Great Company

I had some great company tonight. I made dinner and he came over. When the movie got bad, we sat and laughed and contimplated the good. He didn't jump up and try to fix it, I gave up...I think that you're description of the movie as "the five hour film" was genius. I'm going to have to remember that because I'm sure that it's not the last bad movie I'll encounter.

I have so much homework this weekend. I have one essay for each class due this week. That means that I'm going to be a little writing fiend! Brandon is also moving this weekend. I'm going to ask if he needs help, I recall the first move we made together. He was leaving Elk Grove for Sacramento and I had the great priviledge of being a passenger. I did no manual labor, all I had to do was sit in the car with my smile and make great company.

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Kick ass movie of the month: Across the Universe
WATCH IT!!!!!

External Unconcious

"Human subjectivity or what we call existence involves this constant process of projecting oneself out on to the world and into the future.[1]"


Nella Larsen’s Quicksand is a prime example of many psychoanalytical ideas including the theories of Sigmund Freud, Martin Heidegger and Claude Levi-Strauss. The phenomenological theory created by Jacques Lacan, in which he establishes the idea that identity is created through ex-sistence (emphasis on the ex, meaning outward, as opposed to interiority) and projection of oneself into the world, is used as a focus point thought the novel and can come to be seen as the best way to view the actions and reactions associated with Helga’s behavior and unconscious.
Helga is often shown the reader through the visions of others and rarely do we hear how she feels about herself. Helga has learned to identify herself in relationship to the world around her. When speaking about Naxos, the school where she works, Helga says “I think there’s less evils here than in most places, but because we’re trying to do such a big thing, to aim so high, the ugly things show more, they irk some of us more” (20). Here Helga has described the situation at Naxos as one that can not be understood independently. Her view of Naxos has come to be seen through a spiral. By this, it can be said that Helga views Naxos and the people there in relationship to the people outside of Naxos. Only through her viewing Naxos from the outside world can Helga come to draw such a conclusion and view human subjectivity.
In a reversion of roles, Helga is viewed as a subject as well. Upon visiting Denmark, Helga’s Aunt Katrina tells her “you, you’re young. And you’re a foreigner, and different. You must have bright things to set off the color of your lovely brown skin…You must make an impression” (68). Immediately, Katrina is setting Helga up to be a subject within the Denmark social circle. By establishing Helga as a human subject, she quickly comes to see her ex-sistence through the lens of others. When thinking about her own role as subject, Helga says that she “felt like nothing so much as some new and strange species of dog being proudly exhibited” (70). This firmly supports Lacan’s idea that in order to be, one must be seen or noticed by another. This relationship in turn affects both individuals on a subconscious level. Helga does not realize the direct influence that being paraded has on her; however, the feelings of strangeness and anxiety over the situation presented, shows Helga’s unconscious at work.
Whether it be through the works of Sigmund Freud or Jacque Lacan, it is clear that Nella Larsen has several layers of meaning behind each and every character within Quicksand. This representation of characters is much like real life and ultimately we can conclude that through simply purchasing and reading this novel, we have experienced ex-sistence.


[1] Homer, Sean. Jacques Lacan. New York: Routledge, 2005.

Is She Running?

The question has been raised that perhaps I am running. A friend has suggested that Maine is my escape from here, from this place with feelings and emotions I hate. With thoughts about people who have been less than true and pure. I would like to address this in depth.

I am actually, shockingly, and with pride...not running! Yes, I am in love. I am madly, madly, madly, truly, madly, deeply in love. Some of you know just how crazy positive my energy has been lately - it's been contagious. In a way I'm sorry for that, I know that I hate it when others emotions are contagious, but this one I can't help and it's certainly spreading. I've come to accept that I'm in love and that's okay, even if I can't be with that person 50% of the time or 100% of the time. I am able to love and I can love from anywhere. I think that through accepting my own emotions I am actually working on releasing something that needs to be released...a feeling I've been fighting with all my might for months and months...finally I have caved into myself.

Alena asked who I'm in love with...I just laughed. I'm in love with life!! I've found this whole new place inside myself that is so happy and full. I am so filled with love of life that I'm not running to Maine to escape someone, I'm running to Maine to share my love with anyone and everyone. I have so much to offer right now and all I can do is accept that with open arms.

The Reason I Said No

I dated a guy who liked to climb and at the time I said no...not interested. I said no because I knew that there are certain things when done by a gal with nails...hurts. There have been a few things in my life that have taught me to be careful with my nails. Like wake boarding and bowling - both which suck when done with nails.

Well, today I realized that my latest hobby of climbing isn't just a temporary thing and I caved. I decided that my enjoyment will take the front seat and my vanity the second. That's right...I am now...nail-less.

For some of you, this may be a HUGE shock. I never thought I'd do it. I've had nails for over five years now. This means that I will now have $100 more a month and I will also have 2 hours more free time each month. It should be exciting, but for the time being...it's sad. I'm sure I'll get use to it and for the adrenaline it will certainly be worth it.

You have to love LEROY!

Don't you just LOOOVEEEEE him?

The Queen of Change

I am the Queen of Change. It seems that I get in these moods and want to change things in my life - in spurts. Well, today my plans were finalized. I move to Maine and start my new job on May 1st.
I'm looking for a place, I'm looking for a friend, I'm looking...for...myself. That's okay. I'm excited to be a part of this great venture and I know that working for a non-profit will be very rewarding to me.
I need to think about what to do with all my stuff as I'm probably only going to be living on the east coast for a short while. I'm going to need to purchase my plan ticket soon and I need to get Chewy's ticket. I checked into the airline I'd like to use and he can go in the cabin with me so that makes me feel better - I'd hate to have to check him as luggage...I'm not sure I could do that.
My mother wants me to get my passport also. She's convinced that since I'll be in Maine, I might as well as go check out Canada.
I need to speak with my teachers about finishing the semester remotely...I already know that won't be a problem.
Wow - deep breath. If I don't focus on the now and the immediate, I can certainly get overwhelmed by the future.

Molly the Foster

I have a foster dog, her name is Molly. She's a 4 year old Pomeranian. Her owner suffered from dementia and was trying to get the vet to euthanize her. The vet said no so...here she is.

She's about 14 pounds but of that...it's all FAT! No joke, when I pet her back it's like stroking rolls. Molly is going to learn really quick how to walk on a leash and exercise!! Her owner had her on a pork & beans diet - literally. She's really going to hate the horrible dry dog food that I start feeding her.
Anyway, she's a total spaz and definitely doesn't want to be at my house. She keeps pacing around the place, she's foaming at the mouth, pawing at the front door, she wants away! My rotten little boys must be saying naughty things to her. They keep playing with each other in front of her and seem to want nothing to do with poor Ms. Molly.

Damn Little Girls

I'm feeling bitter, bitter towards those damn adorable little girls that stand around town in their cute little green uniforms and smile at you. Yes, I'm angry at Girl Scouts!! I bought 1 box of the new cinnamon cookies and now I'm more than addicted. They are absolutely divine. My box is almost empty and all I can think about is finding a troop of girls that I can get more from. I swear they laced these cookies with cocaine.

It's Coming!!!

So, here's the deal with that big change I was talking about...

I'm being offered a really cool opportunity. I'm being offered the chance to spend the summer in Maine, on the beach, teaching adults to read. The program is focused on increasing adult literacy and it's through a non-profit group. It sounds like such a great fit for me. Look at some of these places I'm considering...

I forsee Chewy and me hanging out on the water during the day and reading on the porch late into the night. I suppose my last break up really gave me wings. It taught me that I have to live life in my own fashion if I'm to be happy. If I give in to some thing that isn't 110% me, then it means I'm hurting myself. One thing that I really didn't realize at the time was that I was so jealous of him, so flippin' jealous! He had a freedom of self that I am just now getting to. I'm excited to be at this place and can say that I'm not jealous of him now. Because, I realize that the only thing holding me back, was myself.

___________

Crush boy was adorable today! We sat around talking for a while and shared a piece of gum. Instead of thinking like I use to and worrying about if he was someone I would marry or someone I would want to have kids with...I'm actually considering trying him out and just seeing what happens!!! WOW! A whole new concept...who would have thought that I could take any relationship one day at a time. Although I am leaving the state in a matter of days...weeks...a month...hahaha...so I suppose this is really the best path. I'm feeling blessed!

This is direct to YOU!!!

This entry is 100% for you. YOU YOU YOU. YOU know who you are and if you question it - ask me!

First off - you've been on my brain all day and I just don't have the balls to call and tell you this so a blog entry is the best I can do.
You do mean more to me than "that" and to say that you mean more to me than that at one time would be totally incorrect because you mean more to me than "that" now! You are so incredibly valuable to me. I'm entirely sure how you could have gotten any other impression, but it doesn't matter because it's the wrong one!
You matter to me! You are perhaps the only stable person in my life right now. You are my rock! I hope to keep you as a life long friend, I just imagined that you'd always be a part of my life and I never really questioned your permanency. I don't intend to do that now either.

If you were hurt because I left out a lot of the stuff we do together, don't be! I left it out because it doesn't need to be examined and reviewed - the stuff we do together is sacred.

