2008 and the Future

I have grown emotionally and spiritually more this year than any other thus far. For that, I am the MOST grateful. I certainly have had the hardest moments of my life this year, but as a result I have learned to live every day to the fullest and to love with all I have to give.

This year, I actually made friends. Friends I expect to have a lifetime. Nicole and Stacey - I am grateful for you both. In addition, I met Brad who then introduced me to my second family - Peak Adventures; for this, I am speechless. In addition, I have made numerous new companions including Stan and Felix who were both very instrumental in cementing myself within the things I've learned this year.

I am grateful for Cinnamon who helped me through the hardest days and never let me forget them. I am grateful for Candace who continues to be patient with my learning and growth and work with me to find the perfect answers.

Above all else (and anyone and everyone who knows me knows this) I am SO GRATEFUL that I have my Grandma this year. Her battle with cancer was won bravely and with courage I've never seen or imagined before. Although I've always considered her my hero, I never imagined that she wouldn't be in my life. Her cancer caused me to wake up and realize just how precious life is. As a result, I have gotten to know her better and have had the privilege of spending many great hours talking about life.

I've learned what it means to live in the now, just how valuable a good job truly is, where to go when in need of healing, how to find a center within myself...I could keep going for hours. There is just now way to express accurately how much this year has meant to me.

On a side note - a few "big" moments in my life this year include:
* Quitting animal rescue and turning over my 501(c)(3)
* Getting roommates
* Getting robbed
* Finding out my Grandma has cancers
* Finding out my sister-in-law was arrested
* Finding out my cousin was arrested
* Hooking up yet again with Brandon
* Watching Brandon run away, yet again
* Getting fired
* Experiencing the outdoors for the first time in my adult life

Holiday Health

Things are good...very good. Every holiday that I get with my Grandma right now sure seems like a blessing!! I'm so grateful.
I have a lot of thoughts going on right now...
1. Someone smart brought something to light for me yesterday and it's really made me smile. It's taking me a while to find a "real job" right now because it's going to be the right now. Whatever it is that I finally decide to do as a career is going to come, that's why things are going slow right now, because they have to in order for the right thing to walk along.
2. The hearing for my EDD trial has been set and I've been majorly stressing about having to stand in the same room as my old boss and not break down sobbing. That woman was so abusive that I'm literally scared...silly huh.
3. I'm happy. Not ecstatic like I've often been found to be in the past, but happy. Things are good, I'm on a solid path with a slight incline and I expect that somewhere in the future there is going to be a very big mountain.

Transference of Energy

I realized today that I have been forgetting to live in the now far too often. I'm going to keep a close eye on myself and make sure that I maintain "now-ness".

Remember that whole theory on energy I had...you know, where you expell the same energy that world returns to you. I really need to improve the energy I'm giving off! This morning I got up and went to the gas station. A man appeared to be waving at me, I assumed he had mistake me for someone else. No...he came up to my car and I rolled down the window. He then attempted to tell me in broken English that he is from Mexico, does not speak good English but wanted my telephone number. Mind you this man was old enough to be my father. I, of course, told him no. Yuck...I walked away thinking, what the hell sort of people am I attracting here!!!

My day went well from there; however, tonight I was sitting on my couch in the living room playing around on my laptop. Until...suddenly...it burst into flames! No joke! My laptop caught on fire. WTF?

Whatever energy I'm sending out into the world that is coming back around to me, is not good energy and I have some serious rethinking to do.

Still Finding the Missing

I'm still finding stuff that was stolen by Diana when she moved out. That bitch!!! Today I realized that she stole one of my dresses. A new one that I bought when we went shopping together. THAT BITCH! I can't emphasize that enough. The part that bugs me the most is that she couldn't even fit into my clothing so why would you take something like that - just to give it to a friend as a gift later? I know that Karma will get her but at the same time, I feel rage at the fact that she took stuff that wasn't hers. I did file a police report and never heard anything - I think I may follow up on that tomorrow as something should have been done and if nothing was then I want to voice my opinion about that.

Controversy

After a long night last night I got home and called my buddy Brian. I wanted his opinion on something. At the end of the day I had come to a conclusion about a situation and found that I was the only one who felt the way that I did. Thank goodness that after a short conversation with Brian, my faith in mankind was restored. Although Brian and I don't always agree on controversial issues, there are some fundamental ideas that we have in common and that is what makes Brian one of my best friends.

