My position is now open...people are applying like crazy. Within the first hour, I received 25+ resumes. Of these resumes, half were from qualified people. At this time, we have received in total 73 resumes and 23 that we like enough to consider further. OH MY GOODNESS! That's a ton of people looking for jobs!
A few of the rejects kept my day lively and full of spunk. One person had a previous job title of "Office Assailant"...hiii-yaaa (insert karate chop). Another individual had a job title of "Key Holder." Hahahah! I love them all.
On a different note...things are going good for me. I'm getting in some time to enjoy Yoga and climbing this week. My friends rock. My family rules. Life is just chipper.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Building up Power
Send me positive thoughts...I'm about to go into the boss' office and tell him when my last day will be...ahhh...CHANGE scares the shit out of me sometimes.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Feeling Old
When I woke up from my night out...I realized that maybe I am finally starting to age when it comes to drinking. I'm sore, I have a headache and I think it's called a hangover. How sad!! I didn't drink that much...
First off, we get to this guy's house to meet up before the party and he's not even there! Instead, there are random people in the garage who stare at Stacey and me like we're cops or something. Totally flippin' paranoid goofs.
Then this guy, Chris, comes home and we sit around drinking bud light in a can (don't ask!). After a long debate we pile into cars and go to this party. But apparently Chris didn't get the memo and didn't tell us it was an 80's Costume Party so we're all losers in normal clothing. We HELLA wanted to wear 80's garb too! There was this giant guy, he was like 6'10 and he was dressed as Prince. It was rather hilarious! Anyway, Rob (the guy who's house it was) had a dog that was in love with my leg. NO JOKE! For like 40 minutes it just stood by me sniffing. There were at least 50 other people there and this dog would not leave my side for anything. It was comical. Everyone decided that I was taking the dog home as my date for the night. Poor thing!
Anyway, I got to bed at a decent (before 5am) hour and yet my back hurts, my legs hurt, my neck hurts...I'm gonna go to Yoga and hope to detox.
First off, we get to this guy's house to meet up before the party and he's not even there! Instead, there are random people in the garage who stare at Stacey and me like we're cops or something. Totally flippin' paranoid goofs.
Then this guy, Chris, comes home and we sit around drinking bud light in a can (don't ask!). After a long debate we pile into cars and go to this party. But apparently Chris didn't get the memo and didn't tell us it was an 80's Costume Party so we're all losers in normal clothing. We HELLA wanted to wear 80's garb too! There was this giant guy, he was like 6'10 and he was dressed as Prince. It was rather hilarious! Anyway, Rob (the guy who's house it was) had a dog that was in love with my leg. NO JOKE! For like 40 minutes it just stood by me sniffing. There were at least 50 other people there and this dog would not leave my side for anything. It was comical. Everyone decided that I was taking the dog home as my date for the night. Poor thing!
Anyway, I got to bed at a decent (before 5am) hour and yet my back hurts, my legs hurt, my neck hurts...I'm gonna go to Yoga and hope to detox.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Strength
I forgot somewhere along the line how completely awesome being single was. Right now I'm getting dressed and showered so that I can go to a kick ass house party with my girl pals. I even shaved my legs!!! Hahah! I feel like I'm gaining strength from knowing other single women who are smart, funny and like me. We're lucky girls to have each other and to know that although guys are fun - they aren't "happiness" since that's something that comes from within.
I'm going out tonight and I'm gonna get drunk and have a grand time...at the end of the night I may go home with someone, I may go home alone...but whatever comes my way will be good and fun.
I already feel like these girls (Stacey, Elisha, Nicole and Tur) have taught me a lot about how to enjoy being out in a group and being alone in my head. I've come to a place where I enjoy everything because I'm enjoying just being me.
I'm going out tonight and I'm gonna get drunk and have a grand time...at the end of the night I may go home with someone, I may go home alone...but whatever comes my way will be good and fun.
I already feel like these girls (Stacey, Elisha, Nicole and Tur) have taught me a lot about how to enjoy being out in a group and being alone in my head. I've come to a place where I enjoy everything because I'm enjoying just being me.
Bate, Hook and...
I just finished cleaning my apartment, there is someone coming to look at it. I'm hoping he likes it, I need to feel okay about abandoning this place :) hahaha...
I'm tired, it sure was a project getting everything stashed away, cleaned up, boxed, arranged. The place looks and smells great but it almost seems silly since I'm leaving it. I don't think it even looked this good when I moved in. HA!
I'm tired, it sure was a project getting everything stashed away, cleaned up, boxed, arranged. The place looks and smells great but it almost seems silly since I'm leaving it. I don't think it even looked this good when I moved in. HA!
Friday, March 28, 2008
#1
It's official, I've finished packing my first box. I think it means that I am actually getting ready to move. I have someone coming tomorrow to look at my apartment. I've moving help lined up...I've got storage arranged...I'm going. It still doesn't seem entirely real but that's okay.
I'm suppose to be going out in an hour, yet I find that instead of getting ready to go out. I'm sitting around in sweats, my hair is a mess and all I wanna do is fantasize about...about...nothing.
Life continues to move and I continue to flow along with it...Brandon's birthday is this week. Yeah for him! Brian got the keys to his house today. Yeah for him!
The guy I have a crush on is being a dick. He's acting like a flippin' 15 year old. Entirely not something I'm into. I know that the whole "does she like me" game is supposedly fun but I say, skip that crap and lets get a move on. He hasn't acted like this for the five or so months we've known each other...yet...he's doing it now. Maybe I should just give up on this one and keep moving...moving on up...to the East side...I think there is a song for every thought or emotion that I've ever had. Go figure!
I'm suppose to be going out in an hour, yet I find that instead of getting ready to go out. I'm sitting around in sweats, my hair is a mess and all I wanna do is fantasize about...about...nothing.
Life continues to move and I continue to flow along with it...Brandon's birthday is this week. Yeah for him! Brian got the keys to his house today. Yeah for him!
The guy I have a crush on is being a dick. He's acting like a flippin' 15 year old. Entirely not something I'm into. I know that the whole "does she like me" game is supposedly fun but I say, skip that crap and lets get a move on. He hasn't acted like this for the five or so months we've known each other...yet...he's doing it now. Maybe I should just give up on this one and keep moving...moving on up...to the East side...I think there is a song for every thought or emotion that I've ever had. Go figure!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Akiko
Akiko emailed me today, I love hearing from her. She's certainly someone I expect to have in my life for a very long time. She wrote to tell me that she has a new boyfriend. She said "I think he is the good person because he understands the meaning of my tears." I like this saying...the idea of a guy who understands the meaning of my tears...what a concept!!
I know I often feel very misunderstood, but I guess part of that really comes out of the idea that I haven't met a guy who is willing to take the time and make the effort to really get me. I hope that this guy treats Akiko right, she hasn't had the best boyfriends in the past and she certainly deserves the best.
I know I often feel very misunderstood, but I guess part of that really comes out of the idea that I haven't met a guy who is willing to take the time and make the effort to really get me. I hope that this guy treats Akiko right, she hasn't had the best boyfriends in the past and she certainly deserves the best.
The Thoughts are Moving Slowly
I have so much to think about, but...the great news is that all of the thoughts are moving slowly around in my head and don't feel overwhelming at all. Yesterday, my mother commented on what a difference she's seen in me. MY MOM, of all people. She says I seem calmer, more at peace. She's so right!
First thought to address, Ryan. I like him, he's nice. Tuesday we were chatting and he asked "What's your background?" I didn't understand what exactly he wanted to know...so I probed...and he said "Did you have a happy childhood? I've never met anyone who's even remotely like you." That made me smile. I know I'm unique. Just keep in mind that you will NEVER meet anyone like me again.
Second thought, there is someone who wants my apartment. She wants to move in April 15th. That means I need to pack up all my stuff and find a place to camp out for the 10 days I'm still here...kinda scary and kinda exciting all at the same time.
Third thought, yesterday Kim and I went out for sushi. I haven't had sushi in far too long (maybe even weeks). It was nice. In the middle of lunch Kim goes "I think you're gonna fall in love in Maine." It was kinda out of the blue but she's the third person to say this. I don't think I'm gonna fall in love in Maine, but everyone around me does. In fact, I'm not really looking for someone right now. I'm enjoying the single life...mind you, the last time I was single I was 21 and wild...now I'm different and single is nice and calm...it's good. I'm not really on the market...I'm dating and enjoying it but I'm certainily only looking short term for the time being.
Fourth, perhaps it's Kim's fault...but last night I had a dream that I met a guy who I wanted to marry. He liked to ride bike and stare up at the stars with me. It was a silly dream really...
Fifth, my family from out of state is here visiting. I'm planning on going down to Woodpile to see them on Friday. It should be fun, I certainly don't get to see them as often as I'd like to.
