God in Pieces

We all have this time piece of ourselves that is bridged with God. This time piece of life that knows what's right, what's wrong and what's needed to make us who we are. I had a reminded over the last week of just how real this piece of God is. I'm amazed at the ways that he shows through and left breathless when I think about it.
How is it that we can all go around day after day like we do and then all of sudden, that little connection within us comes out? I have always been very aware of the God within me; however, I've never realized the God that exists in others. It's as if people are the pieces to a puzzle that as a whole makes up God.

Moments of Fullness

I feel such love for Steve that I have to stand back and look at how far I've come. I've never made an effort. He's the first guy who has come into my life where I feel that making an effort is worth it. Although, 90% of the time there isn't an effort required. I wish that he could see himself through my eyes for a minute, just a short amount of time. He's such a warm and loving person that I feel lucky to have him in my life. I don't know anyone like him. He's a million things I can't describe. I know that he is always afraid of losing me. Whether it be to someone else or to nothing at all. What he doesn't realize is that he's the only one who could lose me...I'm not going anywhere so long as he's Steve.

A Journey

Life is a journey, that's for sure. I have learned so much thus far and it's scary and exciting to think of all the things I will learn moving forward.



Steve is gone for five days and although I'm happy for him and exciting that he's getting this time for himself...I miss him. I have never loved anyone as much as I love him. He is this amazing guy. Sure he makes his mistakes but I'm not easy to deal with and he tolerates the good and bad in me. I have never felt the need to be so loyal in my life. I've always had people who come and go and aren't really committeed to me. Now I've got Steve and he's as devoted to me as I am to him. Yes we both have our insecurities as we're both damaged goods...but at least we're in the compost pile together.

Another Fit

The monthly fit has starting to feel normal. He threw his fit yesterday, almost right on schedule...and instead of taking it to heart and feeling like shit - I've given up. He needs drama in his life. I get that. He hasn't learned how to live in the moment - he can't just accept the life that he has. I guess that comes from a lot of different places - low self-esteem, scary past and scary future. Rather than sucking it up, getting the help he needs and learning that living in the present isn't all that bad - he continues with this monthly circle.

He needs help. I love him and I want to support him but I can't help him in the ways that he needs. I'm having a hard time even making the effort with him anymore. How can I take anything he gets upset about seriously when I know that he wont deal with the real issues? He needs to deal with his past - his family issues (which he has created since his family really doesn't hate him like he thinks), his military experiences (which he seems to pretend never happened and yet holds extreme emotions - which only come out when you mention certain things), and his self-esteem issues (which I think will heal themselves if he fixes the other areas of his life). He depends on me to create his own image and that's just not healthy.

Since he's started this fit I've realized that I can use these monthly moments to catch up on the things I give up during the remainder of the month for him. I called up the friends who's phone calls I hadn't returned. I set up a dinner date with a gal pal I haven't had enough time for. I finished a good book.

Pinch Me

Yes work may suck but Steve is amazing.

Last night after a long day of fighting people I came home to rose petals, candles, a great meal and a bubble bath. What girl could ask for more? It was this totally enchanting thing - something you'd see on a movie. I wish I could write more and describe it but it was simply wordless and breath taking. If anything - I'm spoiled!

Single for Life?

I've always thought I was meant to be single. Not because I'm destined to be alone or anything of the sort - but because I'm okay with being single and being in a relationship just seems to be...well...________(insert proper description here).
If I was ever meant to spend the rest of life with someone, it would be Steve. He's truly the prince charming I've always wanted. But...there are downsides too and I just can't deal with those. For example, he doesn't trust me...at all!!! I've never been more in love, loyal or happy with someone and yet at every turn I'm being asked "where were you at lunch?," "who texted you?" and all those lovely controlling questions that get you no where but isolated - and that's exactly what I feel with him now. I don't feel like I'm in a relationship - I feel like I'm in a battle. I'm battling for him to see me for me, accept what I'm telling him and trust me. As we all know...I don't battle well and thus...I'm destined to be single.