You asked me today, "why don't I get to do the fun stuff with you?" I've thought about this because it wasn't something I realized at all...I guess, the answer is because with these other people, I normally just jump on the band wagon. If you come up with something you wanna do and you want me to go, I'll be there! I'm just not normally the one to think up the fun stuff. I'll try, if it's a way for me to show you I care, I'll try. I do care. You are my best friend and if I've hurt you I'm terribly terribly sorry! You have no clue just how much.

Wally

(I couldn't sleep, so...I thought I'd write)

Wally will be going home soon and I'm heart broken about it. He brings this unique and powerful energy to my house. It just won't be the same place to come home to without him in it. I keep thinking that when the time comes, I'll just get another dog...but I'm not sure that's going to be solution. I know that letting him go to live with Beaver is the best choice. Wally will be the happiest with him...it just sucks for me.

Tonight he curled up on my legs and was trying to get comfortable. I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his little brain. What does he think about when he sleeps? What does he think about when he is burrowing into my covers? Does he dream of treats? A warm and loving home where he's safe?

For people who aren't animal lovers, I'm sure that it's hard to understand, but this little dog has changed my life in ways I never knew or expected. He's been such a joy and a comfort. I love him and I hope that dogs are capable of feeling these emotions because he deserves to know just how important he is.

Long Gone

I cut off 6 inches of hair today...for locks for love. Yippee! I've got this totally new do and it's sassy!

I also spent part of the day looking at homes in Maine. I'm thinking that something on the beach would be nice...although I'm still fairly flexible. My mother thinks that a bungalow is my style. Go figure! I'm excited about the changes that are coming in my life and I'm scared...yet I'm ready! More details will emerge as things are set in motion, yet - for now...just go with the flow...

Oh, did I mention that Beaver's bid on a house went through and he's going to move into it in about a month. I'm excited for him! He's a great friend and I hope that things work out well for him.

I went to the dentist today and her name was Dr. House! Go figure!!! I thought that was the funniest thing I've heard in a while. My teeth are a bit sore, she did this horrible thing with a tool called the Cavitron...don't ever let them play with that when you're in the room. RUN!

Josh wants to do dinner in Napa on Wednesday. I want to but I also know that my priorities need to be a different place right now. I hate to turn him down as it's been too long...yet, I know that I need to focus on things here, at least for a while!

The Cosmos

I feel like fate interacts with my life on a continuing basis. Right now I feel like it's pushing me in a direction that I've been firmly fighting against for a few months. Am I suppose to give in? It's sending me clear cut signs and signals that I should going in this direction...
It is also pushing me away from a different direction. Ha! Josh and I haven't physically seen each other in over a year. Well, he's going to be in the area this week and asked that I meet him for dinner on Tuesday. Unfortunately, I absolutely can't since I have class that night and I skipped last week. It's as if the universe doesn't want me to.
The question still remains, at what point do I give in to the direction that the universe is pushing me? Is it pushing you too? Is it pushing us together or apart?

From A - F

A - Ambulance.
There is an ambulance that parks outside my house and waits for their calls - it's rather aggrevating to me...of course...hahaha. Anyway, they didn't show up tonight and I can't help but think of them - what are they up to?

B - Beaver.
I never really realized just how much he really liked me. No details desired...

C - Chili.
I had chili for dinner and my belly is a giant, round, ouch!

D - Destiny.
The wind is blowing me in a direction right now that I'm not sure about, but I'm gonna let it carry me and see where I might land.

E - Endless.
Things feel so endless right now - everything and every moment is so full it is hard to take it all in. I'm lucky to have so much and I'm working on finding the best ways to share that with those in my life.

F - Family
My family is unique and AMAZING! I am so blessed. My cousin is sick and I'm a little worried about her, but I know that she'll do what needs to be done for her own health and I know that all will work out as it should. I'm just so blessed!! I can barely say it enough, my family really adds a depth to my life that few people are lucky enough to experience.

Functioning

I told Alena that I'm in love and she wants to know with who...hahaha...

I'm getting to go to Yoga and I'm sooooo excited. I haven't been able to go in three days due to school and other committeements. It sure will feel good to move my body and stretch. My flexibility is incredible compared to what it was when I started this in January.

Brandon is sick, really sick. Poor guy! I'd volunteer to help him out with stuff but I'm in no shape to get sick now. Go figure!

My boss's father died so he'll be out of the office all week so that he can fly home and be with family. I'm not entirely sure what proper etique is for this type of thing but I'm thinking I'll send flowers from the office to the funeral home. I want his family to know that they're in our thoughts and prayers.

Grooving

I just got home from my ventures of yesterday and I'm tired, a little dehydrated and a little...something I'm not sure. It sure feels good to be at home. Chewy was super excited when we pulled into the drive way this morning - he's like me in that he likes home a ton too...hehehe...it was super cute. Anyway, I have to shower and get my butt going so that I can make it to lunch with my friend.

Did I mention that I love this weather?? I love curling up next to my fireplace with a good book. It is the most amazing feeling!

A Great Event

I got to work at a rabies clinic today. It was an overall good event. There were some really interesting conversations that took place and the others there were all very friendly. I felt like it was a wonderful way to spend a day!
"On Divorced Men" and I decided that we couldn't hike tomorrow since it's raining. We're gonna do lunch instead and plan our day hike for a few weekends out.

I've got more homework to complete than I could have imagined!! I can do it, but it sure is going to take more dedication than I currently have. I keep thinking that if I put it off and ignore it, it'll just go away!

Control

Cinnamon and I were talking about control. I worry sometimes that I try to control too much. But...she brought to my attention a whole new concept.

I had althought thought I had a pet peeve - when someone says - let's do dinner at 7pm and then changes the plans - it really really really upsets me. I just thought that it was a quirk. She think's that it's because I need a structured environment to be sane. When someone changes plans last minute it seems like disrespect, lying, and a few other dirty words. So, ultimately this method of control is not about trying to control people, I'm trying to control my environment and this is okay. Cinnamon came to the conclusion that I control my environment to keep my own sanity, I want to avoid getting mad or feeling hurt so I try not to put people in positions where I know they'll let me down...yet, when they do...it hurts in a rather extreme way.

Apparently, this "pet peeve" is one that is extremely common in individuals with OCD. I was shocked and rather relieved to hear this. I had always thought that I was just batty about this issue for no reason. Now I know that I'm not alone and I'm learning that the more I learn about these little quirks I have, how they make me feel, and how I can avoid them, the more I'm able to share that with those I love or care about and thus not lose someone because of something silly - like a misunderstanding.

More Theory

Some more of my wild and off the wall theories...

It is possible that the meaning of life is to try to experience the journey to knowledge (or knowing something - anything really) without including your own impressions. The journey to knowing what really exists outside of oneself.

G.E. Moore asked "Does beauty exist without human perception?" The question is - does it? I believe that nature is so beautiful and whole in and of itself that it does exist as such without our interpretation of it.

Trauma is processed when we are not in control. Trauma is processed in a part of our mind that we can never control and ultimately can not ever fully understand. This creates the idea of "that". It's like that. It's this big. It's like. The concept that the closer we come to knowing something, the more imaginary our description of that something to one another gets. (I think I have to stand in front of you and use my hands to explain this one accurately.)

"Re-fashioned(,) her memory of him, and there it stayed in the mind affecting one almost like a work of art." - Viriginia Woolf
This idea that our memories are art is incredible!! The ideas that we create and establish in our minds are magical in such a way because they are art that we can't ever show to any one else. This form of art is true and pure in the most sincere fashion.

Art is an attempt to take something out of the world. The key here is to take OUT OF the world. Art is a cookie cutter of the living. Therefore, art can only freeze something by destroying it. By interrupting the life that exists at that moment, we can create art, a something that is frozen in time, yet imperfect.

Brad said "We're going to die alone, apart, isolated and misunderstood. Ultimately this attempt to communicate is in vain." 2/21/08

Roll Call

Cameron's band is playing downtown tonight. I'm going, are you? It should be hot, wild and things may even get a little wet...ohhhh yeaaaaaahhhh.

Choppin' It Off

I've made a decision to chop off my hair - I'm tired of it...these are my two thoughts...of course the mullet is always an option... ha! Which one do you like more? 1 or 2?



Option 1: Option 2:

Something Big is Brewing

Some of you may have gotten the emails by now and I'd like to start with a big "Thank you" for the work I know you'll put into your response. This is a rather big, terrifying move for me...and yet I don't think it has come as a surprise to any of my friends. My friends all know that I'm a bleeding heart.

I have to give! I hate to admit it but I feel entirely unfulfilled and empty if I'm not giving something of myself to someone or something else. This upcoming opportunity is important to me and I know it will help to shape me in ways I can't even begin to imagine. With each new venture in my life I am growing and learning and it is because of these ventures that I continue on this path.

I'm scared of course. I'm not one to seek out failure and really believe that if I put my heart and mind into something I can always come out ahead, but I also know that sometimes the battle isn't one you can win. I like to think that life isn't how Barnes' describes it when she says "he comes, he goes away, and everything goes on the same, except that people have something to talk about." I like to believe that although I may come and I may go away, I leave a piece of me in ever place I've been and every life I've encountered. I have an unimaginable number of pieces left to leave in the world and I'm excited to begin this venture. Again, thank you for all your help!

Don't Stand So Close to Me

I'm sure you've heard that great 80's song, "Don't Stand So Close to Me," I wanted to send a word out to you - you - you- you know who you are...stop standing so close!!! Hahaha!