Amazing Human Feats

Yesterday I attended the North Face Endurance Challenge. A 50 mile race near Rodeo Beach. I am amazed to say that I saw one man complete a 50 mile run in 6 hours. He was clearly drained and exhausted beyond anything I've ever seen - but WOW, what an amazing man! He was probably in his 50's. It of course was very inspiring so today I decided to sign up for a 5k, nothing in comparison but something I know that I could do and maybe progress from. I'd love to run a 10k or even a marathon at some point and now is a fine time to start.

Oh, have I mentioned that Brandon has been on my mind a lot lately. Yesterday I met a total smoking hot guy and was nearly drooling over him - I realized that Brandon is my type. I do have a type!! I'm kinda excited to say that. I have a tendency to like guys with distinct features - this up turned nose, dark hair with some degree of a receding hairline, blue eyes and a strong jaw bone. Oy! I may not be dating but I sure can stare and gawk from afar.

Linked Minds

I have this incredible relationship with my mother. We're like best friends and yet, not...she always says that we're like the Gilmore Girls. I enjoy her company and strangely when I think of something, she tends to be thinking the same thing. Today she said - all I want for my birthday is some more sweet pea hand lotion. I had to laugh because for her birthday I got her a basket of all the sweet pea products! Ha! Go figure! Some people think that being like their mother is a bad thing - I certainly don't. I think it's rather strange but I think that it just goes to show the bond that we have.

On a different note, tomorrow is the North Face Endurance Challenge. It's a marathon down in San Francisco. I'm excited. I'm getting up at 6am to shuttle down there with a crew of five guys. I didn't realize til today that I would be spending my day with all men until I was talking with my parents and realized that no other gals were going. Gosh, does that make me a tomboy??

Still Searching

Today I got up and put up the Christmas tree, decorated it, painted parts of the house, went to a job interview, and then came home to bake some cookies. Busy, busy! Now I'm sitting in a quiet house watching a silly TV show. It's strange how I haven't really been alone at all today and yet I'm feeling lonely. I feel like there is something missing, something that I should be out there searching for...it's confusing to me and yet instead of trying to figure it all out, I find myself attempting to create my own destractions.

Reflections

I miss Felix. The conversations we'd have were all too awesome. I miss sitting on my porch and just chatting with him.

On a more positive note, I'm thankful. I'm very thankful for all the things I have in my life. With a special thought on my Grandmother, my family, Stacey, Nicole, Elisha, my great roomies, my awesome dog, my great friend Brian, Peak Adventures, my friends (in general), my ability to pay my bills, my car that runs great, the roof over my head, and so much more!!!

Trouper

My Grandmother made it through Chemo and we're all excited to say that she has only a pea-sized piece of cancer left. It's in the bone on her chest and she'll need to do 10 days of radiation to try and get rid of it, but we're all very glad that everything else has cleared up and she's definitely going to be getting better very soon! My biggest concern is with the recurrance rate on her specific type of cancer. The statistics are scary but I must say that knowing I have her for at least one more Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday sure do make me warm inside. She's such a huge piece of me.

Although I've sworn off all contact with Brandon, I realize that he may still try to contact me. If he does I've also decided on some conditions that I need met before I'm willing to start talking with him again. I need him to:
1- Try some hobbies together (spend time with me doing fun things, things that I like - climbing, hiking, rafting and such)
2- Check out my friends (in the past he hasn't always like my friends so I'd like to introduce him to my crowd and see how he reacts - I definitely place my friends above any guy and I need to know that he's okay with them)
3- Give us a chance (I need him to actually make an attempt at something with me. No more walls for either of us. Maybe it will last a week or maybe a month but I need it to be real and I need to know that least we tried).

I've been reading some really great books lately. I love reading! When I find a good book that makes me stay up reading until 1am (like last night) when I have to wake up at 8am the next morning - that reminds me of why I decided that English was passion.

Dog Sitting

Starting tonight I'm staying over at a total strangers house. I'm dog sitting. The dog is a little insane so this is going to be a rather tough venture. It's a German Shepard who thinks I'm made for biting and humping. I'll be with him every night for a week. Let's see if I can make a difference. I know that Chewy will not be happy that I'm not spending the evenings with him but I do plan to make sure I spend as much time as possible at home.

On a different note, we find out tomorrow how the chemo has worked on my Grandma. We're all hoping for the best!!