Last, I have a busy day ahead of me and I feel ready! I feel ready for whatever comes my way. No expectations, just ready to hit the ground running...
First thought to address, Ryan. I like him, he's nice. Tuesday we were chatting and he asked "What's your background?" I didn't understand what exactly he wanted to know...so I probed...and he said "Did you have a happy childhood? I've never met anyone who's even remotely like you." That made me smile. I know I'm unique. Just keep in mind that you will NEVER meet anyone like me again.
Second thought, there is someone who wants my apartment. She wants to move in April 15th. That means I need to pack up all my stuff and find a place to camp out for the 10 days I'm still here...kinda scary and kinda exciting all at the same time.
Third thought, yesterday Kim and I went out for sushi. I haven't had sushi in far too long (maybe even weeks). It was nice. In the middle of lunch Kim goes "I think you're gonna fall in love in Maine." It was kinda out of the blue but she's the third person to say this. I don't think I'm gonna fall in love in Maine, but everyone around me does. In fact, I'm not really looking for someone right now. I'm enjoying the single life...mind you, the last time I was single I was 21 and wild...now I'm different and single is nice and calm...it's good. I'm not really on the market...I'm dating and enjoying it but I'm certainily only looking short term for the time being.
Fourth, perhaps it's Kim's fault...but last night I had a dream that I met a guy who I wanted to marry. He liked to ride bike and stare up at the stars with me. It was a silly dream really...
Fifth, my family from out of state is here visiting. I'm planning on going down to Woodpile to see them on Friday. It should be fun, I certainly don't get to see them as often as I'd like to.
Last, I have a busy day ahead of me and I feel ready! I feel ready for whatever comes my way. No expectations, just ready to hit the ground running...
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Living on a Zip Drive
In my attempt to finish the semester in exactly 25 more days, I've found that my life has suddenly begun to revolve around a zip drive. This zip drive has become, perhaps, the most important piece of vital school material that I have. In the next 25 days I will attempt to complete:
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 5 pages
1 Annotated bibliography for King Lear paper
1 Shakespeare's King Lear paper of at least 12 pages
1 Shakespeare's The Tempest paper of at least 4 pages
1 Black Elk Speaks paper of at least 3 pages
1 Upton Sinclair paper on The Jungle of at least 3 pages
1 Paper on The Bluest Eye of at least 3 pages
Mind you this is the first time I've actually looked at the work load...and I have totalled this to mean that in 25 days I need to write 52 pages!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! I think I'm gonna go curl up in a small ball and cry now...
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 5 pages
1 Frost in May paper of at least 7 pages
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 14 pages (not be over lapped with the first paper)1 Annotated bibliography for King Lear paper
1 Shakespeare's King Lear paper of at least 12 pages
1 Shakespeare's The Tempest paper of at least 4 pages
1 Black Elk Speaks paper of at least 3 pages
1 Upton Sinclair paper on The Jungle of at least 3 pages
1 Paper on The Bluest Eye of at least 3 pages
Mind you this is the first time I've actually looked at the work load...and I have totalled this to mean that in 25 days I need to write 52 pages!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! I think I'm gonna go curl up in a small ball and cry now...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Oddness of the Day
No flippin' joke...today has been rather surreal.
First off, let me discuss my hatred for ambulances. As Elisha says "Just be thankful you didn't date a taxi driver." Today at a four way intersection I pulled up to, there were three ambulances...one at each light...wtf? It's as if the great cosmos are trying to tell me something but at this point, I just can't listen. I have a balance in my life that feels good and is right. I can't see changing that up at this exact moment. Maybe some other time...just not right now. VERY ODD! After pushing that aside and going to lunch. Things seemed to be fairly normal. Hahaha, was I wrong!!!
I attempted to take the Mendocino Hall elevator from the 1st floor to the 4th...however it got to the third...opened...closed...went up to what I thought was the fourth but didn't open. It then started to move again and since I wasn't sure if I was going up or down, or perhaps even falling out of control...I just stood there. Finally I started hitting the "Open Door" button until it let me off on the 5th floor. Thank goodness! I was sure I was going to end up spending the night in the elevator waiting for the fire department.
Now I am safely at home, away from any such oddity that may decide to intrude upon my contentedness. I'm a little bummed out because I haven't really had time to go climbing or attend yoga in over four days. With any luck, tomorrow after work I'll get to do Yoga. YIPPEE!! I just have to really crack down and make sure I get some of this homework finished.
First off, let me discuss my hatred for ambulances. As Elisha says "Just be thankful you didn't date a taxi driver." Today at a four way intersection I pulled up to, there were three ambulances...one at each light...wtf? It's as if the great cosmos are trying to tell me something but at this point, I just can't listen. I have a balance in my life that feels good and is right. I can't see changing that up at this exact moment. Maybe some other time...just not right now. VERY ODD! After pushing that aside and going to lunch. Things seemed to be fairly normal. Hahaha, was I wrong!!!
I attempted to take the Mendocino Hall elevator from the 1st floor to the 4th...however it got to the third...opened...closed...went up to what I thought was the fourth but didn't open. It then started to move again and since I wasn't sure if I was going up or down, or perhaps even falling out of control...I just stood there. Finally I started hitting the "Open Door" button until it let me off on the 5th floor. Thank goodness! I was sure I was going to end up spending the night in the elevator waiting for the fire department.
Now I am safely at home, away from any such oddity that may decide to intrude upon my contentedness. I'm a little bummed out because I haven't really had time to go climbing or attend yoga in over four days. With any luck, tomorrow after work I'll get to do Yoga. YIPPEE!! I just have to really crack down and make sure I get some of this homework finished.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Intervention
I had my very first dream about Maine last night. It was scary!! Not actually scary but just real enough to make me realize that it's just a hope step away. I'm ready for the change and I know that I'll have a great time out there - it's just a huge, fast, intense change and I think it's only normal to be a little afraid.
I haven't started packing. I took one box out and was about to tape it together and then decided that was too much work and I stopped. Call it lack of motivation or...perhaps...procrastination? Oh well, it will get done when the time is right.
I haven't started packing. I took one box out and was about to tape it together and then decided that was too much work and I stopped. Call it lack of motivation or...perhaps...procrastination? Oh well, it will get done when the time is right.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter
Easter was great this year. It was so nice to be around my family and just take in all the wonder that they have to offer. It felt so full and warm. I'm not use to accepting that and really being in the present. It was powerful!
My dad's side met, as usual, for breakfast at our spot and boy did we eat. I was so full!! Then we went back to the houses for egg hunts. It was comical to watch the little buggers run around and attempt to find the eggs that had been hidden.
After that, I went to my folks house for the other side of the families party. At that point I was pretty tired so I watched the cousins play some ping-pong, fooseball and...well...another activity that we have officially deemed ghetto and so I won't admit it. HA!
I came home and now I'm debating on whether I want to do homework or take Chewy out to the dog park for a nice walk. It's just so pretty outside that I can't imagine not going out into the sun.
My dad's side met, as usual, for breakfast at our spot and boy did we eat. I was so full!! Then we went back to the houses for egg hunts. It was comical to watch the little buggers run around and attempt to find the eggs that had been hidden.
After that, I went to my folks house for the other side of the families party. At that point I was pretty tired so I watched the cousins play some ping-pong, fooseball and...well...another activity that we have officially deemed ghetto and so I won't admit it. HA!
I came home and now I'm debating on whether I want to do homework or take Chewy out to the dog park for a nice walk. It's just so pretty outside that I can't imagine not going out into the sun.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
I love Dogs!!!
I spent my day today working with the shelter. It was rather comical to see my driving around with four dogs in crates and a few rabbits. But, I've found that if you try hard enough, you can almost fit anything into my little car. Hahaha!
I'm completely exhausted now from being out in the soon all day, chatting with people and just trying oh oh oh ohhhhh so hard to get those cute faces adopted. This morning from 8am-noon we took some dogs out to the Folsom Eggstravaganza. It was a great event. There turned out to be about 3,000 people. Of course, the only that got adopted was kittens...but there was one little doggie that really caught my heart and he's now in my foster program. I just couldn't stand to see him back at the shelter. He's so well behaved and he knows some basic commands. I haven't thought up a name yet, but that's okay.
Since December I haven't really put my heart into rescue or volunteering at the shelter but today sure felt good. I love dogs and I just love saving lives!!
I'm completely exhausted now from being out in the soon all day, chatting with people and just trying oh oh oh ohhhhh so hard to get those cute faces adopted. This morning from 8am-noon we took some dogs out to the Folsom Eggstravaganza. It was a great event. There turned out to be about 3,000 people. Of course, the only that got adopted was kittens...but there was one little doggie that really caught my heart and he's now in my foster program. I just couldn't stand to see him back at the shelter. He's so well behaved and he knows some basic commands. I haven't thought up a name yet, but that's okay.