Anyway, today was good, I feel this inner love. It's tingly and warm and it feels like I wanna cry about it - don't ask why...I'm not even sure.

I got a phone call today from Apollo. I haven't heard from him in far too long. We chatted a bit about life and love. Apollo's been a good friend of mine for about five years now and at the end of a good conversation he'll always tell me "see you in six months." I have a tendency to come in and out of friendships and Apollo knows that sometimes I just need some breathing room. He's the same way.
Our conversation was interesting, I've never talked with Apollo about love before because I have always been so convinced that it's not something I have ever felt. So we chatted about how live with this feeling and it was productive and good. I miss him! He lives in Utah and is one of my twp guy friends that isn't one of "those guy friends."

Do you miss someone? How do you deal with that?

I miss someone today. I miss someone, something I don't do too often but something that I'm learning can take a lot of depth to understand. I feel content and balanced but I feel the absence of this person today, I feel it strong within my guy, within my throat and within my heart.

Do you miss someone? Why don't you call them?

I'm sure you have your reasons, I have mine too...perhaps the cell phone or the telephone in general really wasn't that great of an invention.

A Fucking Genius

I can't recall if I've written before about Virginia Woolf, but let me say with a firm belief - she is a fucking genius!!

Woolf's To The Lighthouse is a required reading for all people seeking meaning and depth in their lives. She writes about truth and how although we experience something one way and look back at it in a different way, both ways are true. She also says that "people interpret one another in ways that reflect their own needs." This is so true! I've always wondered why and how people came to see me so incorrectly - this is how. People don't see you as you are, they see you as they want to.

Both of these ideas are fairly hard to understand; however, take some time and read the novel - it's amazing!

Another Doctor

In an attempt to move away from the traditional pill throwing doctors and achieve the health I want - I have switched docs. I had my first visit today with my new GP, her name is Julie. She seems very nice and I hope that this one can be a long termer. She gave me a thumbs up for my current health path, which felt good to finally hear. So many doc's hate holistic treatment but I've found so far that organic living has been the only really healthy thing for me.

I need to go to the Co-op tonight and stock up on groceries - my fridge looks like a bachelor's! Scary!! The only problem with organic living is that it really does require a lot more time. I have to go to special grocery stores, I have to read labels like no tomorrow, and I have to try harder at finding recipes that work just right for what's available. It's entirely worth it and I feel great about it - it's just something to consider if you're thinking about jumping in the water.

_________
As some of you know - I bought the ex a custom puzzle of his dog, Otto, for Christmas (yeah, that was a waste of money as it ended up in the trash when he bailed)...well, the company I bought it from is now stalking me! I swear they send me more invitations to purchase junk than any other company. I think I've gotten about five emails from them in two days! GO AWAY!

Living Alone

Living alone is good and bad. Here are some thoughts:

Good
I only have clean after myself;
I can write or read or whatever...whenever...without distraction;
I don't have to worry that Chewy's doing something bad to someone else's stuff;
The decorations are 100% mine;
No one keeps me up past bedtime, no one wakes me up too early.

Bad
When I cook, there are a TON of left overs;
I have no one to rub my back when I'm sick and just need some lovin';
I get lonely when it gets dark;
I have to go out to get a hug..yes, I've started liking hugs!!!

Oppression that leads to Expression

"He had then proceeded to throw suspicion upon the girl, saying that he had heard from Frau K. that she took no interest in anything but sexual matters, and that she used to read Mantegazza’s Physiology of Love and books of that sort in their house on the lake. It was most likely, he had added, that she had been over-excited by such reading and had merely ‘fancied’ the whole scene she had described."[1]

In Sexuality: the New Critical Idiom, Joseph Bristow presents the idea that sexuality is ever present in our lives and thus an element of our world which exists both in the conscious and the unconscious. Whether sexuality is an item of oppression or expression is debatable; however, Bristow’s understanding of sexuality as ever at hand in our daily lives and actions helps readers to understand the writings of Sigmund Freud who has been interpreted as saying “unconscious processes cannot be captured in the language of the conscious ones” (24).[2]
Bristow’s idea that “Sexuality…is the most powerful factor in individual and social existence” (27) is in part supported by the ideas of Weininger when he made the claim that there “is no friendship between men that has not an element of sexuality in it” (40). If this is true, then at least for the male, sexuality is present in every relationship the individual has; thus, making the individual entirely unable to escape sexuality. Since Freud has shown us that the unconscious is a portion of our brains which contains actions and thoughts that have been condensed and displaced and the individual is unable to escape sexuality in the every day, the unconscious must include ideas regarding sexuality which have been stored away for safe keeping and can be recalled through psychoanalysis.
Returning to Freud’s initial quote at the beginning of this essay, Dora is a prime example of the ways in which sexuality influences our conscious and unconscious. Although Dora was not aware of the impact while reading Physiology of Love, her unconscious was taking note of the sexuality within the text. This knowledge would be condensed and stored until her encounter with Herr K. which called upon her former thoughts from the text and brought about her false accusations.
The impact of the unconscious on every day living is extensive when psychoanalyzed; however, entirely unnoted by others. Through use of the case study, a better understanding of sexuality and its impact on the every day thought process can be determined. Bristow’s understanding of sexuality as ever at hand in our daily lives, when applied to the case studies of Sigmund Freud, can help readers to better understand sexuality as a form of oppression (unconscious) and expression (conscious).

[1] Freud, Sigmund. Dora An Analysis of a Case of Hysteria. New York: Touchstone, 1963.
[2] Cohen, Josh. How To Read Freud. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2005.

He Loves Me At My Craziest

I'm full of fleeting ideas and wonderous passions. I get a thought and I can't help but dive head first into it. I attack this issue as I'm diving head first into something new and those who know me best know that it's not all that shocking.

Over the past five years, I've lived in five places, I've had four jobs, I've also attended four colleges, started and stopped a rescue, changed my major and then changed it back again, made friends and lost friends, started relationships and ended them, purchased a car, a bed, a dog...and all the while I've been loved by someone who I never thought it possible.

He reminds me that I'm still working on my footing and maybe I'll always be - that's ok. He reminds me that I'm innately me. He loves me at my craziest.

Have you ever loved someone like that? Have you ever really given someone your all?

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I finally picked out a paint. I write this with tears in my eyes. I've been avoiding painting this one wall for a variety of reasons. Mind you I moved in here nearly two months ago and I've hung picture on the wall, but I simply refused the idea of painting it. My reasons? Number one: colors are emotions to me and I'm scared of those. Number two: painting my wall is a really big stance for me to take. It means that I'm really here and I'm here firmly.

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A theory of Jacobean men:
Guys are afraid of women who are "too passionate." If a woman is extremely into sex with their boyfriend/husband it scares the man. The idea is that if she is that sexual with him and he is unable to fulfill her, she will inevitably go elsewhere.

Just for the record, this theory is entirely inaccurate!! A woman is passionate for one man isn't necessarily going to be passionate for another - it's all about chemistry, love and connection!

The World Is Trying to Tell Me Something

I feel like the world (the cosmos) is trying to tell me something, I'm not sure what though, I'm trying to listen and it's hard because when I do...everything is screaming something different!

Today at school, we talked about "the other." This is an idea of Lacan's which describes the ideas of human love. We always think we want someone until we get them and then we find that they don't provide that fulfillment that we expected and we feel obligated to move on. However, the problem is that this imaginary fulfillment doesn't exist and we often find ourselves leaving those we should be with only to find that we've made an unchangeable mistake. Ever heard "It's too good to be true," well the theory is that if it seems that way, it's because it is too good to be true and therefore isn't true.

This idea is something I've been talking about and blogging about for a while now, strange how it was the entire topic of my course today. What does it all mean? Where does it all come from? Does any of it even matter?

Attempting to listen to my heart and my mind is harder than I ever thought it would be. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind something totally different. I'm living my life right now in the present and not the past or future because when I stop and think about either one...this is where I go...this ranting, this raving, this complete confusion.

And It's Not Even Because of A Guy

Ahhhh...I'm falling behind in school and it's not even because of a guy. Who would have thought it possible!! Last semester I fell behind because I fell head over heels for a guy and started skipping classes, staying out late and just not focusing on my priorities. I would guess that I did about 50% of the assignments and attended class only about 25% of the time.

But, this semester I have no one to blame but myself. Right now, I can be found sitting outside my classroom, writing a blog. Once the blog is finished I will attempt to create a paper for this class which is due...any minute really...if I had any motivation at all I'd stop this blog and do my dame work!!!

Inner Right-ness

He's so good to me. He's kind, he's giving, he knows how to receive, we uniformally click...but it's not right.

I firmly believe that loving someone is a choice we make. We decide if they are worthy and then we expect them as they are or we cast them off. We take those things that we know to be flaws in another person and we make the effort to ignore them. We make the decision to love.

I was told the other day, if all you can say is that he's fun to hang out with, then he's not good enough. It's true. If you're in a relationship with someone and all you can think of is that they are a body to fill an empty space, then it's not right. A relationship should have an inner right-ness. You should feel butterflies when you think of the person's face. Your heart should race when you imagine them calling. The idea of not having them in your life should hurt! If it doesn't, it's not right.

If you know someone who makes you feel this inner-rightness, don't let them go! Make the choice to love them!

