, David and Kevin Dettmar, eds. The Longman Anthology of British Literature. United State: Pearson Education, Inc, 2006.

Passing Ideas

“Racial Formation” by Michael Omi and Howard Winant abstractly covers the idea of race, both as an essence and an illusion, as it relates to modern practices within the United States. Race within politics, everyday life, science, and more is reviewed as a fundamental concept which is constantly affected by hegemony within our society. The idea that race is a historical concept is established to help create a concrete idea that race will eventually evolve into something new and unique from that which it is believed to be today.

In “Racial Formation,” the following passage exhibits the argument Omi and Winant are trying to imprint upon the reader:

Since racial formation is always historically situated, our understating of the significance of race, and of the way race structures society, has changed enormously over time. The processes of racial formation we encounter today, the racial projects large and small which structure U.S. society in so many ways, are merely the present-day outcomes of a complex historical evolution. The contemporary racial order remains transient. By knowing something of how it evolved, we can perhaps better discern where it is heading. (61)

Omi and Winant are trying to stress the importance of understanding the history of race in order to better lead and establish what “race” will mean to future generations.

The illusion of race as a fundamental means for understanding an individual is established as being socially constructed and therefore invalid. However, the idea that understanding race can better help individuals to establish non-racial projects for the future, in an attempt to better mankind, is stressed as being the articles’ purpose. The idea that understanding contemporary racial order as a fleeting structure establishes the solvency of racial evolution.

WTF

P.G. Wodehouse, author of “Strychnine in the Soup” a story, in essence about a story, is a classic example of the use of literature in modernist writing. The tale, “Strychnine in the Soup” focuses readers on the culture surrounding a good novel and brings readers to understand and question the culture surrounding literature.
Individuals throughout Wodehouse’s “Strychnine in the Soup” are constantly attempting to read a single piece of literature, a novel within the story - Strychnine in the Soup. The players are so interested in reading that they often become neglectful of other life details and personal interactions. The group of individuals enthralled in the novel, are depicted as being very exclusive of those who have not, or are yet to, read the novel. Wodehouse is able to show the exclusivity of the literary culture established during the modernist era and use this environment as a setting for his tale.
One can call into question the idea that Wodehouse has written a story, about a man in a bar telling a story…about a story. Through this detachment, Wodehouse is able to show readers their degree of removal from the actual literature and call into question the role of the reader. Whether it is the detachment of the reader or the representation of what a reader is like, Wodehouse is able to focuses readers on the culture surrounding a good novel and brings readers to understand and question “literature”.

In The Coquette by Hannah W. Foster, General Sanford is introduced as a man passionately in love (or perhaps just lust) with Eliza Wharton. However, Eliza never has the opportunity to marry Sanford. Not only does he never ask, but he returns from abroad with a wife. The reader is then forced to question, why Sanford hesitates in making Eliza an offer of marriage, when their feelings of love for each other are so evidently mutual? Simple, Sanford feels that he is entitled to live a life of luxury, which he can not support of his own means and must therefore marry a women with financial backing.
Throughout the novel, the connection between Sanford and Eliza is clear. There is no question that she feels for him and although a reader could wonder if he feels the same, Foster is blunt in depicting that Sanford does love Eliza. Sanford writes “Love her, I certainly do! Would to heaven I could marry her” (72). Therefore, why does he not act on these feelings? Sanford begins to explain his circumstance to the reader in a letter to Mr. Charles Deighton. Here he states:

I shall manage matter very well, I have no doubt, and keep up the appearance of affluence, till I find some lady in a strait for a husband, whose fortune will enable me to extricate myself (65).