Since December I haven't really put my heart into rescue or volunteering at the shelter but today sure felt good. I love dogs and I just love saving lives!!
Friday, March 21, 2008
I'm Just too Cautious
I went to the RPM raceway tonight. It kicked butt! I got to drive fast and wear a motorcycle jumpsuit. I ended up having a spin out fairly early on in the race and so I got all afraid they were going to throw me in the penalty box. Needless to say, I got last place in the race. Oh well, I had a blast anyway!!
Dream
I write this with much hesitation and angst. I don’t want to. I really don’t want to. But, I must…
Last night I had a dream about Brian Vaughn (deep breath). It was intense and rather not meaningful, but it still stirred up those thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t been in touch with recently. He had been rather far from my mind for a while and yet…apparently…he’s still very much on it.
A few weeks ago, I bought a card for him. I had decided that I was going to write him a thank you and send it on my way to Maine. I’m thankful to him in a way that doesn’t make any sense really since he really was a complete ass in the way that he handled our whole situation. Some time ago I decided that I really didn’t want to attempt a friendship with him because I knew his true personality (as seen during the break-up) and it wasn’t of a person I respected or wanted a friendship with. Yet, I felt compelled to send a thank you. I bought a really flippin’ cool card, one I liked and I told myself I would write that letter ASAP. Well, I still haven’t written it and I don’t think I’m going to! Although I’m thankful, I’m not entirely sure that he’s deserving of that knowledge. Again, he really was rude, disrespectful, and to some degree deceitful in our encounters and for that I’m still very angry, mainly angry at myself for falling for it all…but also angry that anyone could be so untrue to another human being. It’s almost as if I’ve come to believe that this form of lying or deception…whatever it really was…is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
Anyway, dropping that…the thank you was to say that I’m so glad my eyes were opened by him. I’d never encountered anyone who let me believe so much un-real…stuff…Our encounter really opened my eyes to a new type of person in the world. One I hadn’t encountered before and one that I deep down was choosing not to acknowledge. I am also thankful for our breakup because of all the good that has come into my life because of it. Without that encounter, I would have continued to live in the numb…I would have continued to live an obscenely unbalanced life, I would have kept my eyes closed to all the good that was right in front of me. Instead, I have found a center for myself within my self, I have found balance in my days, I have found meaning in everything around me, I have come to understand and enjoy people…yes!! Can you imagine…I have learned to see good in everything in a way that I never expected. I am so thankful for the pain I went through, it changed me in ways I didn’t realize needed changing. My friends feel that this was something I did entirely on my own, but I feel that without his push over that cliff, I never would have made it.
No, I’m not going to send that thank you. No, I’m not going to reach out and try and be his friend, he clearly doesn’t want my friendship or he would have come to me. He clearly isn’t ready for what I have to offer and I have so many people in my life who are ready and deserving and I owe it to myself and to them to send that energy in the correct direction.
In conclusion, I think it is safe to end with something Cinnamon told me about the whole experience and a way of reflecting – “I am sorry for not seeing you. I am sorry you did not see me. My energy was so focused on you seeing me that I missed seeing you.” I guess my dream was really a reminder that it’s important not forget these things. As I take my life in a direction that holds much potential and joy, I hope that others understand that sometimes pain leads to greatness.
Last night I had a dream about Brian Vaughn (deep breath). It was intense and rather not meaningful, but it still stirred up those thoughts and feelings that I hadn’t been in touch with recently. He had been rather far from my mind for a while and yet…apparently…he’s still very much on it.
A few weeks ago, I bought a card for him. I had decided that I was going to write him a thank you and send it on my way to Maine. I’m thankful to him in a way that doesn’t make any sense really since he really was a complete ass in the way that he handled our whole situation. Some time ago I decided that I really didn’t want to attempt a friendship with him because I knew his true personality (as seen during the break-up) and it wasn’t of a person I respected or wanted a friendship with. Yet, I felt compelled to send a thank you. I bought a really flippin’ cool card, one I liked and I told myself I would write that letter ASAP. Well, I still haven’t written it and I don’t think I’m going to! Although I’m thankful, I’m not entirely sure that he’s deserving of that knowledge. Again, he really was rude, disrespectful, and to some degree deceitful in our encounters and for that I’m still very angry, mainly angry at myself for falling for it all…but also angry that anyone could be so untrue to another human being. It’s almost as if I’ve come to believe that this form of lying or deception…whatever it really was…is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
Anyway, dropping that…the thank you was to say that I’m so glad my eyes were opened by him. I’d never encountered anyone who let me believe so much un-real…stuff…Our encounter really opened my eyes to a new type of person in the world. One I hadn’t encountered before and one that I deep down was choosing not to acknowledge. I am also thankful for our breakup because of all the good that has come into my life because of it. Without that encounter, I would have continued to live in the numb…I would have continued to live an obscenely unbalanced life, I would have kept my eyes closed to all the good that was right in front of me. Instead, I have found a center for myself within my self, I have found balance in my days, I have found meaning in everything around me, I have come to understand and enjoy people…yes!! Can you imagine…I have learned to see good in everything in a way that I never expected. I am so thankful for the pain I went through, it changed me in ways I didn’t realize needed changing. My friends feel that this was something I did entirely on my own, but I feel that without his push over that cliff, I never would have made it.
No, I’m not going to send that thank you. No, I’m not going to reach out and try and be his friend, he clearly doesn’t want my friendship or he would have come to me. He clearly isn’t ready for what I have to offer and I have so many people in my life who are ready and deserving and I owe it to myself and to them to send that energy in the correct direction.
In conclusion, I think it is safe to end with something Cinnamon told me about the whole experience and a way of reflecting – “I am sorry for not seeing you. I am sorry you did not see me. My energy was so focused on you seeing me that I missed seeing you.” I guess my dream was really a reminder that it’s important not forget these things. As I take my life in a direction that holds much potential and joy, I hope that others understand that sometimes pain leads to greatness.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
My Crush
I have a crush!!! It is official - I have a crush on one guy, one and only one. I like him, he's hot, I want him. Best part is that he's under 30 years old...yeah for me!!!!!!
Anyway, I'll keep you posted on how it goes, while it lasts...odds are that it will not result in anything but perhaps I'll try.
I've never asked a guy out but this one sure is making me work for it...
Anyway, I'll keep you posted on how it goes, while it lasts...odds are that it will not result in anything but perhaps I'll try.
I've never asked a guy out but this one sure is making me work for it...
Too Cool for School
I kick ass...have I said that lately...I sure feel it...empowered, that's what some might call it.
Last night I went out and hung with the Kings and their Dancers in the VIP area and a bit in the parking lot as I was attempting to find my car (hahahah). It was totally flippin' AWESOME! Check out the way cool pictures!
I was surprised to find that I didn't think the King's Dancers were all that cute. I felt like perhaps I could even consider myself cuter than one or two of them...which felt really good. What a self-esteem boost.
This one is of Francisco Garcia and me. I got his telephone number...and I didn't even ask...isn't that special...hehehehe
Last night I went out and hung with the Kings and their Dancers in the VIP area and a bit in the parking lot as I was attempting to find my car (hahahah). It was totally flippin' AWESOME! Check out the way cool pictures!
I was surprised to find that I didn't think the King's Dancers were all that cute. I felt like perhaps I could even consider myself cuter than one or two of them...which felt really good. What a self-esteem boost.
This one is of Francisco Garcia and me. I got his telephone number...and I didn't even ask...isn't that special...hehehehe
Reggie Theus (the coach and me) - He was super sweet and helpful. I really liked his personality and think he's a good guy. I thought it was funny that when I asked him for a picture he bent over to take it...hahahaha...I know I'm sort but thanks!
This is Shelden Williams...he sure looks like a nice guy...let's just leave it at that.
Overall, it was a great nice. We had a lot of fun and the guys were (for the most part) good entertainment.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The Unconnected Story of Gay Men AND Tattoos
Gay Men
I have a dear friend who was dating this guy for about a year, they broke up in December. It turned out that he was gay. I'm not angry that he found this out about himself, but I'm bothered by the way he went about dealing with it while continuing to see her. It has clearly been a frustrating and upsetting experience for her. She cared for him very much and even now, after all he's put her through, she continues to. Why is it that we (women) form these bonds with men who are clearly not healthy for us? Why is it that this particular individual felt that it was okay to drag this girl into his self exploration?
People are not experiments. If you're trying to find something better for yourself, whether it is sexually, spiritually or emotionally, make it a personal endeavour and be aware of how your life is affecting those around you.