Today someone told me that they really cared for someone and they dumped them because they couldn't change the person and the person didn't want to change. I wanted to strangle this individual. We don't have to change anyone, you need to be able to look within your self and understand that no one is perfect, if you care for someone, make the choice to care for all of them, not just certain parts. So you don't like it when they make you jealous, get over it! So you don't like when the expect something from you, get over it!! When you enter a relationship with someone you are committing to give a shit. You are saying "I want to learn your flaws and I want to learn to love them."

Cinnamon told me once that I was in a relationship that ended because the guy decided he couldn't be all that I deserved - he wasn't able to be that and he was doing me a favor by letting me go. I was ANGRY! Angry at myself and angry at him. I was furious and to some degree still get angry when I think about it. When I make the decision to be in a relationship with someone, I'm saying that I'm going to give you 110% and all I'm asking in return is that you give me your all - if that's 15%...fine! Cinnamon told me that this guy was giving his 110% but he couldn't keep it up and the disappointment of letting me down was too great.

I get it, in a relationship we can disappoint ourselves and we can disappoint others. I've done both and I expect that you have too. I expect you to disappoint. I expect to disappointment myself (and you at times). What is done with that disappointment is what makes all the difference. If you love me, you'll teach me, you'll take my flaws and you'll accept them but you'll also know that I want to please you and with your help we can find a common ground.

I'm going to choose to love you. You may not think you deserve it or can live up to that...but I'm going to because love isn't a feeling or an emotion, it's a choice!

Confession

First I want to express a confession - what's new? HA! In my last relationship I took great issue with a gal who had a crush on the guy I was seeing. I want to confess why I had such an issue there. I was hurt and angry about that situation because she knew more about him than I did and I HATED IT! I'd find out things about him through her (literally, situations where she'd tell me something about him and I'd be like - what? I didn't know that...mind you this girl he had met at the same time as me and so it really said to me that he wasn't being open with me) and that not only scared the shit out of me, but it made me think that maybe he didn't care for me as much as I thought...which turned out to be true. Anyway, I needed to get that off my chest. I had been playing it off to some friends like I was just jealous, that wasn't it. We all know that I'm fine with the guys I'm seeing hanging out with hot chicks, nice women...whatever - but when the guy you're seeing is being more open and sharing with someone else...that's when the issues start. It wasn't jeaslouy, I was hurt by the fact that I wasn't this guys best friend and that's what I wanted more than anything.

Visitors

I had visitors today, of the most important kind. My mom and dad came out today to see my new place and go out for lunch/dinner. It was so great to have them out. This was the second time they've come out together to see me in two years. It means a lot to me and I really appreciate it.

Have I mentioned that my mother is my best friend? I love her to bits. She's an amazing person and I'm so lucky. My dad is probably the smartest person I know, I'm blessed to be graced with him...them.

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I had a psych appointment today to make sure that me without medication is sane. It went well, we talked about what healthy moods are and what unhealthy moods are. I'm doing good and we're going to keep on trucking.

It's a Step with No Door

So tonight I did what I always do when alone or scared - I went and hung out with Brandon. He was house sitting for his sister...shortly after Brandon and I met five years ago, he moved into this house with his grandfather who was severely ill (old age). When his grandfather died a year and a half ago, his sister bought the house and moved in with her husband and two kids. Of course Brandon moved out at that time and I hadn't been in the house since. BUT WOW! His sister really did an amazing job at fixing up the place. The family knocked down walls, re-did the flooring, painted, and more. It looks stunning now, modern!

Anyway, Brandon and I hung out and it was nice. Mind you, when I was dating the Beaver and then the other Brian - I didn't see Brandon at all. I didn't want to make either one worry (although I'll admit telling the other Brian that I was still hanging out with Brandon. After some thought and debate, I decided that I did that because he got to hang out with girls who liked him and didn't care about my feelings so I felt that it would make me feel better to do the same - it didn't...but that's another story...). So, Brandon and I watched a few movies, I got to see Beau (the most adorable senior dog). We had a good time. There was a lot of quiet time where we were just sitting around and enjoying each others company. During these quiet moments I realized that there is a lot about him that I need to recognize and consider.

First - Brandon has been important in my life because he puts me in line. When I say something stupid or act in a way he doesn't like - he doesn't put up with it. He calls me on it and stands firm. He needs absolutely nothing from me and this is a comfort to me. I need this in my life every once in a while.

Second - It isn't that Brandon makes me feel great about myself, it's that I only spend time around him when I need a boost and am really working at making myself feel good. He just happens to be there.

Third - It took five years but I am comfortable around him. He may be one of the few guys who I'm attracted to and still able to be around without feeling scared, nervous, or afraid.

When I'm with him I don't feel like I have to work on anything. I don't have to cuddle if I don't want to and he isn't going to try to make me. I don't have to pretend to be interested in something if I'm not, he doesn't care. His self confidence is contagious and it feels good.

Mind you, while I'm hanging out with him my phone rang like no tomorrow...when I left his place, I had messages from Beaver, Mandy, Fernando and Mom. Glory!

Change

I have absolutely nothing that I have to do today. Is that the weirdest thing ever? I think it's been about two years since I've been able to say that.
I don't have a boyfriend to entertain, a friend to "play" with, a breakfast/lunch/dinner to attend, no dogs to rescue, no chores to do, no homework, no class, nothing required of me! WOW!
I'm actually a little stressed out by it. Go figure! It's almost as if I've forgotten how to entertain myself.
I went to Yoga this morning and got my ass kicked. BIG TIME! I don't remember ever sweating that much and enjoying it. Then I went and picked up a puzzle and some movies. Now...I can do anything...will I walk my dogs? Paint my nails? Pick my nose? I can do whatever I want. OH MY GOD that seems like a lot of pressure for me!
Deep breathing, deep breathing...
I'm going to try on my new bikini that I got for the ocean this summer. I'm excited about that. What else? No telling, no expectations, no wants, no desires...

The Sweetest Things

Some guys know the best lines...I really liked this one, it made me melt - "As long as it's talking with you, talking of the weather will do."

I'll admit that I've come up with a few lines, but that's okay. I used "You're my fantasy" once. What lines have you used or heard? What's your favorite?

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Converstaional moment of the day:
"What's going on here?"
"I don't know..."
"I feel like maybe you're into me but your just confused...'cause I could be into you if I thought maybe you were into me. You know? As long as you just say it."

It's Hammer Time

Went out with the girls tonight...they're still out partying, I decided to call it...don't ask why, it wasn't the funniest story ever.
We went out to eat and I ordered Mushroom/Chicken Fettecine. It arrived with a shrimp in it...one shrimp - no biggie but the waitress told the manager and he came over and personally apologized...it was comical in it's own right.

Then we hopped over to Benny's on Q. It was neat, we sat outside drinking it up and chatting. Here's the group gathered around one of the nice little heaters they have out back:

From left: Elyssa, Turalie, Pricilla, Paul, Nicole. In the front: Anna and ME

Pricilla drove all the way from San Francisco just to celebrate Turalie's birthday with us...isn't that sweet!!




Then we hit the club and it was hot and comical all the same. A few drinks in, Pricilla, Elyssa and I started taking photos in front of the fan...some are better than others...this one was only so-so...but funny none the less!

The bouncer tried to get me to have some drinks with him. Cute, but not my scene. I'm not a bar hopper and certainly not a club goer!!! I haven't been to a club in about a year...and that was with Alena and Akiko - which makes it something totally different. Anyway, because I'm trying to do something new and different at least once a week I thought this would be a good place to start. It was! It tested my comfort level in a variety of ways but I was still able to find my center and enjoy the time out.

Next week, me and "On Divorced Men" are going up to Feather Falls for a hike/climb. Not sure what to expect their but should be fun!

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On a different note, I had some thoughts today...first, I need to take up a volunteer position that I devote at least 2 hours a week to. As it is, I don't feel like I'm giving and I think that something that doesn't put a lot of pressure on me but still allows me to give would be great. Maybe cooking on the weekends at the homeless shelter...

Another thing, when I got home tonight, there was a tape on my porch...I think I'm being stalked. I haven't looked at it or put in the player...I just thought it odd that someone bothered to leave something on my steps. No note. No nothing...very odd!

I Think I'll Go Hide Under a Rock Now...thanks

Go ahead, ask how auditions went today. I dare you!!! I went in with a song I'd never done before and had only been in practice with for one week...and I completely fell flat on my face. I missed my fifth note and then got scared and nervous and totally forgot the entire second stanza...IDIOT!!!
They asked me to come to call backs and I'm thinking...no...it was almost a joke that they even asked. I know that I did bad, I know that they can't possibly want to see me do that again...I don't think I'll go to call backs. Instead, I'm gonna go crawl under the rock over there...
Besides, the only reason I can see even asking me to call backs is because they want to cast me in the show because they need people who are okay with the whole nudity thing. Sure I'll get naked on stage, but this go round...I think I want a cast and crew that hasn't seen me flop!

Seriously, if I had a video camera I would have to share it will everyone - it was the worst thing you could all imagine...hahaha...it was so bad that I can't help but laugh!

Don't Analyze This Dream

I had the most unheard of dream last night and I certainly don't want to know what would be concluded when you look at it for analysis purposes.