Ghost of Boyfriends Past

Have you ever been cheated on? For the last seven years I believed whole heartedly that I had been. When it had first happened, I was devistated and felt like the world had ended. Eventually, Fernando and I agreed that we could move past it. The thing was, I couldn't. I continued to internally hate him for what I thought he had done to me. I ruined us slowly, as a way of hating him and as a way of hating myself for what had happened.
Back to modern day. My boyfriend was texting his ex and when I asked about it...he lied. Why? Why do you think? The situation screams cheater. But...the issue isn't him. The issue is me and that fact that I absolutely can't deal with lying.
I have worked very hard on my overall health and feeling healthy from the inside out. Although I've always know that the Fernando situation had taken a very big toll on my ability to trust whole-hearted. I thought I was making great steps towards building a relationships that was honest, strong and healthy. After this little incident I realized that I have a lot of personal healing left to do. A little lie (as I keep telling myself it was...and it may very well have been), has brought up some very tough and old scars that although I don't want to deal with...I know that I am finally at a point in my life that I am ready to deal with them.
Oh, and I did I mention that Fernando never actually cheated on me.

Gastroparesis and Welchol

I started taking Welchol for elevated cholesterol and I've surprised to say that it's actually relieved some of the symptoms I've suffered from the gastroparesis. Thus far, I'm not as nauseous and my bowels are actually working like a normal persons. Although it's not prescribed for gastroparesis - I'm thinking maybe some studies should be done. It's been great!

Un-Cheated

I got un-cheated today...complicated and yet not. I received my final pay check from my old employer and they actually didn't cheat me!!! I'm shocked!!! Thus, for this single time. I have been un-cheated.

On another note, Stacey came over today cause she was in the neighborhood and we have a great little girl chat. I forgot how much I enjoy just spending time with my gal pals and gossiping about random bull.

Is there something about me that sends out streaming lights that flash "My boyfriend hates me" when Steve and I are fighting? The only reason I ask is because every time Steve starts pushing me away, boy start coming a knocking...perhaps it's pheromones? The pheromones that make my boyfriend hate me are the same ones that make other guys like me?

The Monthly Dumping

Dumped again...one month and three days to the date of the last one.
Do you ever wish that someone could literally see and feel things from your perspective? I've been through various things and I don't think I've ever really wanted that. Right now - I do. My boyfriend is mad at me for something I didn't do. If I could just pull up deleted texts I could prove it. If I could just cave and call Beth I would...and yet...I feel like it wouldn't matter. He's made up his mind and he needs to do his monthly thing. I just wish he could see things from my eyes, I wish he could feel my love for him, my pain when he does this each time and the way that I feel in the middle of the month when I'm just waiting for this to happen again and again. I keep giving my heart and waiting to be hurt...yet each time he breaks it, I have to wonder if it grows a little smaller.
As I do, I called Brian to see what he thinks I should do. Of course his first response when I said that my boyfriend was upset because he thought I texted Brandon was "How com I'm ok but not the other?" So Brian! Then he said "Of course he's throwing a fit. Guys do that when it comes to exes." When I asked if I should just cave and call Beth, he said that I need to really think about it. Yes it's not a good thing to cave but..."As a friend I'm saying you can be very difficult." Lol! I know that and Brian's brutal honesty with me is always very refreshing. He tells it like it is. I need that sometimes. Although the only that Brian really made me aware of was the fact that I'm being to idealistic if I really expect my boyfriend to trust me. Apparently, guys just don't do that.
The worst part is that I completely trust Steve. He could go out to dinner with an ex and so long as he told me what was up and came home to me afterwards I could deal with it. I don't think I've ever felt this type of trust before but this is the first relationship I've been in since my diagnosis and since I've started really working at being health and only being in healthy relationships. Is it true that they say only cheaters get worried that you're cheating?? I sure hope not because I'm putting my 100% into believing that Steve is faithful and I refuse to let that be shaken unless he says so out of his own mouth.