Tattoos
I have another dear friend, lets call her Bart (because it's easier to type than Huey, Dewey or Louey). Bart had three tattoos, of which only one is visible on her leg. She recently got a fourth (a tattoo that I really like, but that's beside the point). In talking with Cinnamon about my fathers reaction, which was "Why doesn't she just wear a sign that says 'LOOK AT ME'?" I have a total conflict of self over the idea of tattoos. I hate them in a way...I think that they taint the body. I think that by getting a tattoo there is essentially less of you for me to see. It's like wearing a piece of cloth at all times. Yet, at the same time, I have one and I like some of them...yet, in a lover or a close friend - I'd rather see your flesh.
Anyway, Cinnamon informed me that any number of tattoos over six is clinicially defined as self-mutilation. Did you know that? So, I then was extremely curious and started researching the topic. I've found that I think I agree. Yes, these people aren't doing it with the knowledge that they hate their bodies - most of them think that they are creating art or adding something cute. But, ultimately the result is the same as cutting. In my research, everything I find says that my father is right - YIKES! The idea of self mutilation is that it is a coping mechanism for something else. Anyway, the clinical data on this stuff is really interested and I recommend you check it out. I've pointed Bart in that direction as I want to make sure that she's aware of the clinical side of these ideas...whether she agrees or chooses to stop...that's entirely different as most people who do this type of thing are 150% unaware of just what they really are doing.
I have a dear friend who was dating this guy for about a year, they broke up in December. It turned out that he was gay. I'm not angry that he found this out about himself, but I'm bothered by the way he went about dealing with it while continuing to see her. It has clearly been a frustrating and upsetting experience for her. She cared for him very much and even now, after all he's put her through, she continues to. Why is it that we (women) form these bonds with men who are clearly not healthy for us? Why is it that this particular individual felt that it was okay to drag this girl into his self exploration?
People are not experiments. If you're trying to find something better for yourself, whether it is sexually, spiritually or emotionally, make it a personal endeavour and be aware of how your life is affecting those around you.
Tattoos
I have another dear friend, lets call her Bart (because it's easier to type than Huey, Dewey or Louey). Bart had three tattoos, of which only one is visible on her leg. She recently got a fourth (a tattoo that I really like, but that's beside the point). In talking with Cinnamon about my fathers reaction, which was "Why doesn't she just wear a sign that says 'LOOK AT ME'?" I have a total conflict of self over the idea of tattoos. I hate them in a way...I think that they taint the body. I think that by getting a tattoo there is essentially less of you for me to see. It's like wearing a piece of cloth at all times. Yet, at the same time, I have one and I like some of them...yet, in a lover or a close friend - I'd rather see your flesh.
Anyway, Cinnamon informed me that any number of tattoos over six is clinicially defined as self-mutilation. Did you know that? So, I then was extremely curious and started researching the topic. I've found that I think I agree. Yes, these people aren't doing it with the knowledge that they hate their bodies - most of them think that they are creating art or adding something cute. But, ultimately the result is the same as cutting. In my research, everything I find says that my father is right - YIKES! The idea of self mutilation is that it is a coping mechanism for something else. Anyway, the clinical data on this stuff is really interested and I recommend you check it out. I've pointed Bart in that direction as I want to make sure that she's aware of the clinical side of these ideas...whether she agrees or chooses to stop...that's entirely different as most people who do this type of thing are 150% unaware of just what they really are doing.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Boxes
Just when I got all my boxes...well...almost all my boxes, unpacked...I'm going to have to start again. My boxes arrived today and I have so much to get done! I'm thinking that I'll be making a few more trips to good will...so if there's anything you need or want - let me know.
I'm sure tired of moving and the worst part is that when I come home again in six months, I'm going to have to do it all over again! AHHH!!!
_________
So...last night I had a super weird dream...
I went to Nugget Market at 10:06am (no joke - that was the exact time in my dream) and I ordered a vegitarian sandwich with everything on it. Four hours later I was still waiting for my sandwich. So, after getting angry at the clerk I asked she call over her manager. I then gave her a hug and apologized for being mean. The manager then came over and we got in a fight and he kicked me out of the store. BUT AHH!!! In the parking lot there was a guy with a machine gun and I had to try and steal a car to avoid him.
If this dream were to be reviewed, I'm not at all sure what would be found to be the true meaning of any of this! HA!
I'm sure tired of moving and the worst part is that when I come home again in six months, I'm going to have to do it all over again! AHHH!!!
_________
So...last night I had a super weird dream...
I went to Nugget Market at 10:06am (no joke - that was the exact time in my dream) and I ordered a vegitarian sandwich with everything on it. Four hours later I was still waiting for my sandwich. So, after getting angry at the clerk I asked she call over her manager. I then gave her a hug and apologized for being mean. The manager then came over and we got in a fight and he kicked me out of the store. BUT AHH!!! In the parking lot there was a guy with a machine gun and I had to try and steal a car to avoid him.
If this dream were to be reviewed, I'm not at all sure what would be found to be the true meaning of any of this! HA!
Warm Fuzzies
If I didn't know better, I would think that I was high. I feel warm and fuzzy today, everything feels like it's in slow motion. I started a medication used for the treatment of epilepsy and it sure feels...interesting...
_________
On a different note, I read this article today: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/18/science/18angi.html?_r=1&no_interstitial&oref=slogin
What are your thoughts? I believe that when you love someone, you want to be faithful. When I've been in meaningful relationships with individuals I've lost interest in others. It's almost like, the person I was with, was enough. The idea of good enough comes to mind, the thoughts of fullness and fruition...do you experience this? I think perhaps some people are made for love that lasts a lifetime, like DNA or something...and others aren't.
_________
On a different note, I read this article today: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/03/18/science/18angi.html?_r=1&no_interstitial&oref=slogin
What are your thoughts? I believe that when you love someone, you want to be faithful. When I've been in meaningful relationships with individuals I've lost interest in others. It's almost like, the person I was with, was enough. The idea of good enough comes to mind, the thoughts of fullness and fruition...do you experience this? I think perhaps some people are made for love that lasts a lifetime, like DNA or something...and others aren't.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Perhaps I have self-esteem issues...perhaps not...
I have to confess that some how I seem to be dragging myself down without trying. It's rather comical actually.
I've been chatting with Dave. Yes, a dude named Dave (I skipped C but oh well). I had posted that I'm uncomfortable in underwear to which he replied in intrigue...I them professed that I wear none.
In a mildly different conversation, he was asking about my job. To which I replied that really I'm paid to smile and bat my eyes. It's a form of prostitution. He then replied with a comment that summed it up, me, the "none underwear wearing, prostitute."
Wow! HA! Aside from being rather hilarious, I must consider...do I have self esteem issues? HA! I think not, but perhaps...just perhaps this free wheelin' prostitute should think about getting some granny panties and a real job.
Hugs!
I've been chatting with Dave. Yes, a dude named Dave (I skipped C but oh well). I had posted that I'm uncomfortable in underwear to which he replied in intrigue...I them professed that I wear none.
In a mildly different conversation, he was asking about my job. To which I replied that really I'm paid to smile and bat my eyes. It's a form of prostitution. He then replied with a comment that summed it up, me, the "none underwear wearing, prostitute."
Wow! HA! Aside from being rather hilarious, I must consider...do I have self esteem issues? HA! I think not, but perhaps...just perhaps this free wheelin' prostitute should think about getting some granny panties and a real job.
Hugs!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Memories from Last Night
I remembered a few things from last night that I thought were amusing:
There was a guy on the crawl who had no arms. This guy was totally nice but it sure was hard to overlook. At one point he hit on me and I froze, I had no clue how to react...it was odd.
Elisha bumped into some girl and said "sorry" and the girl replied "sorry, bitch." Elish was rather bothered by this encounter. She pointed out the girl to me and I was feeling bold so I went up to the girl and explained how this really had hurt Elisha's feelings and it would mean a lot to her if she'd go over and apologize. The girl broke out crying!!!! NO JOKE!!! She felt super bad about the whole thing and turned out to be a really sweet gal. I did feel bad for making her cry though (although I think it was more the liquor than my confrontation).
There was a guy on the crawl who had no arms. This guy was totally nice but it sure was hard to overlook. At one point he hit on me and I froze, I had no clue how to react...it was odd.
Elisha bumped into some girl and said "sorry" and the girl replied "sorry, bitch." Elish was rather bothered by this encounter. She pointed out the girl to me and I was feeling bold so I went up to the girl and explained how this really had hurt Elisha's feelings and it would mean a lot to her if she'd go over and apologize. The girl broke out crying!!!! NO JOKE!!! She felt super bad about the whole thing and turned out to be a really sweet gal. I did feel bad for making her cry though (although I think it was more the liquor than my confrontation).
It Was a Blast
Oh my goodness!!! Last night kicked ass, it was great to hang with the girls and we totally had a grand time.
First, let me tell you that at one point I thought I had gotten pick-pocketed...it turned out I hadn't...I just couldn't keep track of my own stuff. It was rather comical.