In my dream I was suppose to go to Lathrop to take an assessment test for school. Some how I forgot my car, so I needed to hop a bus. When the bus pulled up, it was baby blue with hippy stickers all over and...guess who the driver was....Pee Wee Herman!

WTF??

I'm not at all sure how he got into my dream!!! I haven't seen him in a movie lately (lately being since the 80's). Yet, there he was!!!

Falling

When you fall for someone there is something amazing happening...time slows or stops...you feel like you've been with them forever and they feel the same thing. When you're talking, no one else exists all you want is to look into their eyes. You don't check the time. You don't think about your myspace or email. You don't think of doing anything else but spending time with that one individual...it's bizarre and yet amazing...have you felt this?

Pre-Linguistic

*Pardon the generalities used when referring to women and men, I understand that they don't apply to all but it's easier to explain it in that fashion.

*Also pardon my deep philosophical ideas here, if you don't get it or have questions, ask me...

Concept 1: Language is a patriarichal creation. Words were created by men and therefore are good at expressing their (men's) ideas. However, because this is something created by a man, women are left out of this loop and are not always represented in words. For women, language is not essential if you can reach someone with your eyes. Sometimes, a pre-linguistic feeling can be powerful, adding a word to that feeling can cheapen it by putting it into a tidy little box with a label. For example, female telepathy. Sometimes, women can exchange thoughts with other women and sometimes men, without saying anything. It's something that comes from another realm and is beyond words. Being forced to say it out loud means that you don't have the connection with that other person you would like to have and therefore must say it in the only way that you are able to connect. There is power in the words we don't speak.

Concept 2: The philosopher, Ari Bergson discusses the idea of la duree (the duration) which I feel is extremely true and pertinant to understanding life in general. This is my theories of what he has to say and how I preceive them to interact with us every day.

Bergson's theory says that time is not a linear thing, you don't start at 8am and end at 8pm like a line. Rather, time is like a snowball and as you progress through it, you are constantly drawing on, learning from, and adding to the future by your present/past experiences. This idea creates the understanding that the same action doesn't always create the same reaction in you. How we handle the situation now and the exact same situation in two years may be different. This is because our impressions vary from moment to moment and we can never experience anything in the same fashion as we did just minutes before.

This theory means that the idea of emotional baggage is real. However, the efforts we make to get rid of emotional baggage are a war to never be won. We are always going to carry that with us and it will always play a role in our reality. We must learn to acknowledge that "It's over, but I'm carrying it with me."

The idea that we don't live in our physical reality at all times is essential to understanding Bergson's theory. Sometimes we live simply within our own mental realities and these are just as real as anything else. This mental reality can be called "it". Whatever "it" was and is, is our personal property and no degree of language will ever be able to accurately give that experience to someone else. "It" will always be yours in it's entirety.

The snowball effect creates no lines between the past, present and future and forces us to live all of them at once. Because of this, there is no next step and certainly no next step as we like to conceive it.

I Haunt

Let me start by saying that today was not painful and I have no terrible horror stories from it. I had a good evening. I just got home and I'm relaxing now.

On a slightly more in depth note, I got told by someone today that while he wasn't with me, I had been "haunting" him. I thought that was funny...apparently I haunt!

I have some interesting theories to chat about but I'm tired and need to hit the hay...I'll write about it all tomorrow...so much to share...excited...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

Theater

My auditions are on Saturday and I'm starting to get excited!!! My song is coming along great, I know that I'll nail the dancing portion of the try outs and...then...well...did I mention that there's nudity? Well, that's okay too because I look fuckin' hot right now!!! This morning I was thinking out loud about what wonders all this exercise is doing, my whole body is toned, I can stand straight up and down and I look flat! SHOCKING!
Anyway, if I get it, everyone must come see me parade around the stage nude! Hahaha! Except my parents who laughed at me when I told them about this show. My mother thinks it will be a fun experience (of course) but she wants nothing to do with it. Ha! Go figure...I'm completely fine with that.

If You're Reading This...It's Cause You Love Me...Accept it...

Yeah, I know you love me....that's okay....the feeling is almost mutual...

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On a different note...the wind is driving my little doggies nuts!! My screen keeps slamming open and closed, my door mat is trying to make a run for it...wind isn't my friend.

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I'm planning a trip with "On Divorced Men". We did that once, went camping...it was a great venture!!! We had the most amazing dinner on our trip down to Santa Cruz then camped out. We actually have the most hilarious story about the whole trip, it involved a tent, unknown occupants and a "yepp" from a stranger.

Room 437

Today was the big day...really big in my opinion...I wasd invited to lobby for some animal rights actions at the capitol today and I'm excited to anounce that I went!!! The action started in room 437. That's what you're looking at below. Isn't it gorgeous? Well, we discussed the bills we were going to lobby about, the pros and cons and then started the action. First was an individual from Rep. Cox's office. Let me say clearly that it didn't go well...at all!!
I, personally, have a major fear of confrontation but the person I was with definitely didn't. She called him "rude" and asked him "do you work for me or not?" It was a rather bad situation and I actually came out looking like the calm, cool, collected one. HA! I had always thought I was combative, but I'm not! Let me tell you, I've seen combative and it's not me!!!

Anyway, after that I went off to lobby appointments on my own and it was wonderful! I got to talk about a few very important legislative issues:
1- The famous AB 1634 which is also known as the "spay/neuter act".
2- The upcoming bill entitled "Great Apes in Entertainment." This bill makes it illegal to train or use apes in entertainment throughout the state (apes being gorillas, bonobos, chimps and organutangs. Did you know that there are only 4 trainers for these animals in all the U.S. and 3 live in Cali? We talked about the horribly gross training methods used for training monkeys and apes in this industry and then got to push the fact that this legislation really needs more backing.
3- The upcoming bill entitled "Dog Fighting Spectators Bill." This is a change in the prosection of individuals who knowingly partake in dog fighting. It would change the law to make this a felony.

Lastly, the direct to ballot issue which I am currently collection signatures for. I have petitions if anyone needs to sign one - let me know, I'll even drive to you, we need everyone's help!! This issue addresses "Farm Animals" and mandates that individual who use animals for farming use cages for chickens, pigs and veal that are no smaller than would allow the animal to stand up, sit down, turn around and stretch its limbs/wings. Pretty basic stuff you'd think...

I'm excited that I got to go out today and really stalk about my passion on these issues. I feel like I made a difference and I'm certainly planning to do more lobbying in the near future!!

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On a slightly different note, while at the Capitol today...I got asked on a date which I said yes to. This guy may be too good to be true. We had lunch and it was good, we chatted, talked, walked...the jazz. I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket but I certainly see potential with this one. Oh...and did I mention that he's a secret service agent!

Cutest Flippin' Picture of 2008

Oy Vey

I'm sore...I learned that my climbing trip from Sunday was perhaps too much for my little body. My shoulders are sore, my back is sore, I'm just a giant sore thing...hahahahaha!

Anway, today was long but at least I have tomorrow off and can sleep in a little. Yes, I have tomorrow off work - I get to attend some important canine action in the Sacramento area. I'm excited! I hope it will teach me lots and that I can learn better and more effective ways to help our four legged friends.

On another note, I was speaking on the telephone with someone new today and she said "Oh, I have a friend who is dating you." Ummm....ummm....is it wrong of me to ask...who? Hahaha, anyway, I got busy and didn't address the issue but I'm seeing her in person on Thursday and I'm curious who she thinks I'm dating as I didn't realize that I was seeing someone (at least no one steady).

OHHHH and the writer's strike is over!!! YIPPEEE!!!! Being that I don't own cable, the TV was getting really boring!

What Dreams May Come

Do you ever stop and think, did I smoke crack today? There are moments in my life where I wonder if maybe I smoked some REALLY strong crack and it was so powerful that I forgot I even smoked it. Get the picture?

Sometimes I (like all of us) do really stupid things. I call people I shouldn't, I say things I don't mean, I go along with thing I don't agree with, I email when I shouldn't...well...today I did one of those things and when I realized that I couldn't undo it, I just resigned myself to it. I do that often - resign myself.

As most of you have experienced with me, I call you, say things, email you...whatever...things I shouldn't do and things I don't stand behind or mean. Things that aren't me!! The best people in my life know where the me begins and the crack ends. In the past six months I've done some stupid shit...including the email from today and a complete over reaction to a break up (which I can laugh comically at now, how crazy can I get sometimes? Here's an example!! HAHAH!)...and many many more...I giggle...I can't help it, sometimes those raw reactions happen.

The best thing we can do is let them, accept them, and then let them go. Yes, we betray ourselves in the worst ways. The worst betrayal in the world is the kind we do to ourselves, the ones where we don't hold firm to our own personal morals and values. The little white lies we tell to ourselves to make us "feel better", the times we give in when we shouldn't, and for some, not even knowing where your integrity stands.

I know where my integrity stands. I was told once - "have 5 core values that you can count on one hand." These are values that are entirely me and any time I betray those, I'm only killing my own soul. These values are what is left when I stripped of my possessions and everything that can possible leave me in life. My 5 values that create an integrity in me are:
1. Family
2. Truth/Openness
3. Canine Companionship
4. Achievement (the idea of putting all your effort into everything you do that matters)
5. Perspective (Identifying and being aware of more than just one point of view)

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Yesterday was overall contented...work was hard, bills were plentiful and life was...I anticipating getting to Yoga all day since I was clearly upset from the inside out. But when I got to Yoga, I wasn't anticipating the degree of emotional displacement I would feel. WOW! I knew I was upset and had been pushing the feelings down all day, but this little release sure felt like a huge shift. It brought it to the surface and it woke me up straight. You'd have to feel it to understand it.