Hiking

Went on a long long hike today with Chewy, Wally and Beaver. It probably wasn't really that long but didn't start on the trail until about 3pm and then made it to the destination around 5:30pm. Yikes! It started to get dark. We decided to take the less steep but much longer trail out of the site. To my chagrin we ended up in the forest in the pitch black. Thank God I had a flashlight. So, we ended up hittin' the trail in the dark. About half way down the path, I stepped on something furry and LARGE. Being that it was dark and I damn near screamed to death...it ran off and I was able to continue. Overall, a good hike...shouldn't started earlier in the day though. Glad I made it out alive!

My mind reels...I still feel very guilty and stupid over the whole incident. I keep beating myself up for several levels of the event. Definitely the obvious but also the acting stupid and the not being open in the end. I'm frustrated with myself since I still want to be with him in the way we've always been together - yet I know with CERTAINTY that I can't want that for myself. I'm better than this. So why do I want something that is so bad for me?

In an attempt to be destracted I went out for dinner with Fernando last night. It was strange to be sitting at a table across from him. I realized that the friendship we had six years ago is definitely long gone - he's not someone I really know any more. I also sat across from him thinking, I would way rather be having dinner with Brian. Brian is a mental equal to me in some ways (not all). He can carry a deep conversation with logic, knowledge and understanding. Where as Fernando is very superficial. I never really noticed that back when. I guess as we get older we realize new things and learn to leave behind the old and move onto the new.

Ultimately, I suppose my dinner with Fernando was not a distraction but rather a further realization of what I already know. That I have to move on. That I have accept the path that I'm on and I have to stand strong in making sure that I am getting the best things for me right now.

Tough Knocks

I did something I shouldn't have, something high school-ish and stupid and of course it's come around to bite me in the ass. Worst part is that this ass biting is really making me think.
I have a really big decision to make and I need to do it. I've been dragging my feet and making excuses for myself and I've got to stop. I have to do this!!!
About a month ago Cinnamon and I were talking about a boy. This boy has become a vested interest of mine. He's been around and not around, but ultimately I seem to think that there was always something worth saving there. In talking with her, we decided that maybe really there wasn't anything there. Maybe what I always was gaining from him was knowledge. He always taught me stuff. New and exciting things. But...we agreed that maybe he doesn't have anything more to teach me. In which case, I really can't hold on any longer. I have to cut him out.
This may be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It may be the most emotionally painful experience I've ever been through but I know I'll come out better in the end.

I spoke with Elisha about this today, when I finally realized I had a decision to make and she said that she truly believes that 23-30 are the hardest years of your life. I'm starting to think that. After all, in December (the month I turned 23 in) I got dumped and things have been changing ever since. Change is hard!! The outcomes are far better than I could ever expect and I've learned SO much in just a short period of time. But gosh, change hurts and it's hard and it's draining and more than anything...it's scary.

I've deleted his telephone numbers from my cell phone, I've deleted all our old texts and emails, and I took that one little piece of paper from my book that had his number on it and I fed it through the garbage disposal. I have to stop this! I have to become the stronger person and I have to be able to say for me when enough is enough! I may cry for the next five hours but I'll come out better - stronger - wiser - intact.

Weekend Fun

I went camping this weekend. A group of 9 of us went out to Point Reyes. We all had on backpacks that weighted at least 15 pounds and we set off on our hike. We hiked 3 miles up hill to a neat little beach area. We camped out, in the rain, without fire for the night. Those who didn't pack well sure regretted it.
I kept dry which was better than most. Although after the first big wind storm my tent died and I had to jump in bed with Jeff. His tent did great though! I woke up warm and dry.
Overall the trip was a total blast! We had a good time, saw some cool stuff, spent time on the beach, flew a few kites and did a TON of hiking. Two thumbs up!

Comparison

The reasons that my dog is better than a baby:
1. My dog doesn't wet the bed.
2. My dog doesn't make a mess when eating.
3. I can take a shower without my dog destroying anything.
4. I can take a nap while my dog is awake.
5. My dog doesn't require constant supervision.
6. My dog doesn't have diapers that have to be changed every 30 minutes.
7. My dog doesn't need to change clothes everytime he falls down in the mud.
8. I don't have to bathe my dog every day.
9. My dog doesn't wake up at 6am.
10. Having a dog doesn't mean that I have to give up my social life!!!