Second, I met this guy. SUPER HOT! His name was Kevin and he was hanging out with four other guys. Turned out they were the Assistant Coach, Personal Trainer, Coordinator and Physical Therapist for the Toronto basketball team playing against the Kings today. I got tickets to the game for free!! Anyway, Kevin and I totally hit it off and he put my number in his palm pilot. He was staying at the Sheraton and wanted me to go back with him. I explained that I had to finish the pub crawl but would call him later in the night and go hang out. At which point, he pulled his hand out of his pocket to hug me and OH SHIT. The guy had a ring on!! Needless to say I bolted like a mad woman and explained to him that although he was hot, I don't do that stuff! I feel cheated, I was totally jazzed about him and so into him and then...fuck!
Third, apparently I was the hottie of the party because I got hit on more than I can even begin to count. I believe one individual asked "are you single?" and I went on a rant about ABSOLUTELY YES and he said "you're too cute to be single." I liked that one. Hahaha!
Fourth, flipping Stacey brought this boy she knows, named Brian (not one I knew before the night started) and they...like all of us...had too much to drink. They ended up stealing the handles off the brewing machines at River City Brewing Company. I'm still in shock...wtf!
Fifth, I had a really kick ass night - photos to be posted on myspace...check them out!
First, let me tell you that at one point I thought I had gotten pick-pocketed...it turned out I hadn't...I just couldn't keep track of my own stuff. It was rather comical.
Second, I met this guy. SUPER HOT! His name was Kevin and he was hanging out with four other guys. Turned out they were the Assistant Coach, Personal Trainer, Coordinator and Physical Therapist for the Toronto basketball team playing against the Kings today. I got tickets to the game for free!! Anyway, Kevin and I totally hit it off and he put my number in his palm pilot. He was staying at the Sheraton and wanted me to go back with him. I explained that I had to finish the pub crawl but would call him later in the night and go hang out. At which point, he pulled his hand out of his pocket to hug me and OH SHIT. The guy had a ring on!! Needless to say I bolted like a mad woman and explained to him that although he was hot, I don't do that stuff! I feel cheated, I was totally jazzed about him and so into him and then...fuck!
Third, apparently I was the hottie of the party because I got hit on more than I can even begin to count. I believe one individual asked "are you single?" and I went on a rant about ABSOLUTELY YES and he said "you're too cute to be single." I liked that one. Hahaha!
Fourth, flipping Stacey brought this boy she knows, named Brian (not one I knew before the night started) and they...like all of us...had too much to drink. They ended up stealing the handles off the brewing machines at River City Brewing Company. I'm still in shock...wtf!
Fifth, I had a really kick ass night - photos to be posted on myspace...check them out!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Mysterious
Okay, so my bathroom has something weird going on. There is a coffee brown substance that keeps appearing on the floor by the sink. It isn't coming from the ceiling, any pipes or the floor since there's tile...but everytime I clean it up, I find more. It's no from my dogs...it's a total flippin' mystery! It feels like that horror movie - Dark Water.
I'm going on a pub crawl tonight. I'm totally excited. I went out and tried on a few dresses and that was a great experience. I didn't fit in the medium...oh no...I'm a fuckin' small!! ME!!! Shocking!! I'm happy with my body right now. Sure there are things that could always be improved but I feel comfortable in my own skin and I like the way things look. I can't say I've felt like this in a while...but it sure feels good.
_____
My Yoga group asked that I get Yoga certified and start teaching at the studio. WOW! I feel like that's a real honor. Since I'm leaving I can't start that right now but maybe when I come back, I'll get my certificate and teach Yoga while I work on my masters...that would kick ass.
I'm going on a pub crawl tonight. I'm totally excited. I went out and tried on a few dresses and that was a great experience. I didn't fit in the medium...oh no...I'm a fuckin' small!! ME!!! Shocking!! I'm happy with my body right now. Sure there are things that could always be improved but I feel comfortable in my own skin and I like the way things look. I can't say I've felt like this in a while...but it sure feels good.
_____
My Yoga group asked that I get Yoga certified and start teaching at the studio. WOW! I feel like that's a real honor. Since I'm leaving I can't start that right now but maybe when I come back, I'll get my certificate and teach Yoga while I work on my masters...that would kick ass.
Friday, March 14, 2008
2 Dates and a Funeral
They are having a vigal for my neighbor outside...it's a little weird.
I had 2 dates today...I suppose I should say, I've gone on one and have one more to go...he should be here any minute...hahaha...nothing like keeping them coming. I always enjoy meeting new people but I also feel kinda bad since they don't seem to understand what I think of as a date.
I had 2 dates today...I suppose I should say, I've gone on one and have one more to go...he should be here any minute...hahaha...nothing like keeping them coming. I always enjoy meeting new people but I also feel kinda bad since they don't seem to understand what I think of as a date.
Secrets
I'm going to keep everything about today a secret...perhaps out of spite for you...perhaps because I know you're reading and I just don't wanna tell you...perhaps...just cause I can.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Oops, too much
I went to yoga for an hour and then hit Pipe Works for two hours...oops...I thought I could handle it...but...well...at about 9pm I started to hurt and I know that if I go to sleep I'm going to be flippin' hurting in the morning. Yikes! I did too much exercise and will now have to pay the price. Poo!
On a different note, I had a good day. I took the day of work to do stuff that I wanted to do...I did fun stuff in the morning then went to lunch with my best friend. It KICKED ASS! It was this odd eating experience at a place I've never been and I can't even begin to tell you about it...you wouldn't understand. Anyway, after that I dealt with school stuff. I've got a lot to get done and a lot that feels out of my power but that's okay...I'll deal with it one foot in front of the other.
I'm really excited about the pub crawl on Saturday. I'm going to drink!!! I feel stable and in control and I think that I'm in a place where drinking will be okay and perhaps...even...fun! WOW!
On a different note, I had a good day. I took the day of work to do stuff that I wanted to do...I did fun stuff in the morning then went to lunch with my best friend. It KICKED ASS! It was this odd eating experience at a place I've never been and I can't even begin to tell you about it...you wouldn't understand. Anyway, after that I dealt with school stuff. I've got a lot to get done and a lot that feels out of my power but that's okay...I'll deal with it one foot in front of the other.
I'm really excited about the pub crawl on Saturday. I'm going to drink!!! I feel stable and in control and I think that I'm in a place where drinking will be okay and perhaps...even...fun! WOW!
Morning Action
So I spent the night last night at a friends house and was driving my dogs and myself home this morning. Upon turning onto my street I notice my neighbors place is surrounded with yellow crime scene tape, there are six cops...and...the chaplain. What seemed to me like a fair neighborhood, apparently isn't...my neighbor was murdered. Wow! It feels like live theater. As with most crimes, all the people for blocks around have come to gather around and chat outside. It's rather ironic to view as an outside all that is happening and the clear way that individual make everything into pop culture.
Anyway, more details will of course follow...when the news is actually released, but one this is for sure, I'm gonna continue to lock my doors and maybe not walk my dogs as late at night as I use to.
Thank goodness I'm moving to Maine huh?
Anyway, more details will of course follow...when the news is actually released, but one this is for sure, I'm gonna continue to lock my doors and maybe not walk my dogs as late at night as I use to.
Thank goodness I'm moving to Maine huh?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Thoughts On Dating
I've come to the conclusion that I have had misfortunes in the dating realm because I haven't been clear on what I want...well here it is:
I want a best friend first and foremost. It's fine if you have other friends but I want to be the person you call with exciting news, the one you spend your holidays with, the one you like to spend time with.
Once I have that best friend connection, then fine...lets find other things that we like about each other. I want you to like my dog. I want my dog to like you. I want you to like my family. My family absolutely must like you! I want my friends to think that you're worthy of me. My friends matter a lot to me and if they say you suck...then odds are...I should be agreeing. I want you to have a job that matters to you, a place you like going every day (but at the same time...I want you to want to come home to me). I want you to eat my burnt cooking experiments with a grin on your face since we both know that take out was a better idea. I want you to speak your mind. Don't hold back!! I want to hear what you're angry, hurt, frustrated...whatever...about. I want my best friend to be my favorite guy on earth, someone I feel safe with. Someone I can watch a movie with or go out in a skimpy outfit. It shouldn't matter what we're doing, there shouldn't be any pouting, because simply being together should be enough.
I guess that's really what we're all looking for out there...but I think it's important to just say it, know it and really hold firm in that my ideal mate needs to be these things and someone who is less than this...well...isn't someone I should settle for.
I want a best friend first and foremost. It's fine if you have other friends but I want to be the person you call with exciting news, the one you spend your holidays with, the one you like to spend time with.