Anyway, the Beaver came over last night to hang out with Wally and me. He was rather comical in his words. We were chatting after a movie about life and expectations. He commented on the change in me, he said "I think it took that other Brian to knock the crazy out of you." I laugh even now thinking about it. That's a great line!! I certainly don't feel like the crazy got knocked out of me, but I do feel that something inside shifted and that has allowed me something greater than I thought possible. Something I didn't realize was missing in my life.

Now, let's discuss bills (I'm sure this is everyone's favorite topic). I got a bill in the mail yesterday that I knew was coming but was hoping would look a little nicer :)
It's a $1,500 bill for my stomach biopsy on December 24th. The shitty part of this is that it's my health insurance deductible and it's based on calendar year. So when I get my stomach implant in the next few weeks - I'll have to pay the $1,500 all over again since it's now 2008!!! Grrrrr...

Oh...I'm thinking about settling down. I went and looked at a house and it's cute, not the one for me, but the idea that I might actually buy something and committee to my life doesn't seem as scary as it use to.

I'm such a dingbat...I almost forgot the purpose of this post...I had a dream last night. Not just any dream but...a nightmare. It was horrid in the make you wanna throw up everything you've ever eatin' sorta way. The worst part was that no matter how much I tossed and turned, I couldn't change my dream pattern and I kept returning to the same darn thing. I know I'm focused right now on 'going with the flow' but I was wondering if maybe, just maybe, the flow could be a little kinder to me. I'm still in a very new place and I could really use a break from the bad energy.

My Soul Mate

Whatever soul's are made of...his and mine are made of the same thing.

Freud's Thoughts on Love

Did you know Freud's view of love? He defines love "as the infinitely complex ways in which the sexual drives of the body are played out in the mind...the very thing we know and don't want to know. Love is the most basic and inescapable way in which I (re)appear."

A quick explanation of what this means:
Freud believes that love is that person who you think of at random throughout your day. You know, when you see a funny commerical and you think - that reminds me of X.

This idea that love is the person who pops into your head randomly is rather interesting. According to Freud, this love steams from the sexual and becomes a concrete part of your thoughts.

If this were true then I would come to the conclusion that love can come and go...although, I personally think that love is unconditional and either I LOVE you or I don't...get it?




My WTF of the day:
Me: "I don't date divorced men, sorry."
Him: "Well, I'm not divorced yet..."

The Good Things We See In Others

In (of course) a written correspondence with a good friend of mine, he wrote:
"Well, well. You've got some major changes going in your life, don't you? Two months without a Midori Sour? That's impressive in its own right, not to mention going off the meds, too. Sounds like somebody might be getting settled into her own skin ... ;)"

I can't say that I thought this on my own. I wouldn't say that I felt "settled" into my own skin but yes, I am becoming more at peace with my reality - I suppose...I do like my skin and feel some what at ease with it.

The no meds, no alcohol, no caffine, and upped exercise has really made a change for me.

First, the no meds. I never thought I'd be in this place in my life. It had always seemed so scary! Although, Kay Jamison did write "pills cannot, do not, ease one back into reality; they only bring one back headlong, careening, and faster than can be endured at times." I felt like this really hit home for me. My medications had become such a concrete part of my own reality that they were beginning to push me in directions that weren't healthy and yet I held fast. Living without them has been hard, coming off them much easier than I had thought...yet...I will confess that since Saturday morning my heart rate has been faster than I'd like and my mind more scattered and fragmented than I'd like. I suppose certain stimuli still create that reaction for me...but, the realization of these facts and the knowledge that I can handle this without medication, without those emergency pills I carry on me...really feels empowering. I'm pill free for one month on Monday!!!! ME!!!

Second, no alcohol and no caffine! I came off both because without the medications I really needed to focus on only putting the good into my body until I am in a place that's firm enough to alter that state. No telling if I'll get there in a month, a year, a decade...but until I find that place and know that I'm not going to be without it under the imfluence of these drugs, I don't think that either of these products are of any use to me. This friend of mine, knew how I used alcohol to relieve my discomfort in an unhealthy way and he's right - this is a rather remarkable thing for me to walk away from. But, I am strong enough in myself and I suppose, settled into my own skin, in a way that allows me to control these emotions without the help of something like alcohol.

I think that the best things in ourselves are the things that others see and we can't. The things that are pushed back into our minds that we don't acknowledge until brought forth by someone in our lives. Those are the things that are fundamentally who we are and those are the things that make each and every individual so unique and precious.

Words of Wisdom

So, in response to an email I sent...my "On Divorced Men" friend about running into the ex and yet not really running into him - how it affected me, what I felt, what I didn't feel, and how I'm thinking about it all...he wrote the following email (my comments to his letter in the blue)...:

As twisted as this might sound at first, it's actually good for you to be somewhat freaking out after seeing your ex with another woman. This means you're actually allowing yourself to feel emotion! Gasp! I'm not sure you've ever allowed yourself to do this. He knows me well...as he took note of and I've come to realize, this ex was the first guy I've had feelings for in over five years. It's sad to me to think that I'm not capable of feeling those emotions more regularly and yet...I feel lucky to have felt them at all, even if it was super short lived. It gives me hope that in the future I'll feel it again and maybe sometime down the road, it will be right and real and...yes...that scary word...LOVE. Mind you I've only said "I love you" in that way to one man in my entire life. I won't say it if I don't mean it.

WTF Bitch

For those of you who don't know me that well...I use WTF to express confusion...and that was response to the word:
"fetishistic" - J. Bristow
And the quote:
When talking about salvery he wrote: "That one man could possess, sell or whip another, caused me intense excitement." -Krafft-Ebing

Adding on, my use of the word bitch which some of my dear friends get and those who don't know me don't understand. When I say "bitch" it's a rather nice compliment. It means that I think you have a back bone, you have integrity and you stand up for your ideas. I challenge you to consider yourself a bitch!

When asked a question, the response what "you should do whatever brings you deeper into the reality of your life." That's a great line!!! I'm going to strive to make decisions that bring me deeper into MY life.


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Just a reminder...New Family Guy...tonight!!

My Arms are Fried!

I did some great things I love today...it seems like I say this ever day...ehehehe! :)
Anyway, I got together with Chad and we went down to some random water area close to the bay...he'd know the place if you ever wanna try and go yourself. Just ask and I can get the info for ya. He has kayakes so we paddled it out onto the water and then...this was the most amazing part of it all...we climbed! Have you ever attempted to climb a cliff starting in a boat. HA! Let me tell you, it was the most challenging thing I've done in a long time (I'd like to say EVER but my memory has been shit today). It was so physically demanding that my fingers, hands, and arms are trembling even though I haven't been moving for some time now. HA! It's moments like these where you learn so much about yourself and your own body. It's great!!! I'm making a pledge to myself to try something (anything really) new each month. NO EXCEPTIONS!
I've actually signed up for my first experience paint balling. I think that should be fun!

Anyway, when we got back I did my taxes - a whole 20 minutes...hahaha, anyway, I can't wait to see that refund! YIPPEE! Now, I'm just chillin' with Chewy, Wally and a tall cold glass of magnesium. Apparently the average person doesn't have enough magnesium in their diet so supplements are a plus plus. It's suppose to be a calming agent...I just like the way it tastes, not sure that it actually calms me any. Oh well!

Looooong night

I'm tired! HA!
Anyway, I went to the 2nd Saturday Art Walk in downtown. It was an interesting venture. Elisha, Keira and I went around and looked at all the art. There were some that I was really amazed by and if I had money would have considered purchasing, then...there were the others. The ones that we all agreed - we could do that! Keira took a personal offense to one photo of a one way sign...she was angry that it made it into the gallery at all. It was comical how vocal she was about it...although I suppose slightly embarrassing since it was important to someone.

Anyway, on the art walk I ran into the individual from "On Divorced Men..." OH MY GOD! What a surprise! I had just recently re-entered his life via email and it was a shock to see his face standing in front of me. We hugged, chatted shortly but we were both with groups so it was brief. He called tonight but I missed it, maybe I'll call him tomorrow. Again, what a shock!

After the art walk, we joined up with Laura, Lindsey and Megan. Then we went to the Pine Cove for drinks and karaoke!! It was comical but overall only so so as I was completely exhausted at that point. I did happen to see someone at the Pine Cove from another area of my life and was again, rather surprised and yet intrigued, perhaps I should be paying more attentiont to this guy as we seem to have MANY things in common.

Great Day!

I am having a good day! Maybe GREAT day! I went to my second event for the day and it was a class about remembering and finding that you, the one hidden away inside. It was great and spiritual in all the right ways.