Filled with Memories and Emotions

It's 7:30pm and my bags are finally packed for Monterey. I'm sitting here at my computer in pjs with flip flops and wet hair crying. Crying a lot these days I suppose. I'm crying for a lot of reasons too. I'm crying because I want this trip to rekindle what I once had with my boyfriend - who at this moment isn't even sure he wants to go...but I'm crying more because this will probably be my last trip with my Grandma.
Every summer for as long as I can remember my grandparents would take me to the coast with them. We would spend the week sightseeing, eating out and watching the waves come in. Last year in Monterey we got the news that Grandma had cancer and we called our trip short. This year we're returning and going to make the most of it...yet it's harder this time because the cancer is so much more real. Grandma doesn't have hair anymore and although her spirits are high, she tires easily...I'm scared...very scared right now about making this trip the most I can.

Fairytale

I met the love of my life once...and he was tall and handsome. He flew in on his poly bag and swept me off my feet. And we lived happily ever after.

Or I could be realistic and say that I met the love of my life once and it turned out he was really the ugly witch in disguise. As you know, I've been dating and it's been intense and amazing. But for the last week or so, that amazing-ness went away. He became cold and edgy. Although his body was physically there and I felt safe and happy in his arms, the passionate love that I once felt wasn't from his body - it was from his mind and his heart. So although I fought to think that I had what I wanted for the last week...I finally came to decide today that things weren't going to change and that the body snatchers had actually snatched the body of my beloved. It's ironic the intense sci-fi episode that occurred but I'm sure I'm not the only girl who's worn these shoes.

To be more plan - the guy I fell for quit listening and communicating effectively. He shut off his heart and his mind. My guy, that guy who made me feel warm and fuzzy, would appear in short waves each day to remind me of all I want and deserve and yet...ever night, the monster would come out again and I'd find myself with him physically but so emotionally alone. It just happened that today I cracked, I wanted a hug, I wanted to tell my day and hear his, I wanted to share all the moments we missed out on with each other...but I once again - found myself alone and I cracked.

Yes, I'm one step closer to happily ever after, but it sure hurts to know that in some shape and form I had the love of my life...even if only for a few days.

Lindy's Landing

Spent the weekend on a road trip. Went to Lindy's Landing on the Kings River last night. I'm a bit hungover from the experience. It was a good time. Staci and I met up with some strangers and sat around a campfire til way past my bed time. All the while, my boyfriend was hanging out with his ex. It wouldn't be a big deal but he has a way of saying things and doing things that hurt far more than they should. Originally last night he said he had told her that if she wanted to talk they could do it over the phone. Then about a half hour later he tells me he's meeting up with her. It's like he makes me feel so happy and proud to be with him and then he does a total 180 and leaves me feeling completely sunk.

I feel so stuck with him. Not stuck like I don't wanna be with him, but stuck like I can't feel things correctly with him, like he won't let me. Every time I start to think that this is it...the last guy I'll ever date and the guy I'll get my happily ever after with - he throws me under the train tracks. I wish I could say that it doesn't hurt, but it does. We've been together for just over three months and he's dumped me three times. How is it that I'm able to feel anything for someone who has no regard for me and can walk in and out of my life so easily? It's so frustrating because I want to be with him so badly and yet I'm not happy committing to someone who can't keep their feet on the ground. I need a rock, I need someone who loves me and is so firm in their feelings that no matter what I do or say they continue to feel that way. I don't need someone who doesn't tell me that they love me simply because I haven't said it to them. I need someone who knows their own feelings regardless of mine and is strong enough to stand by them.

I know that I get a little closer to that wonderful carriage ride into the sunset ever time I find someone new but...what happens when you want it but the other person can't give you that?

Moving Forward

Steve and I are good - growing a lot individually and together.
Grandma started chemo again and although her first week was rough, this week went well. Tonight during a telephone conversation Grandma commented on Farrah Faucett's death. Farrah had cancer and Grandma said "I'm glad [she's gone]. She's in a better place and she suffered for so long." I needed to hear that! I needed to know that she's ok with whatever lies ahead, that cancer doesn't have to be about surviving but about trying to live the best quality of life you can for as long as you can.

Accessing the Self

We're dating again but he's still very insecure and we fight a lot over that. I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a relationship. I'm not sure if I'm ready to commit to this unknown thing. Especially when the unknown seems to be so scared.