As you can tell, I had a baby experience. I had my niece Ashleigh for 24 hours and it was the longest, most exhausting and amazing span of time. I sure do love my Chewy!!!

Life in Motion

My brother and his wife are going through a divorce, he filed paperwork back in April. At the time we were all very mad at him. He has four kids with this woman and wasn't making any effort at saving what they had. Unfortunately, it seems my brother made a very wise choice. My sister-in-law, Julie, was arrested on Wednesday for possession, trafficking and sale of meth.
My heart bleeds!! She's a good person at heart, she's young and hasn't had it easy. I don't think she was doing whatever it was she was doing because she's a bad person. I think either she needed money or she was trying to impress someone or was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
My brother is now filing for full custody of the children. It hurts me to think that she won't be able to see them. Julie has been a very big part of my life. She came onto the scene when I was 15 and really helped my brother to grow up. Kevin was always so immature and she helped to make him more of an adult. When Julie first got pregnant with Skyler she was 17. I had no idea just how much she would come to mean to me. She gave my family Skyler, Elizabeth, William and Ashleigh - these babies mean SO much to all of us. Being that Julie is the mother of them, she means a lot to us too. I personally have a very sincere love for her. She's been a sister to me a way. It's like we were super close but she'd call more than my brother and she's always been very approchable.
Again, my heart just aches for her. Although my brother wants full custody we all think it's still important that she gets to see them. The kids need a mom and she's not a bad person - she's just made some really poor choices. I hope this will be a wake up call for her and that she'll make the effort that is needed to change her life for the better.

Angry

I'm angry at Brandon for coming back when he wasn't ready to really come back. Remember when he went through the whole "I need some time alone" line. Well then he got a girlfriend. Then he came back even though he had a girlfriend, now he's gone again...in less than three weeks. It makes me angry that he thinks he can show up and go away so easily. Next time he surfaces, I'm not so sure I'm gonna be available. I'm rather frustrated at the whole situation.

The Little Moments

We must always remember to cherish those little moments. Those moments are different for everyone. Today I want to remind myself of a few:
Spending time with my Grandma in chemo
Listening to my nephew tell me about school
Knowing that my mom and dad fully believe in me

Some days you absolutely have to take those moments and hold them tight. Today I worked with a group of 38 middle school students. It was rough, really rough for me. I don't have the patience that I once did. I get frustrated rather easily by children I know aren't being themselves and are trying too hard. Being that I spent 7 hours with these youngsters, my mood for the day was pretty much shot. Then I got a phone call that really bothered me.
My old boss is protesting my unemployment. She is claiming that I was dishonest and a distraction to other employees. I knew she was going to protest the unemployment, she had said she was going to, but it just feels low...even for her. So at the end of a rather rough day, I was more than irked to know that this was going on too.

So, although I have all this boiling up stress - I can remember these great moments and hold them close enough to help me get through another battle and come out stronger.

Short and To The Point

I spent my day with the Army Corp of Engineers helping to facilitate a leadership program for them on the ropes course. It was a fun day and I learned a ton.

As for self discovery, I still feel like I'm learning something new about myself everyday. Today I took the time to sit down and think a little about my goals. I started with one year, five year and future. I was able to get some really concrete stuff on paper. Just cause it's there doesn't mean I can't change my mind, it just means that I'm aware of those goals and striving toward something.

Fresh Air

I've had a long long long two days. I've been dealing with some big ideas within my head and letting my heart run wild. But to put a nice end to a long weekend, Brian called tonight and we talked politics. If I haven't said it before, Brian is one smart cookie (sometimes...hahaha). Although I don't always agree with his decision, I have faith that if he doesn't now something he'll go that extra step to learn it. Anyway, after being stressed all weekend, getting to have a nice normal conversation with someone sure was nice. Now I can go to bed with peace of mind.