Once I have that best friend connection, then fine...lets find other things that we like about each other. I want you to like my dog. I want my dog to like you. I want you to like my family. My family absolutely must like you! I want my friends to think that you're worthy of me. My friends matter a lot to me and if they say you suck...then odds are...I should be agreeing. I want you to have a job that matters to you, a place you like going every day (but at the same time...I want you to want to come home to me). I want you to eat my burnt cooking experiments with a grin on your face since we both know that take out was a better idea. I want you to speak your mind. Don't hold back!! I want to hear what you're angry, hurt, frustrated...whatever...about. I want my best friend to be my favorite guy on earth, someone I feel safe with. Someone I can watch a movie with or go out in a skimpy outfit. It shouldn't matter what we're doing, there shouldn't be any pouting, because simply being together should be enough.
I guess that's really what we're all looking for out there...but I think it's important to just say it, know it and really hold firm in that my ideal mate needs to be these things and someone who is less than this...well...isn't someone I should settle for.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Desire in the Unconcious
Lacan believes that when you desire someone or something it really is representing something else, something deeper. What? I have a desire, a very unmet desire. For the life of me I can't figure out what it really has to do with and so...I ponder on it whenever I get the chance.
Do you have an unmet desire? Is it a person or a thing?
With 99% of the things I desire, I just go out and get them...the problem is that with this one desire, I can't. I guess that's why I want it so bad. It's that one thing that I can't will into being.
I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. It's one of those things that makes you want to run around the block for hours and hours. It's one of those things that makes life seem unnatural until it's in place. It frustrates, it haunts, it is the ultimate in uncontrolable.
I'm getting ready to leave for Maine, I've started packing up my office. I'm getting rid of the stuff I don't need and figuring out just what items I want to take with me. Again I find myself asking the question...am I running?
I wish I had a sign. Just a little sign to tell me if forward is the right direction right now...if away is the right thing for me to ground in. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm embracing it...but that's beside the point...I'm seeking an answer that only one person can give me and being that the answer I am seeking is outside myself, I am stuck with an unsatisfied desire which I must find a way of getting rid of, of releasing.
My solution...for the time being...more yoga, more long walks with my dogs, more sitting in the sun and reading my books, more essays, more writing, more school, more friends, more family...more distractions...
Do you have an unmet desire? Is it a person or a thing?
With 99% of the things I desire, I just go out and get them...the problem is that with this one desire, I can't. I guess that's why I want it so bad. It's that one thing that I can't will into being.
I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. It's one of those things that makes you want to run around the block for hours and hours. It's one of those things that makes life seem unnatural until it's in place. It frustrates, it haunts, it is the ultimate in uncontrolable.
I'm getting ready to leave for Maine, I've started packing up my office. I'm getting rid of the stuff I don't need and figuring out just what items I want to take with me. Again I find myself asking the question...am I running?
I wish I had a sign. Just a little sign to tell me if forward is the right direction right now...if away is the right thing for me to ground in. Yes I'm scared, yes I'm embracing it...but that's beside the point...I'm seeking an answer that only one person can give me and being that the answer I am seeking is outside myself, I am stuck with an unsatisfied desire which I must find a way of getting rid of, of releasing.
My solution...for the time being...more yoga, more long walks with my dogs, more sitting in the sun and reading my books, more essays, more writing, more school, more friends, more family...more distractions...
I'm Not Sure It's a Good Thing
The news reported today "those with more than 12 years of education -- more than a high school diploma -- can expect to live to 82; for those with 12 or fewer years of education, life expectancy is 75."
I'm worried about this. I'm not sure I want to be 82! I wonder if it's possible that after 20 years of education, the opposite is true. If that's the case then I'll be okay. You figure I did my 12 years of HS education. Then I did 5 years of undergraduate. Now I'm moving on to at least 2 years of graduate...so that's 19 if I finish on time. Ha! What's the point of living to be 82 if you spend 25% of your life in school?
I'm worried about this. I'm not sure I want to be 82! I wonder if it's possible that after 20 years of education, the opposite is true. If that's the case then I'll be okay. You figure I did my 12 years of HS education. Then I did 5 years of undergraduate. Now I'm moving on to at least 2 years of graduate...so that's 19 if I finish on time. Ha! What's the point of living to be 82 if you spend 25% of your life in school?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Too Cool for Me
Okay, do you know anyone on YouTube? If so, I wanna see their videos...hehhehe...here's one to check out - I know the guy, not the gal...but it's still pretty kick ass.
Happily Single
I thought long and hard over the idea of the open relationship...and I realized...it was just an excuse for me to not stand firm in a relationship I didn't want to be in. So, I'm Single! SINGLE! SINGLE!
This feels much more like me, that's for sure. I'm always single at heart, I was born as a single and I'll die as a single. I'm the ultimate of female single-dom. I love being able to flirt at the bar or make out with a total stranger. I like having the freedom to do as I want and not have to worry about who I'm offending or who might end up with hurt feelings.
It's almost as if I forgot how much fun being single really is and I was running from it. Not no more!! I'm gonna go out dancing and drinking and running the streets into the wee hours. I'm going to enjoy this freedom that I have and I'm going to embrace all that comes my way!
I suppose part of this conclusion is that I can care for you and I can not be stuck with you all in the same breath.
This feels much more like me, that's for sure. I'm always single at heart, I was born as a single and I'll die as a single. I'm the ultimate of female single-dom. I love being able to flirt at the bar or make out with a total stranger. I like having the freedom to do as I want and not have to worry about who I'm offending or who might end up with hurt feelings.
It's almost as if I forgot how much fun being single really is and I was running from it. Not no more!! I'm gonna go out dancing and drinking and running the streets into the wee hours. I'm going to enjoy this freedom that I have and I'm going to embrace all that comes my way!
I suppose part of this conclusion is that I can care for you and I can not be stuck with you all in the same breath.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Why I think he's Special (not short bus special):
If I didn't think he was kick ass before...I definitely do now that he's been on the wildest ride EVER!
Sore-dom
Playing on the word boredom, I've decided that I am sore-dom. My abs hurt!!!!! I completely over did stuff yesterday at Yoga and so know when I laugh or cough, I feel as if my gut is bleeding. I've found that the best cure for this is sitting very very still...
__________
Okay so Beaver and I were watching a vampire movie last night and I realized that if such a thing were ever to happen, I want to be far away from him. Ha! Like most humans, he has an inner instinct to stay alive and that would most likely involve his need to kill those around him who put him at risk. Since at times I'm tough and other times I'm a total priss...I have a feeling he'd have to kill me in order to keep me from screaming. Too bad!
__________
I was given a gift today. A new bumper sticker which is now proudly displayed on my car - it reads "I like poety, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick." I found it rather amusing that clearly I'm not the only girl that's a complete contradiction!
__________
Okay so Beaver and I were watching a vampire movie last night and I realized that if such a thing were ever to happen, I want to be far away from him. Ha! Like most humans, he has an inner instinct to stay alive and that would most likely involve his need to kill those around him who put him at risk. Since at times I'm tough and other times I'm a total priss...I have a feeling he'd have to kill me in order to keep me from screaming. Too bad!
__________
I was given a gift today. A new bumper sticker which is now proudly displayed on my car - it reads "I like poety, long walks on the beach and poking dead things with a stick." I found it rather amusing that clearly I'm not the only girl that's a complete contradiction!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
The Intersection
I had a dog event this morning at the dog park and it was wonderful! There was a huge turn out and the people had great conversations. I even got a few hugs!!! Can you believe I like hugging strangers now? I do! I really like feeling close to people and I think that by allowing myself to hug others I'm also expressing something that I often didn't feel I could express.
On a very interesting note - I came to an intersection today. Apparently, I'm sending off the hump me vibe...because...this guy pulled up next to me with his gorgeous dog. Wally went to the window so I rolled it down and no joke. The guy and I had an intense conversation for about 10 minutes at the red light. He said "this has probably been the best stop I've ever made." Of course, when things turned green we parted. It was almost this very large and symbolic experience (as only an English major would probably see). HA!
Anyway, Babe and I have talked about having an open relationship since neither of us are really committed to the other. I'm thinking that this is a great thing for me since I'm not really into the whole stuck idea and I don't feel like he's "the one" or something even remotely close to that. He's fun and all, but at the end of the night I still want to go home.
On a very interesting note - I came to an intersection today. Apparently, I'm sending off the hump me vibe...because...this guy pulled up next to me with his gorgeous dog. Wally went to the window so I rolled it down and no joke. The guy and I had an intense conversation for about 10 minutes at the red light. He said "this has probably been the best stop I've ever made." Of course, when things turned green we parted. It was almost this very large and symbolic experience (as only an English major would probably see). HA!
Anyway, Babe and I have talked about having an open relationship since neither of us are really committed to the other. I'm thinking that this is a great thing for me since I'm not really into the whole stuck idea and I don't feel like he's "the one" or something even remotely close to that. He's fun and all, but at the end of the night I still want to go home.