Understanding My Needs

I'm finally figuring out what I want in a relationship. I want an equal, good listening, kind hearted, caring, affectionate, understanding man.
Someone who will not push me but who will meet me at the line when I push.
He dumped me today. It seemed like every weekend he'd pull back from me and pick a fight. He realized that he couldn't guarantee that it would get better and...I'm finally ok with holding firm on my needs.

Unexpected and Unwanted

*(&! (*&! (*&! He's so wonderful. We went out last night and I drank WAY too much, ended up puking in the street. He stayed with me all night and even wanted to kiss me in the morning. SO I'm just getting into bed and who texts me? ---Brandon! My life is @&#(ed up! Brandon is being replaced and that's scary for me.

Adjusting to Reality

I realized that I needed to suck it up. I shouldn't be with my guy every minute, it's not normal. So, I told him today how I felt - how when I don't see him often I get frustrated. He was extremely receptive. It sure was nice to finally have someone I'm with acknowledge my feelings! I'm scared, am I really ready to try this again?

Enough

I'm dating someone new. He gives me a billion compliments and I like that. We've only been dating for less than a week but I feel like it's not enough. Is it taht I don't think he's enough or that I just want to rush trhough this phase into one that's more fulfulling? I'm getting frustrated because I can't figure it out - and of course when I'm upset I take it out on the dude. I'm sure he'll run soon - no one is ever strong enough to help me figure this out.

Returning to the Scene of the Crime

Call it what you will but, I'm dating someone. We talked and we both agreed that we wanna give it a try. BARF! Talk about nervous. I don't do this well. I don't date. We all know what happened the last time I dated someone. Although in the long run I'm very happy that I ended up where I did - the short term was something I'm not able to handle again. Dating isn't my thing and this can only end badly but I suppose I'm returning to the scene of the crime for another look.

Contemplations From the Other Side

I'm going to start dating again - maybe - someday! :) Ha!
Anyway, when I do, I'm going to start taking notes. The metaphor was used recently that for normal people, dating is the process of writing a report. Unforunately for me, dating has been an experiment and I haven't even bothered to take lab notes. Ha! Moving forward I'm going to at least try to take lab notes.

Male Counterpart

I have met a man who is extremely like me. It's strange how I feel like I'm looking at a mirror. He does things in his life that remind me of me...two years ago. I've changed and don't really roll like that anymore but overall - it's rather entertaining to watch someone just like me.

Many Levels of Growth

I had a great day! I learned some really amazing stuff about good manangement and leadership today. I had the priviledge of getting to work with Lee Scott of Unleashing Leaders. Everything he said seemed to new to me and yet it all hit the nail on the head. Amazing!

On a different note, I made a good stride in my personal life...I've been playing around with this guy and today I realized - hey..."he's just not that into me" and I've decided that I should probably ditch that and go find someone who actually gives a rat. WOW! I've never been able to do that, I've never been that girl, and yet - I am that girl, I am doing it and it feels like something I should have done a long time ago.

Artificial Turf

Life has been busy and yet stable to some degree. My job is going great - most days I love it. I'm having a bit of a problem with one person at work but I'm going to do my best to make it work. My dating life is entertaining, not to the degree that it use to be, but I suppose everything in life is talking a calm right now. I need it!

St. Patty's weekend was great! Shannon came to visit and we spent a bit of time at the pub crawl. Unfortunately, I had partied WAY too hard the night before and was pretty toasted pretty quickly and we didn't stay out as late as we probably should have.

Guess it goes with the territory.

FAST Forward

I need more time! I'm working full-time, attending school three nights a week and unfortunately...my part-time fun job is now starting to feel like work. I was planning to just kick back this weekend and get some good solid sleep, instead I've had to work out at the climbing course both days. No weekend at all! I need to find a way to slow things back down.

Good Books, Good Times

I've read some really awesome books lately. Today I got the chance to sit by the fire (the first fire I've had in my new house) and read. It felt rustic sitting around with the rain outside. I certainly don't feel like sitting still long enough lately to do this very often so it's all the more meaningful when I get to.