I would like to now confess some stuff...stuff...that I have denied to myself and others for a long time but that I realized today I want, I always will want and there is NOTHING wrong with that! It's okay and it doesn't make me any less of a feminist! YIPPEE!!! On that note, here are somethings I want:
1. I want to get married. I want to find that perfect guy who makes my soul feel at ease and who teaches me so much about life, living, loving and myself. He should be someone I can trust, a trust grows and not one that happens over night. He should be someone who will tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it. If that means I cry, oh well...if that means it hurts, oh well...I want to hear the truth! I value that. I want this guy to add to what I already have, not take away and not complete - but to help it further.
I have this deeper knowledge today that he's out there. This feeling is amazing! That he's real! He tells the truth, he loves open hearted even when scared and he brings that out in me, he forces me to acknowledge things like...the stuff...stuff...
2. I want to have kids (yes, even plural. I don't want them today but I want to share that with someone I love and someone who loves me in return).
3. I want to have a home where I can be a stay at home mom, or he can stay at home. A dynamic that is equal and good.
4. I want to cook! I want to try new recipes and make you cringe. I want to make home-made pies and ice cream. I want to see you drool over my creations! In return I want the same.
5. I want you to drive.

It is okay for me to be soft, it is okay for me to act like a girl when I want to and when I don't, I don't have to!

Again, I value truth so much!! Truth!!! I will always tell you what I'm thinking if you ask. I want that from you!

A Rush

WOW! WOW! WOW! I had a meetup today for Pomeranians and as I was leaving the site I saw the ex (Brian) with another girl. WOW! At first my heart raced, my stomach attempted to empty and I felt entirely dizzy all over. Then it went away and I realized that I wasn't even hurt by it. I was shocked, yes...a little amazed perhaps...but okay.

I guess I feel okay because even looking at him with someone else I didn't see him. He wasn't the person I remember him being at all and I was reminded of what our relationship was not. I was reminded that everything about our time together wasn't real. Our every moment wasn't what I thought it was. It was odd...it was like staring at your own life from the outside.

Bits of the rush are still with me, like that feeling of utter nausea, of wanting to vomit and wanting to take form in the fetal position and just close your eyes.

Elisha once told me, what you need to realize is that when he dumped you, it really had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. She said "it would have happened no matter who he was with." She's right and I think because I understand this, it has made me able to see him with someone else and to think - I hope he's happy. I hope he doesn't treat her the same as he did me.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
On a different note, I'm about to head out to my next event for the day and I'm excited! I'll let you know how it goes. Before I get there I need to find a shoe store and buy some black flats though...my outfit for my last event of the evening requires them!

I Got Fucked

I got fucked...and not in the good way. Ha! My refridgerator died and the maintenance people came to replace it. When I got home it had been replaced. I got thirtsy and went to the fridge for a drink out of my two litter...they had for some reason re-screwed the top on and now I can't get it off. It's far too tight!!! My hand is bruised from trying to open it, I've tried everything and...no drink for me...I'll have to wait til tomorrow and ask my neighbor for help...poooooooooo

God's Knee-Cap

Date went well...he's a good guy. He's got a lot to offer and knows how to step up and take/ask for what he wants. He would know where to draw the line with me and how to encourage me to be a better fit for him through learning. He's got the energy and desire to put into someone the effort needed to make a relationship work. Anyway...onto bigger and better things...

Do you think that maybe we're all just part of God's knee-cap? (Another individuals deep theoretical concept)...hehehe...

Can you believe that I've been on my own for almost two months? Wow! It's been a while and yet it feels like yesterday. Amazing how time can be longer or shorter than it actually is...does that make any sense?

I have exciting plans for tomorrow, I can't wait. First I have a dog thing, then I have this program I'm going to which should be interesting (can't wait to tell you all about it), and then I'm going out at night for a good time with some really great friends who have planned out a wild and yet totally sane evening of my favorite activities!

Random-ness

I'm going on a date tonight with a wonderful guy who is a female body trainer. Crazy! He's totally buff and he spends his day around GORGEOUS women who do a variety of things including modeling, cheerleading and more. Yet, I feel confident that I'm good enough for him. I'm okay with his job and the women around him, they don't threaten me in any way and I'm not jealous...this may be the first time in my life that I've been at ease with the idea of someone letting him do his thing, I'll do mine, and I'll put faith in you to be honest with me as to how things go.

I hate voice mail...with a passion! Yesterday I had something rather comical to share with Alena and so I called her, when she didn't answer I decided to leave a message and yet make it clear that a voice mail message in return would send my frazzled nerves a frenzy! I understand the desire to leave a voice mail message - sometimes I even like them. But as a whole, I hate voice mail. I have caller ID and if you're one of my friends - I can see you called and I'll call you, no need to leave a message! I rant...hehehehe!

Some crazy nut was on my blog space at 1am this morning!! According to my blog log - this individual looked at 20 pages of my stuff...I laughed like crazy when I saw that, I didn't even know I written tha much and certainly not anything interesting enough to warrant that much reading! HA! Thank you my loyal reader and may tonight bring you some sleep!

Do what makes you happy, I can't say this enough. Do you not know the answer? Ask yourself and make sure you spend enough alone time to listen. If it's a person, if it's a hobby, if it's a job or a food you want - do what makes you happy!!! Happiness can only be created from within and although sometimes hard to see, we all can achieve such wonderful things if we just spend the time and effort on making sure we understand and work for the things in our lives that are our priorities.

I'd like to send some thoughts and well wishes to the Beasaw family who is dealing with a very crazy group of individuals at this time. This wonderful family has been the target of some evangelicals in their area (yes, they really do exist) who think it is their duty to save them from damnation. I, however, feel strongly that this family is not damned. Jeanne Beasaw has been such a kind soul to me. When living in Missouri she was the only adult who really was there when needed. She always offered herself, her family and her home to Cottey girls, myself included. She is much loved!!! Jason Beasaw is a wonderful guy as well! As we all know, Jason and his wife are kind hearted people who will go out of their way for those that matter to them. Again, truly a wonderful family and I hope all the people in my life will send them positive energy as they are in need and truly deserving!

Lace Panties

I wore my lace panties today and apparently it changed my attitude. That or I gave off an air that screamed I was in dire need of sex! Go figure. I got asked out by 4 different guys today. They are all super sweet and cute...but...I told all of them yes on the condition it was strictly as a friend, I'm not looking to date right now. This of course made two of them think I was completely uninterested and they are long gone. The other two said that would be just fine and we're moving forward. It sure would be nice to meet a guy and really get to know him before throwing my body and soul into another flop of a relationship.

On another note, I'm tired!! I'm tired of putting my whole heart into stuff, even when good is produced. I feel like I've hit a real wall in my life and I just need some cooling off time where I don't have to worry about any one else's feelings and emotions and I can just take care of ME. This seems to worry some of my friends but unfortunately I just can't put energy into their concerns right now. I have no energy to give - I need it all. The more grounded overall I get the more I seem to want less of what the world (in general) has to offer. Sure there are good things but when you feel good about yourself and your own life, there is good in everything equally.

Behind Closed Eyes

When you're in a room with other people and you close your eyes for a few minutes...what do you see? What do you feel?

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On a different note, I miss theater! So...I'm preparing to audition for a new show! Yes, after nearly a two year hiatis I am returning to the world of song and dance!

Stalker-esk

I felt like a stalker today...the guy I wrote about in "I'm Such a Shit-Head" happened to be eating dinner at the same spot as me. Rather than joining him, I sat a few tables away and although I watched him a little...that little bit felt very stalker-esk! HA!

Anyway, let me tell you my funny story about dinner...
I had dinner tonight with a guy named Jason. I decided to dine with Jason for one reason and one reason only...Jason is HOT! He was a complete stranger until dinner, but totally smokin'. During dinner, I found out that Jason is also an idiot and hence the reason I am probably still single.
At dinner, I brought up the elections and asked, "Who do you think is winning California?" To which my genious of a date replied - "I'm not sure but it's probably a Democrat, they always win California."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

On Divorced Men...

This is what was written to me today by the individual who I disappeared on (the first divorced man I ever dated)...very interesting...
"Well, I can't deny that divorced men come with their share of scratches and dents. Some men recover. Some men don't. I'm a different person than I was when we dated. On a tangent -- there;. I said it. We dated. that's the one thing I wanted to tell you at Q's party -- that I've realized that I didn't acknowledge the extent of our relationship. I was afraid of getting attached to you, and I thought by not calling our relationship what it really was, I wouldn't get attached.

"Oddly enough, I got attached to you anyway. I've learned a lot about myself since we dated. I did a lot of work in trying to figure out some of my shit. I don't have it all figured out, by any means, but I know more about myself than I used to. Getting that knowledge led to a lot of
changes in me -- so much so that the gang started calling me "Joe 2.0"

"Many divorced men blame their ex-wife for everything, get all bitter and shit, then fail to take responsibility for their own actions. I realize that I closed myself off to the ex, and to you. I used to think I built the wall around myself to keep other people from getting in. That's not quite true. I built that wall to keep myself in. The other problem is that many men aren't trained in self-discovery. They've probably spent their adult lives hiding from feelings. I realize now that I did that shit. I try real hard not to anymore."