From this, the reader is able to gather that Sanford has no money and is simply keeping up the appearance of being affluent. Sanford feels that his only option for gaining the wealth needed to support his lifestyle would be to marry a lady.
Foster invites readers to understand and even sympathize with the situation Sanford has found himself in through use of Eliza. The reader is greatly attached to and connected with Eliza and her feelings; therefore, reader has no choice but to mutually like Sanford for his wit and cunning. Being that Eliza is only able to connect intimately with Sanford, allows the reader to feel sympathy for Sanford as an individual and identify him as a human being, capable of all such emotions.
Whether because of Eliza’s clear connection with Sanford or the illusion which Foster has created of love between the two, readers of The Coquette have no choice but feel sympathy for all players in the novel, regardless of their actions. Sanford’s decision to not marry Eliza may have ultimately led to the fall of both players, but was made with deep thought and consideration.

Hope Leslie

There are many scenes which play parallel or mirror scenes in Catharine Maria Sedgwick’s Hope Leslie. The use of echo scenes plays a large part in the flow and foreshadowing of the novel. Through use of these scenes, Sedgwick is able to incorporate a degree of anticipation while encouraging the reader to make historical, biblical, and social connections to the events as they unfold.
The novel begins with the tale of love lost due to the meddling of Alice Fletcher’s father, Sir William. In fact, “Sir William perceived their growing attachment and exulted in it” (4). The scene plays out that the lovers who are originally thrust together by Sir William are then forced apart. In Volume I, Mr. Downing suggests that Everell should wed Ester; here he says “I have already taken the first steps towards bringing about so desirable an end” (97). Much like the scene which takes place between Alice and her father, Ester is thrust into a situation with Everell because of her father. Had Ester’s father not encourage the relationship to foster by inviting Everell to his house, it is possible that Ester’s life would take a very different turn; use of these parallel scenes, helps readers to notice the citizenship status of unmarried women. Both Alice and Ester’s futures are shown as being entirely dependent on the decisions made by their fathers.
Another parallel scene Sedgwick demonstrates is far less obvious. Rosa, a young girl under-cover, warns Hope Leslie of her master’s deceitful ways. Here she says “Promise me you will not love my master. Do not believe him, though he pledge the word of a true knight always to love you” (110). In a similar scene, Jennet, a house-maid overhears a conversation between Everell and an accomplice and runs to tell Sir Philip Garner of this great secret. The use of characters such as Rosa and Jennet as a means for establishing a social gossip network are a tool Sedgwick shows great mastery of.