Picking Up Speed

Life is picking up speed again, but I'm trying very hard to keep things in control. My job is good, I'm very busy and there are days when the stress feels like it's overwhelming, but I'm learning to take things in stride and work with what I'm given. I can't wait until Stacey starts working with me, then after a long stressful day I can drag her out to Morrison's for a drink! Thank goodness for awesome girlfriends!
Today was my parents 30th anniversary. Isn't that amazing! I don't expect to ever celebrate such a thing, but I'm super proud of them and I'm certainly glad that I've been raised in such a stable and loving environment.

Another Rant

When you go to work in the winter do you have to walk through ankle deep water? No? Then why should I?
If you were to find a stranger on the stress and ask them to walk through ankle deep water, would they? No? What if you paid them? Then why should I walk through ankle deep water for free? You make more money than me, you should be the one to courteously step in those puddles every day. Besides, afterall...aren't you the one who can better afford new shoes when your old ones get holes from being muddy and dirty? Aren't you the one who can afford to take a sick day when you have to go to the doctor as you suffer from trench foot?
Did my resume list me as a puddle jumper? I don't recall, if so, I need to update that. I have no long jumping experience and apologize for misleading you if I mentioned I did. I have played hopscotch and jumped rope, but I was 10 years younger and 70 pounds lighter.

Perhaps we should discuss paving the employee parking lot?

Moving Too Fast

I'm moving too fast...again. I'm working full time, attending school in two different cities - of which, neither I live in and I'm not taking time for myself. This weekend, I thought I'd enjoy going to WROLC 2009 (Western Regional Outdoor Leadership C0nference) as my weekend adventures. Although it was fun and I found out a ton of new stuff, I really should have taken the time to stay at home and just relax.
I need to take a step back and remember the little things that are so much more meaningful when you actually create the time to see them.

Bummer

Well, I lost my best friend today, although it has been a long time coming. Brian has been a great friend to me. He's always been a listening ear, he's always been very smart and filled with wonderful insight...yet...he never saw me and I struggled with this for a long time. When we dated I complained about this to Alena and we had long chats about what I could do differently. When we started being friends, I just figured...oh well...I've tried as hard as I can and there's no point in throwing more effort into it. Brian insists that I only see the bad in people. He thinks that I'm full of negative energy. Yet I was the only friend of his who bothered to contact him on his birthday - even though he didn't do the same for me. Negative? Ha! I have to laugh at that of course. I have to stop and think of Cinnamon and how she's told me time and again how people see in others the things they don't like in themselves. It would have bothered me that he said this but being that no one else in my life has ever said this...and when I mentioned it to a few friends and family members they laughed...I have to take it like a grain of salt.
My mother and I recently talked about Brian (last week) and how he probably wasn't going to be in my life much longer. It's been time (whether I wanted it to be or not) that Brian got out of his comfort zone and stopped spending time with me. I would always keep the door open for Brian as he's been my best friend, but at my mother and I chatted and...it was time that Brian found new friends, hobbies and grand ventures. I will say that in his finding these new ventures - I am so proud of him! He started taking classes at a local college, he told me he didn't want to hang out with me but rather some other friends, and he started doing...things. Things he could share and talk about with me that didn't actually have to involve me. Things that weren't work related or work centered. In this he became a real friend to me, he stopped being clingy Brian who would have his feelings hurt when I had other plans and couldn't hang out with him, and he started being Brian again - the guy I first met.

I've lost friends before and I always say that friends come and go, that's the way the world works. They come into your life to show you something and they leave when that's completed. To this I would like to add that Brian has taught me a lot. He changed my life. Without him I never would have started my dog rescue which became something so much bigger and better than I ever could have expected. I never would have saved so many lives. I never would have moved into a little ghetto apartment and then into a real home. I never would have had a wake up call that made me get out into the world and start experiencing things - like climbing, yoga, rafting, snowboarding...if it wasn't for him. I'd probably still be living in my little apartment on Watt with my dog, watching TV alone at night after cooking exotic meals and working crazy hours. Perhaps the most important thing that Brian taught me was that the towels don't have to be perfect, this has become a metaphor for my life and so much more.