Friday, March 7, 2008
The Past
I know that you can't change the past...and the saying is that those who dwell on the past want to change it. But...for some reason today, the past feels very present.
Do you have people in your past who you'd like to chat with? I have 2 people.
This is what I've been wondering about the first one, who I shall call...Chuck:
Are you happy? I really want to know. I don't think about it all the time but when I think about you...I have to wonder, are you happy? I don't worry for you, that would be a waste. I just happen to think that maybe, in those moments when I pop into your head, you think about what happiness is and you question if any of it was real.
The second person, who I shall name Sue...:
You are a good friend who doesn't really understand what friendship is. I care for you. I always will. I just hope that over time, you'll learn to live your life and really see what is in front of you for what it is. Don't question it. Don't fret the small stuff...you're better than that.
Do you have people in your past who you'd like to chat with? I have 2 people.
This is what I've been wondering about the first one, who I shall call...Chuck:
Are you happy? I really want to know. I don't think about it all the time but when I think about you...I have to wonder, are you happy? I don't worry for you, that would be a waste. I just happen to think that maybe, in those moments when I pop into your head, you think about what happiness is and you question if any of it was real.
The second person, who I shall name Sue...:
You are a good friend who doesn't really understand what friendship is. I care for you. I always will. I just hope that over time, you'll learn to live your life and really see what is in front of you for what it is. Don't question it. Don't fret the small stuff...you're better than that.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Disconnect
I'm not asking you to love me. I'm asking you to recognize my love.
__________
Babe was so cute today. (Yes, I'm actually going to start talking about him on a first name basis as Babe...hahaha!). He's pushing his...cause?...Hahaha! He has a small flock of girls that are madly in love with him, to them - all I can say is "Tough, he's mine." I know that he feels mutually and for some reason it feels like a worry free thing (I'm just hoping that it doesn't change and become something where I feel pressured or he feels pressured).
My mother is upset that I'm even bothering to date right now since I'm preparing to leave. She's afraid that a guy will make me change my plans. I've told her that ... NO... ha! I'm going! Babe is a great guy and he's SO smart and we have great conversations about things that actually matter and not just paintings, photos, and politics. Things that shape (does that make sense?)...but at the same time, I'm going away for 6 months and when I come back if he's still around - GREAT, I'll be thrilled...but if he's not...then I'll fine with that. He'll be a part of my life in any fashion, he's becoming a closer friend and he's making an impact on my present which will hold firm into my future.
Have you heard the saying "You cannot see the world steadily and see it whole"? I think this is where I'm at right now.
__________
Have you ever known someone and found yourself asking the question - could I love you for your mind? Someone who is smart and funny and great but isn't what turns you on? I'm not saying that's what Babe is...but...I suppose just thinking that is whole betrayal of the present in sorts. I suppose I should just embrace what comes and test it. Perhaps every case will be different, if not...oh well...at least I was real in the moment.
__________
Babe was so cute today. (Yes, I'm actually going to start talking about him on a first name basis as Babe...hahaha!). He's pushing his...cause?...Hahaha! He has a small flock of girls that are madly in love with him, to them - all I can say is "Tough, he's mine." I know that he feels mutually and for some reason it feels like a worry free thing (I'm just hoping that it doesn't change and become something where I feel pressured or he feels pressured).
My mother is upset that I'm even bothering to date right now since I'm preparing to leave. She's afraid that a guy will make me change my plans. I've told her that ... NO... ha! I'm going! Babe is a great guy and he's SO smart and we have great conversations about things that actually matter and not just paintings, photos, and politics. Things that shape (does that make sense?)...but at the same time, I'm going away for 6 months and when I come back if he's still around - GREAT, I'll be thrilled...but if he's not...then I'll fine with that. He'll be a part of my life in any fashion, he's becoming a closer friend and he's making an impact on my present which will hold firm into my future.
Have you heard the saying "You cannot see the world steadily and see it whole"? I think this is where I'm at right now.
__________
Have you ever known someone and found yourself asking the question - could I love you for your mind? Someone who is smart and funny and great but isn't what turns you on? I'm not saying that's what Babe is...but...I suppose just thinking that is whole betrayal of the present in sorts. I suppose I should just embrace what comes and test it. Perhaps every case will be different, if not...oh well...at least I was real in the moment.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Big Choice
I have to decide on a mode of transportation for the summer in Maine...which one do you think I picked? Let me just hint...it's pink...
A Few Quick Thoughts
First off, let me say I AM NOT SICK! I refused to be sick right now. I'm going with "it's just allergies."
Second, I was with this guy earlier today and there was a picture of him sitting on a couch holding a baby and it looked so perfect that I started thinking. Who in my life would I want to see sitting down holding my baby? Strange thought I suppsoe - but do you have any people in your life that you'd like to see in that pose? It doesn't mean you want to have a child with them but rather, the thought of this person holding your kid seems...well...right...?
Third, I wanted to share this with the world: http://www.yahoo.com/s/824885 Can you they got Aunt J too? I'm soooo sad! Whatever shall I do without my helping of pancakes every morning?
Second, I was with this guy earlier today and there was a picture of him sitting on a couch holding a baby and it looked so perfect that I started thinking. Who in my life would I want to see sitting down holding my baby? Strange thought I suppsoe - but do you have any people in your life that you'd like to see in that pose? It doesn't mean you want to have a child with them but rather, the thought of this person holding your kid seems...well...right...?
Third, I wanted to share this with the world: http://www.yahoo.com/s/824885 Can you they got Aunt J too? I'm soooo sad! Whatever shall I do without my helping of pancakes every morning?
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Desire
I want all those in my life to make sure they realize that I like real. I like you to act like who you are and not anyone else. I don't expect anything from you. I expect you to be the best you that exists. I'm already your friend, you don't have to put forth any effort to "keep me" but rather, I'm already here and the only way for you to get rid of me is through effort. Get it? Good!
I've been thinking a lot about desire lately. What is that you desire? Is it a person? A thing? Something unspeakable?
I desire a lot, but ultimately I just want love. I want to be able to put my faith in someone and know that they aren't going to let me down. I'm so tired of people who disappoint by promising something and not following through, by saying things they don't mean, by saying things they don't even understand. I want someone who is going to be honest with me. Someone who is going to know that I never have a bad intension but sometimes I say bad things - things that don't represent me accurately, things that don't represent my thoughts accurately. I want to be with someone who understands my love and my passion and who can take my energy and embrace it. I want to share myself with someone who gets it, who really gets me!!! I've been with guys before who I thought I liked and some I've thought I've loved but none that actually get me. At the end of the day, I find that I'm always left to explain myself and that's not the relationship I envision.
I've been thinking a lot about desire lately. What is that you desire? Is it a person? A thing? Something unspeakable?
I desire a lot, but ultimately I just want love. I want to be able to put my faith in someone and know that they aren't going to let me down. I'm so tired of people who disappoint by promising something and not following through, by saying things they don't mean, by saying things they don't even understand. I want someone who is going to be honest with me. Someone who is going to know that I never have a bad intension but sometimes I say bad things - things that don't represent me accurately, things that don't represent my thoughts accurately. I want to be with someone who understands my love and my passion and who can take my energy and embrace it. I want to share myself with someone who gets it, who really gets me!!! I've been with guys before who I thought I liked and some I've thought I've loved but none that actually get me. At the end of the day, I find that I'm always left to explain myself and that's not the relationship I envision.
The Invisible People
There are invisible people in everyone's life. Not little green men who sneak around, but people who are active in doing something that you don't see. These people are often minorities. Do you know who the invisible people in your life are? Do you take the time to make them just a little less invisible?
This morning as I pulled into the office, the cleaning lady was just getting into her car. She's one of the most invisible people in my life. She magically cleans the office when no one is around, puts everything back in its place and never misses a day. She deserves a huge thank you, but she never gets that.
Take some time today to consider the invisible people in your life, the person who mows the lawn at your favorite park, the person who cleans your favorite restaurant, or maybe it's the bagger at your grocery store. A few kind words can really go a long way to making someone have a good day.
This morning as I pulled into the office, the cleaning lady was just getting into her car. She's one of the most invisible people in my life. She magically cleans the office when no one is around, puts everything back in its place and never misses a day. She deserves a huge thank you, but she never gets that.
Take some time today to consider the invisible people in your life, the person who mows the lawn at your favorite park, the person who cleans your favorite restaurant, or maybe it's the bagger at your grocery store. A few kind words can really go a long way to making someone have a good day.
Monday, March 3, 2008
My Thoughts on His Quotes
My ideas are in blue, quotes are from Jacques Lacan by Sean Homer:
"Lacan always refers to the subject as arriving or having just arrived; as always too early or too late. There is never a point in time that the subject can be said to finally emerge as a stable and complete entity."
I find this interesting as I tell people that I see myself like this. I'm not complete now and I don't anticipate ever being complete. I think that as an individual I am a constant work in progress and will learn and change until the day I die.