The Servant in the Household

Many authors understand the pressures and complications that come with being a woman in a patriarchal society. The loss of identity and independence was often a topic of writings during the 19th century, writings which are still revered and discussed today. One author who used her poetry to emphasize the struggles that women faced while trying to find independence within the public sphere was Emily Dickinson. Dickinson’s poems addressed a wide variety of topics and ideas, but one very prominent theme in her poetry was the conflicting feelings and emotions women faced when marrying. In review of Dickinson’s poems numbers 199, 732 and 1072, the theme of loss of identity through marriage is unveiled and examined.
Dickinson’s poem 199 focuses on the death of self upon marriage. The idea that a woman is no longer able to stay true to herself and must become a servant to societal rules is clearly displayed. Poem 199 begins “I’m ‘wife’ – I’ve finished that -/That other state.” This line draws on the woman as independent prior to marriage and defines the woman’s pre-married self as “That other state,” a state of being undefined. In leaving the female undefined before marriage Dickinson is creating a character that in essence does not exist. The idea that an unmarried woman is incomplete and unnoticed is expressed in defining her as the other. Prior to marriage, woman of the 19th century were not responsible for their own business affairs and were often under the charge of older relatives.
Stanza two begins to review the idea of marriage as death. Dickinson expresses in stanza two that through marriage a woman dies as an individual and begins to take on the role of a titled self, a role which no longer allows her to be herself, but requires her to be what others view her as. “Girl” or the undefined other is viewed from heaven during this stanza and seen as an irregularity. During this viewing it is noted “How odd the Girl’s life looks.” The idea that unmarried women during the 19th century (and even today) are viewed as undefined and incomplete is seen as problematic and unnatural within society. A woman who is unmarried must certainly have something wrong with her. In order to be plenary in society a woman must find her place along side a male counterpart. A girl cannot be classified as a woman until she has found a mate, married and thus become complete.
The ending of poem 199 by Dickinson begins to review the ideas of wife as the ultimate end to all for woman. Stanza three draws on the “other” (the undefined self) from stanza one when Dickinson says “That other kind – was pain.” The independent self is viewed as a harsh state of living because woman must struggle against the views of other women and the pressures of society to avoid being labeled a spinster, misfit or oddity. However, Dickinson stops the thoughts from reeling in readers’ minds “But why compare? / I’m ‘Wife’! Stop there!” The idea that wife is enough title to complete and fulfill a woman’s life is used to conclude the poem. The ideas of wife as fulfillment not only concludes the poem but is also symbolically the conclusion of the identity found as an individual.
Dickinson’s poem 732 again addresses the female issues of stopping existence as an individual in order to complete the roles and requirements established by society. Poem 732 begins with “She rose to His Requirement – dropt/ The Playthings of Her Life.” The idea of leaving behind hobbies and joys which are considered menial tasks for the pleasure of waiting on a husband are expressed here. A woman is unable to maintain a life which includes both personal pleasures and completion of household duties. A woman must choose to either be alone or give up that which has defined her thus far in her life. The poem continues “To take the honorable Work / Of Woman, and of Wife.” Women are depicted heroically in leaving little hobbies for the greater good of serving a man. The sarcasm in the verse is clear and the detrimental effects on females who are obligated to marry begin to spin through a reader’s mind. In stanza two, Dickinson begins to explore the lasting effects marriage has, “If ought She missed in Her new Day, / Of Amplitude, or Awe - / Or first Prospective – Or the Gold / In using, wear away.” The heroic female is no longer seen and what is left is the faded glory of marriage, the little tasks which Wife once completed are no longer valued or respected and the beauty which appeared on first prospective has left Wife a dull used toy.
The used toy will quickly begin to irritate and annoy the husband in the household. Wife will quickly lose the grace and acceptance which was first established. Dickinson puts it well when she says “Develop Pearl, and Weed, / But only to Himself – be known / The Fathoms they abide-.” Both a pearl and a weed take time to develop and are very much an irritation. The idea that the husband and the wife both understand and notice the annoyances caused from their relationship but fail to acknowledge these to others is expressed here. The silence of a disappointed marriage is never drawn forth nor addressed in the public sphere and is thus a hidden secret among the married. The idea that both individuals abide by this disturbance causes one to question why anyone would get married.
In poem 732 Dickinson clearly expresses that marriage is detrimental and will eventually lose its novelty and become a mistake. Women who choose to reject the lifestyle of Wife will not fade into the background of a male and will not be forced to live with the developed irritation. The independent woman will never be seen as complete but to herself she will have peace. Poem 199 does not allow a reader to consider life without a male; however, it does not depict life as Wife as being ideal either. Dickinson’s encouragement to discard the social roles created for woman is shown in the ways in which she led her own life. Dickinson’s solitude and independence can be viewed as an idealistic state for most unhappily married women. However, an unmarried reader would most likely have a hard time understanding why anyone would want to spend their life without a companion.
One question that Dickinson raises to help readers question society’s rules is, what might be an ideal life? Dickinson explores the ideas of being a wife to God as a form of ideal living in poem 1072. “Title divine – is mine!” The idea that being a wife to the ultimate of ultimate, as creating a great power and divine joy, is looked at in the first line of this poem. However, quickly Dickinson notices that being a wife to God or being a wife to a human is still an exchange of self in order to serve another. “Betrothed – without the swoon / God sends us Women - / …Garnet to Garnet - / Gold – to Gold - / Born – Bridalled – Shrouded.” The idea that sacrifice comes with all forms of marriage and little is ever returned to the giving woman is explored. In comparing life as a wife to God and a man, Dickinson uses the visions of identical physical elements to express that there is no real difference. Ultimately, Dickinson demonstrates in 1072 that marriage, on earth and in heaven, results in the death of self or shrouding. She then asks readers “Is this – the way?” Readers are encouraged to question the role that the woman plays in society and the roles that marriage play in a women’s life. The path that has been pre-assigned to all females is questioned and in so doing, readers must ask what alternatives there are.
The questions which arise from poems such as those explored above and many others of the 19th century help to inspire woman to rebel against the defined social roles. Women are encouraged to maintain independence at all costs and avoid giving up that which they love and cherish for other individuals. The establishment of a female character outside of the existence of a male helps to solidify views that woman can be independently defined and “girl” can be replaced. Dickinson’s poems number 199, 732 and 1072 express the theme of loss of identity through marriage and can be viewed as early thoughts on feminism.