It's sad to lose a friend, especially a best friend, but because of Brian, I am taking something away from this friendship that I have never had before. For that, I am supremely grateful.

Somewhat Expected Drama

My brother has never had his life in good shape but sometimes he makes really stupid decision that just continue to drag him further down.
Consider this - my brother has been fired from at least three jobs, including a position at Wal-Mart. My brother has been evicted from two apartments. My brother had four unexpected children with his wife.
When Kevin and his wife split up about a year ago, things started to spin in some strange directions. First, Kevin lost his apartment because it was a one bedroom and five people (himself and his four kids) couldn't live there. So he moved in with my Grandma. She kindly allowed him to live in her house with his small mob of children, rent free and she provided free babysitting. My Grandmother didn't like the way that his new girlfriend treated the kids like her own so she asked that she not come over any more...needless to say, the drama started.
The new girlfriend then began to harass my mother via email. My mom stayed polite and figured it would pass...it didn't.
Well yesterday the new girlfriend yelled at my Grandma via telephone so my Grandma finally had enough and told my brother he was no long welcome to live at her house, his kids were welcome to stay - but he was not.
My mother is having a hard time as a result. She believes that the new girlfriend is trying to alienate my brother from the family that she she will no longer get to see the kids. She's terribly upset over the whole thing. I spent yesterday with her, letting her cry and tell me how she was feeling. It was hard to listen to but at the same time, my brother has to grow up.
My mother has said that she too is no longer going to give to my brother. This means that she is not going to pay his car payment, his car insurance and she is no longer going to take his kids to and from school. Kevin and his new girlfriend are going to have to figure it out on their own. She wants them to understand everything that people around them are doing for them out of the goodness of their hearts. Kevin seems to think that the stuff they are doing for him are things that he is entitled to. My mom is worried about the kids of course, as am I. Skyler loves her more than anyone in his life. He's made that clear. She's been the only stable person he has and she's provided him with so much...yet...in order to hopefully help my brother long term, she must step back and deal with the pain for...what I hope will only be a little while.

Energy

Once again I will stress the power of the energy you put into the world. I have been sitting next to an individual at work for nearly a month now and every day this individual is upset and frustrated at something. Her energy radiates over to my desk on a constant basis. She may not realize it but the negative energy she puts off makes me angry in return. I get frustrated with her easily and don't feel like pursuing communication with her. This only reminds me more and more of the fact that I need to be constantly aware of my own energy.

WTF am I thinking!

I can't get Brandon out of my head today. I keep thinking of him and just can't shake it! What is wrong with me. He's terrible for me! Horrible! And yet, it's strange how much I miss him when he's not around. He's definitely kryptonite.
I had made the decision some time ago that I wasn't going to play his game any more but it just isn't working. Sure I deleted his number and haven't talked to him since but every day that goes by, the gravitational pull gets just a little stronger. Am I in love? I mean, I know I am in a way, but it is the right way or the way that only hurts you?
I was so excited when I figured out how much I truly cared for him and couldn't wait to express it...but I never got the chance because he shot me down - hard and fast. Do I move on or do I keep attempting, and if I keep attempting...for how long?

The Hearing

I had my EDD hearing today. I was so scared. I took a Klonopin before going because I though I might loooooose my mind. I did great, I'm so proud! I didn't cry and I didn't throw up. I kept my cool and made my case clear.
When I got there I though I was gonna melt. Strangely, a complete stranger caught my eye. I sat down next to her and told her how scared I was. She helped me so much. I wish I knew who she was so I could thank her. She made a huge difference on my day. It's amazing how someone you don't know can enter your life for only a few brief seconds and change the entire course of your day.

Pray For Me

Start praying now, please. Tomorrow I have my hearing at the EDD department with April. I'm terrified. I can't imagine standing in a room with her again. It's strange but I feel scared of her, scared...how is that possible as an adult to be scared of another individual?
I'm praying that good will concur. I know that my heart is good and hers is not so all I have to do is pray. Please please pray for me. Pray that I'll have strength enough to stand there tall and strong without crying. Pray that the outcome will be good. Pray!