"It also involves a 'want to know' of that which is outside structure, and beyond language"
I struggle with this as there is certainly an inner longing for something beyond language within me.
"A need such as hunger or thirst can be satisfied. Desire on the other hand refers to something beyond basic human needs that cannot be satisfied."
I do think that desire is something that can never be fully satisfied. I think this is because I desire things (people, objects...etc) but once I have that, I still have a desire for more.
"Desire is at the very core of our being and as such it is essentially a relation to lack; indeed, desire and lack are inextricably tied together. Lacan defines desire as the remainder that arises from subtraction of need from demand."
I get that desire is the core of my being. I agree. Desire as need minus demand...that is going to take some more thought...
"The unconscious manifests iteself at those points when language fails and stumbles. The unconscious is precisely this gap or rupture in the symbolic chain."
I can understand the concept of things being beyond words - I feel this and I get it. However, I get confused in the idea that the unconscious is that place where words fail. If the unconscious is the place where words fail - then how am I able to ever come to an understanding of it?
"The more we submit ourselves to the superego imperative, the greater its pressure, the more we feel guilty."
Ultimately this means that I feel more guilty when I give in to my feelings of desire than if I supress them? I don't think this is true. When I give in to my feelings, although relieved and whole, don't normally feel guilty for those feelings - perhaps other negative feelings, but not guilty.
"Any given sign acquires its meaning by virtue of its difference from other signs."
I like this idea! The thing that makes me...me...is the fact that I am not you and I am not Bob.
"Human subjectivity or what we call existence involves this constant process of projecting oneself out on to the world and into the future."
"Take a moment to sit back and consider what the text is doing to you. Think about how you feel at that moment and what effect the language has had upon you."
"Lacan always refers to the subject as arriving or having just arrived; as always too early or too late. There is never a point in time that the subject can be said to finally emerge as a stable and complete entity."
I find this interesting as I tell people that I see myself like this. I'm not complete now and I don't anticipate ever being complete. I think that as an individual I am a constant work in progress and will learn and change until the day I die.
"It also involves a 'want to know' of that which is outside structure, and beyond language"
I struggle with this as there is certainly an inner longing for something beyond language within me.
"A need such as hunger or thirst can be satisfied. Desire on the other hand refers to something beyond basic human needs that cannot be satisfied."
I do think that desire is something that can never be fully satisfied. I think this is because I desire things (people, objects...etc) but once I have that, I still have a desire for more.
"Desire is at the very core of our being and as such it is essentially a relation to lack; indeed, desire and lack are inextricably tied together. Lacan defines desire as the remainder that arises from subtraction of need from demand."
I get that desire is the core of my being. I agree. Desire as need minus demand...that is going to take some more thought...
"The unconscious manifests iteself at those points when language fails and stumbles. The unconscious is precisely this gap or rupture in the symbolic chain."
I can understand the concept of things being beyond words - I feel this and I get it. However, I get confused in the idea that the unconscious is that place where words fail. If the unconscious is the place where words fail - then how am I able to ever come to an understanding of it?
"The more we submit ourselves to the superego imperative, the greater its pressure, the more we feel guilty."
Ultimately this means that I feel more guilty when I give in to my feelings of desire than if I supress them? I don't think this is true. When I give in to my feelings, although relieved and whole, don't normally feel guilty for those feelings - perhaps other negative feelings, but not guilty.
"Any given sign acquires its meaning by virtue of its difference from other signs."
I like this idea! The thing that makes me...me...is the fact that I am not you and I am not Bob.
"Human subjectivity or what we call existence involves this constant process of projecting oneself out on to the world and into the future."
"Take a moment to sit back and consider what the text is doing to you. Think about how you feel at that moment and what effect the language has had upon you."
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Happy Birthday Kevin
Today was my brother's birthday so I went out to Woodland to celebrate. I sure love my family. It's so full of life! My two grandmothers sat at the dinner table and talked about American Idol - I thought it was absolutely hilarious. Grandma Carmen was angry that anyone who looked so dirty would get to be on stage. She was convinced that those there was one individual on the show who must be homeless. Grandma Mae complained about the singing skills and agreed that one individual was mighty dirty. Hahahaha! I've not watch the show, but after hearing their opinions, I'm not sure I wanna.
__________
I bought Chewy's travel bag today. He's ready to hit the air with me. I've just got to figure out what stuff I can sell so that I don't have to store it.
__________
I've got a group climbing trip Wednesday. I'm a little excited to see how many people show up and go. I'm also a little nervous since I'm really not very good. I'll just have to see how it goes.
__________
I have a problem with bruxism and today I am really in a bit of pain from it. My teeth and jaw are sore...what's up with that?
__________
I had some rather interesting signs from the world today. There were 4 today, which although not a ton, sure seemed to be saying something. I'm a little worried about what exactly, but I'm going to wait and keep anticipating the push and pull of the universe.
__________
I bought Chewy's travel bag today. He's ready to hit the air with me. I've just got to figure out what stuff I can sell so that I don't have to store it.
__________
I've got a group climbing trip Wednesday. I'm a little excited to see how many people show up and go. I'm also a little nervous since I'm really not very good. I'll just have to see how it goes.
__________
I have a problem with bruxism and today I am really in a bit of pain from it. My teeth and jaw are sore...what's up with that?
__________
I had some rather interesting signs from the world today. There were 4 today, which although not a ton, sure seemed to be saying something. I'm a little worried about what exactly, but I'm going to wait and keep anticipating the push and pull of the universe.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
True to Form, Dreaming Anxiety
Just when I was getting settled into this house...I'm going to have to pack -I just don't think a sublet is a good idea, you never know what another person is going to do to your stuff. So, everything of mine is going to stay at a friends place. Have room? Hahahaha!
___________________
I have some major homework assignments that I need to accomplish this weekend and yet I feel uninspired. Beaver had always been my muse and when the semester got rough and I didn't know what to do with my projects, he'd always talk me into a thesis statement. What is a writer without a muse? A blogger I suppose...ha!
___________________
I have to share my dream from last night, mainly because it's off the wall but also because I need to share it.
Last night I had a dream about Bree (the girl that I was really jealous of when I was dating BV, you know the one that I was jealous of because she knew him better than me and I was always getting told things about him through her). Well, the dream was that I had just handed off the rescue to Jan and someone gave me one last dog to deal with. There was some sort of problem with the dog and I needed some help in getting things taken care of, so I called Jan. Jan said that normally Bree handled that issue and if I wanted help I needed to call her.
I guess Freud would call this an anxiety dream...I'd like to say that at the end of the dream, I called her and I get what I wanted. But the dream actually reflected the real world in that I didn't call her and I didn't get what I wanted.
It's odd how after months of not having someone in your life they can pop up in your dreams. I'd like to think that it's fate telling me something, pushing me in a direction...yet...I've had odd dreams before and maybe that's just not it. If it's fate, there will certainly be more to come, so until then, I sleep in wait.
___________________
I have some major homework assignments that I need to accomplish this weekend and yet I feel uninspired. Beaver had always been my muse and when the semester got rough and I didn't know what to do with my projects, he'd always talk me into a thesis statement. What is a writer without a muse? A blogger I suppose...ha!
___________________
I have to share my dream from last night, mainly because it's off the wall but also because I need to share it.
Last night I had a dream about Bree (the girl that I was really jealous of when I was dating BV, you know the one that I was jealous of because she knew him better than me and I was always getting told things about him through her). Well, the dream was that I had just handed off the rescue to Jan and someone gave me one last dog to deal with. There was some sort of problem with the dog and I needed some help in getting things taken care of, so I called Jan. Jan said that normally Bree handled that issue and if I wanted help I needed to call her.
I guess Freud would call this an anxiety dream...I'd like to say that at the end of the dream, I called her and I get what I wanted. But the dream actually reflected the real world in that I didn't call her and I didn't get what I wanted.
It's odd how after months of not having someone in your life they can pop up in your dreams. I'd like to think that it's fate telling me something, pushing me in a direction...yet...I've had odd dreams before and maybe that's just not it. If it's fate, there will certainly be more to come, so until then, I sleep in wait.
Thinking About This Song
I've been thinking about this song...I love it...it's so meaningful and I get it...here's the song (you all should know it):
Something In the Way She Moves
There's something in the way she moves,
Or looks my way, or calls my name,
That seems to leave this troubled world behind.
If I'm feeling down and blue,
Or troubled by some foolish game,
She always seems to make me change my mind.
She has the power to go where no one else can find me,
Yes, and to silently remind me
Of the happiness and good times that I know, you know.
Well I said I just got to know that:It isn't what she's got to say
Or how she thinks or where she's been.
To me, the words are nice, the way they sound.
I like to hear them best that way -It doesn't much matter what they mean.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)