12 Steps...or maybe 30

So I started thinking about how much I really hate the disappearing act. You know, when someone closes the door on their life and doesn't leave anything for you to hold onto? Well, in thinking about it, I had to admit that I did pull the disappearing act on ONE (any only one) person.
You see, I was dating someone when I met Brian. His name is Shane and he's a very nice person. He's a divorcee with a cat. HA! Totally not my thing, but he really understand my emotions and was able to put a lot of my irrational self doubt to rest. Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to make amends in this area of my life; I'd hate to be a hypocrite.
So, last night I wrote Shane a little letter. Nothing nice or moving…just a hey. He wrote back this morning and as he said “nearly choked on my coffee when I saw your email.” Although I need to make amends with him in order to set my mind at ease about my own disappearing act, I’m not sure I’m ready for the friendship that he seems ready for. He wants to do dinner this week and unfortunately, I’m just not there. I’ll certainly enjoy emailing and chatting though and isn’t that enough to set my mind at ease some…?

The Space Between

Every day we dedicate our Yoga practice to someone different (or perhaps a repeat, but it's a personal dedication none the less). Today I dedicated my Yoga practice in a really special way. I sent it to someone I care for, truly, madly, deeply. I sent them all the energy that I could possibly spare and through this practice I sent them love. Love of self, love of others and simple understanding of the entire word - L. O. V. E.

I've struggled with the concept of romatic love for a long time. I tell people I have never experienced it and don't know if I ever will. I want to make it clear that in saying that - I was lying!! I've loved in that way. I have loved and I have lost and I have learned to try, try, try again. Through errors of my past I have ruined partners of the present and the future. No more of that!!
In all my romantic relationships I think it's safe to say that I have loved twice. No it wasn't Josh, Brandon, or even Christian, I have meger friendships if that...with the two men who taught me the most about romantic love.
I have loved with most my heart, not the entire thing...and for that I am at fault. The first and most denied love of all (one which I will confess here for the first time), was Fernando. I loved him like I knew possible at that time. It wasn't the love I know now but it was special and unique all it's own. He taught me the value of friendship, the importance of faith in your partner and how to show affection in a very public way. This relationship also taught me how to fear and this has followed me to this day. Fear is something I am officially letting go of. When I close my eyes tonight to sleep, it is going away and when I awake tomorrow - I refuse to allow this into my life.
I am no longer scared of being cheated on for there are worse pains. For example, the pain of knowing that you allowed your fears to ruin the good in your life. This last month I have learned to release that which can not be changed. In my future relationships, I will allow my partner freedom that has been earned and the trust that I have to learn to give again. The baggage of the past is be left there.

Although I don't intend to find someone worthy of dating right now, I intend to open my heart to those in my life and continue to see that my friendships build on truth, trust and open-ness. Fear no longer lives within me and I will no longer allow anything in my life to be shaped by the unknown.

I have loved, I have lost and I will stand firm on my two feet and try to do it again.

I'm Such A Shit-Head

I'm such a shit-head sometimes! There's this guy at school who I have a crush on (keep in mind that the term crush means very little to me as I find myself having crushes on nearly everyone at some point).
Anyway, he doesn't really know me...at all! I know enough about him, through my ability to listen to other people's conversations without them noting I'm in the room...hahaha. Anyway, he's a decent guy, in a totally not long term sort of way. Well, yesterday I saw he'd posted a personal ad (yes I love looking at personal ads, so what?). So...I wrote him an email (from an undisclosed account) and said more or less - hey, I know you...you don't know me but I think you're a doll. What are you looking for?
He wrote me this rather adorable letter (of significant length) in which he talked about life and stuff. He has no clue who I am and wants to know...any yet...the shit-head in me is telling me to keep it a mystery. I know it can have two very different effects - one good and one bad...but my intuition says that this one can wait. The best ones out there are willing to wait for you...the others aren't worth the effort.

Romance

Went on a date today...and I think I'm going to stop dating and just go out with new guys as friends. My heart just isn't in the whole dating thing.
This new guy was very kind, interesting and all that which isn't everything any more. I want a guy who I can trust, something that is going to have to grow and take time. I'm not sure that I'm ready to devote that time to someone right now...so, I won't.
I want someone who understands that at my core, I'm just a girl. I love being spoiled and treated like a queen. I want a guy who just wants to cuddle, talk and shower me in kisses. Ha! I'm strong and I have a personality but I also have this softness in me that doesn't get nutured enough. I want romance, true, candle-light nights, ROMANCE.

An Old Favorite

Since returning from Cottey I have not partaken in an old favorite of mine. I enjoy reading in public...ha!
At Cottey I would go up the hill to the lake, lay out a blanket and read with the swans and ducks roaming around me. It was some of the most productive studying I ever accomplished. Today, I went down to the tea shop by my place, took out a book, sat in the sun and enjoyed myself. I felt it was a productive morning and yet it was so relaxing and simple. How could I have ignored this favorite of mine? It felt great, the sun warming the back of my neck and a decent (not entirely good) book.

Crawlin'

Did a small pub crawl around Sacramento with some pals...cool pictures...hahah! More pictures available on my MySpace page, including the end of the crawl results...a completely exhausted and soaking wet me!

We had a good time. We hit five to seven bars over the course of the night, made some new friends as we went and enjoyed a few drinks...hehehe...we danced, we sang, we got beads!

Oh, and for a moment, let me revert back to the guitar thoughts. At one stop there was a SMOKING hot lead guitar player. I, of course, commented on how incredible his arms were, to which Stacey replied "cause he fingers all day." Needless to say, he was slightly older than me but I expect him to call...yeah, I'm going back to the guitar guy thing...I know, a terrible pandora's box to open but how else can I get over my guitar thoughts without attempting to make amends with a guitar player and hot ass singer? He did some great cover band songs too. I should just stop there or I might keep going...ha!

I can't remember the last time I went out with a group of girl friends and didn't think for a second of wanting to be at home with some guy. Some guy who would eventually turn out to suck, break my heart or hurt me just when I started to feel safe. However, tonight I went out with my girl pals and we had a truly kick ass time. I enjoyed being ME! That me that had been in the back shelf and dusty for the last five months.

Gastroparesis

For those of you who don't know - I have gastroparesis - it's basically a paralysis of important internal organs needed to digest. Well, we're now thinking I have autonomic neuropathy which means that it extends beyond just the digestion system but includes all systems that are suppose to operate automatically - for example, temperature and blood pressure.

The reason I bring this up is because I'm having a sick day. I feel horrid! I have stuff on my calendar that I have to do and want to do today and yet - I'll have to go around hoping for a bathroom in case I have the sudden urge to vomit. Lovely!

To Do List

I was rummaging around my house and found an old "To Do List" that I had, dates are next to those which I actually have completed...and yet...soooo many to go....

Fall in love
Run through the front sprinklers in a swimsuit
Find & strip in a big public fountain
Install a fire fighters pole in my house
Buy an old mannequin
Surround my house with mini soldiers
Name all of my household applicances
Give my vacuum a cape
Eat in every room in my house
Dress my dog in camoflauge and take him for a long walk
Build a submarine out of cardboard and find someone's cat to test it on
Learn to play pool (February 22, 2004)
Collect laundry detergent
Lay on an ocean shore til hightide engulfs me and I have to get up for air
Get a tire swing
Climb to the roof of my house and plant a flag claiming the land
Spend a weekend being a biker babe
Share a taxi with a stranger
Make a date in the frozen food section
Play a game of flashlight tag
Send my parents to Europe
Send dad to Wimbolden
Send my mother somewhere alone for a holiday, stress free
Call everyone in my family in one day - just to say hello and see how it's going
Follow my first instinct for an entire day
Don't leave my house for an entire day
Spend a day in someone else's shoes (literally)
Have a pie party
Be dominated
Wear every article of clothing I own before returning to an outfit
Relax in someone's arms
Eat at a restaurant without any form/way of paying for it
Take naked photos
Get my nose pieced (December 2004)
Call everyone in the phonebook
Make love under the stars on a beach
Write a book about the slow death of love
Down a 750 of alcohol in one hour (February 2003)
Have emotion-free sex (2003)
Ride on a motorcycle (November 2002)
Learn to ski
Join the mile high club
Venture to a nude beach
Swim with a dolphin
Own a room with a view
Brew my own beer
Send a message in a bottle
Take a camel ride in the desert
Stay out dancing all night and go to work the next day, without ever going home
Drink beer at Oktoberfest in Munich
Shower in a waterfall
Drive the Autoban
Spend Christmas on a tropical beach
Raft the grand canyon
Take a hot air balloon ride
Have sex on the kitchen counter (December, 2006)
Visit the Holy Land
Run to the top of the Statue of Liberty (Fall 2005)
Coach something
Drive a stock car
Cook professionally
Read the Bible, cover to cover
"Mardi Gras" - need I say more!
Get something personal published
See the Northern Lights
Walk on hot coals
Visit the Amazon rain forest
Buy a lakefront house with at least an acre
Visit all 50 states (15 down, 35 to go)
Call in sick to work when I feel fine (May 14, 2004)
Express my true feelings to someone I'm in a relationship with
Tell Tandra how screwy she is (Haven't done it, but don't want to any more...I've moved on)
Full-fill some man's fantasy
Learn to let loose
Complete a family history as a gift to my grandparents
Parasail (Summer 2001)
Dance under the stars with a babe
Spin in circles in the rain with my man of the moment
Go skinny dipping
Learn to ballroom dance
Take a ride on the Trans-Siberian Express
See the Sphinx
See the Hope Diamond
Pet a tiger
Drive cross-country without a map
Learn to surf
Attend a class drunk (Fall 2007)
Go splunking
Have a philosophy to my life
Swin in every ocean
Speak only in song lyrics for a day