Language on the Loose

Victorian writers came to realize that language fails to secure meaning and quickly moved onto new beliefs of language, associated with the Modernist period. One such writer went so far as to prove that language can lead individuals on a wild journey. In The Importance of Being Ernest, by Oscar Wilde, language is mocked as being unable to fully secure meaning and ultimate failing and providing any truth.
Wilde uses the name Ernest to show readers that words are only as meaning full as the individual who is presenting them. In Act I, Jack presents himself as Mr. Ernest Worthing; however, we quickly come to find out that Mr. Ernest Worthing is really named Jack. Algernon in shock and disbelief then goes into a dialogue about his certainty that Jack’s name is Ernest:

You have always told me it was Ernest. I have introduced you to every one as Ernest. You answer to the name of Ernest. You look as if your name was Ernest. You are the most earnest-looking person I ever saw in my life. It is perfectly absurd your saying that your name isn’t Ernest. It’s on your card. (5)


This rather comical diatribe between the two men forces readers to consider that language when told in jest or untruth is only as true as the individual presenting it. Victorians come to understand through writings such as Wilde’s that language allows only minimal room for truth. When taken into consideration that all history is written in symbols/language and claimed to be truth, one must then question if there is any reality to be found in language or if we must simply accept what is presented to us as truth. These ideas of language as a false means of achieving truth, leads individual of the Victorian era to disregard beliefs that everything exists within language and that language is the ultimate truth. In disregarding these ideas, the Modernist movement begins.

Shaping an Individual

In Face Of an Angel, Denise Chavez is able to form a rich novel focused on varied aspects of culture. Chavez addresses how an individual’s identity forms out of interactions from within ones perceived culture. Chavez uses the main character, Soveida Dosamantes to establish a relationship with readers. The novel flows so smoothly that it’s easy to forget that mixed in with the text is a book being written by the protagonist – “The Book of Service”. “The Book of Service” is used as a key tool by Chavez to focus the formation of Soveida’s identity, while the surrounding chapters tell the story of identity formation.
A prime example of Chavez’s use of “The Book of Service” can be found in chapter eight. Here, Soveida is writing about tips and ways to ensure that a waitress receives a good tip. Soveida’s identity shines through when she writes “Few people really care what a waitress thinks. What matters is how we look and act” (313). Soveida has come to believe that opinions don’t matter, thoughts don’t matter, what speaks loudest are looks and actions. The cliché, actions speak louder than words, has become a philosophy towards how to interact with others in Soveida’s life.
Concern can be raised when considering that Soveida believes looks to be more valued in society than opinions. Soveida finds herself surrounded by strong male characters that often value an individual based on their physical attributes, as seen by her father – Luardo and her first husband - Ivan. These, perhaps subconscious, actions of those around Soveida have come to influence the way that she perceives herself.
Chavez uses “The Book of Service” to focus Soveida’s development throughout the novel. As Soveida grows and learns from life, she is shaped through cultural interactions from throughout society. Soveida’s philosophies towards life and service, shows readers identity formation as it correlates to everyday life.