Grounding

I'm in this really strange and scary place of self discovery, a level of it that many people never even get to. But I'm there and I'm learning and trying and waiting for something great to be revealed to me. But what I forget is that it comes in small glimpses of perfection. Tiny moments of being present, real and open. I had a few of those tonight.
The first one was at Sweetwater, a local stomping ground. A group of about 40 of us Peakies were there to wish Andrea (the marketing director) farewell. My perfect moment happened when I was sitting next to Brad, Taylor, Mark, and Joslyn and I looked around the room. It was a group of 40 people I know, I love and respect. People who have mutual feelings for me as well. It was strange to be in a room and look around and feel like you're with family...maybe not even feel - know. Knowing that everyone in that room would be there to support me if I ever needed them. Knowing that we could name every person who wasn't there and know that they were with us in spirit. Knowing that I have this amazing group of friends, larger and stronger than I ever expected. It was extremely powerful! All day I had been stressing about an issue, an issue I had got myself caught up in and couldn't let my head release. But this moment brought me back down to earth and grounded me.
After dinner I had another perfect moment...one that I'm not going to get into details over because the details don't matter all that much to anyone other than me. But, it was a moment in a setting that I didn't expect, with a person I didn't expect, doing nothing really...but being together in a real moment.

Listening

The idea of listening to my heart is rather complicated and scary. At first I thought, well that's just silly - I don't have a heart. Now I'm starting to realize that my heart and my head talk at once and figuring out the answer is the hard part.
Well, to my perplexing dilemma as of late...I have heard the answer and must must must must must trust my heart and move forward with me. It will be tough, it will be painful, slow and scary but what comes out on the other side is still whole and still very much me.

B I N G O

At a party on Friday I met a great sparing partner. He seemed to have incredible insight and totally blew my mind to tiny bits on subjects such as Stan, Brandon, and ... others... Although I didn't reflect on his comments immediately (too drunk) or the next day (still too drunk), I did generically start thinking about things and I have figured something out. I need to perform men assessments before progressing with guys. What does that mean? It means that upon meeting a guy of interest I need to step back and take the time to ask him:
1. What are you expecting to get out of this?
2. How long are you gonna be interested in keeping me around?
3. What will happen if either of these changes?
This man assessment sure would make my mind a little more clear.
As for question 1: Example, are you looking for a relationship? a friend? something in the middle? Knowing this up front helps me to assess if I'm interested in the same goal or not.
As for question 2: Example, a guy likes me but I'm not sure if I like him or if I just like making out with him. I toy with myself as to whether I like him or not. I can't figure it out and in my head I keep saying no it's just make out, no, no (a mental process I use to try and make myself not like...umm...most all guys) he loses interest. Then the question is, was it because I wasn't interested? It's believed that this happened recently and my reaction is...simply...grrrr...I'm frustrated with myself for not knowing myself better and expressing that early on. As for question 3: I need to ask this upfront so that I can left that I don't get it guard down. Normally I spend way too much time trying to get "hints" that aren't even there most of the time. Well, if I know that he's going to be honest with me and upfront, I can work on letting myself trust that. I just struggle because I'm extremely honest and when I'm not interested I make it clear and I'm more than happy to say why. Where as most men make excuses and this simply confuses the shit out of me.

Anyway, the assessment should be put into place. Whether it is or not, we'll just have to see...

Perplexing Situtation Solved

I spent last night with Cinnamon who solved my many confusions. Ha!
Apparently, I am in fact ready for a relationship...it just has to be the right one and on my terms. I've gotten pushed around too much for me to feel confident that I can do it again. Ultimately it comes down to that very dirty T word, trust. I have to start trusting in myself more and taking the time to see what it is I want, really want, not just what I say I want at that moment.

As for my confusion over him...well, why fix what's not broken? Great advice right. For some reason I really started to think that maybe I should step up to the plate and make a go at a relationship with him. Cinnamon steered me clear of that. She reminded me that yes, he does in fact keep me sane, not the opposite and for some reason when my mind starts spinning, he's the place that stops it.
Strangely he came over last night and we had a beer. Just hung out and had a drink, chatted it up. It was a little nerve wracking for me since it made me start thinking that maybe we were ready to give a relationship a go. After all, this was more effort than either of us had ever thrown in before. Yet, the ground has been found and I'm okay with where things are, in fact I like them enough to keep them that way.

Perplexed

I have got to figure some shit out!! I've been toying with this problem for a few weeks now. The new guy is fine (technically speaking)...but I don't feel like I'm getting good quality or what I want ultimately. I think that's because I've been spoiled by...HIM! Do I dare go backwards? The Wise One told me absolutely not...but he keeps me sane. Or is he the reason I'm not sane to begin with...hahaha!
We talked recently and he said we don't really have a friendship. I've been thinking a lot about this. It's been five years, I suppose...good years even, we're going on six years this month. Ha! I have to laugh at the fact that we met by such random chance and the friend who introduced us is long gone but we've managed to stay just as close. I've kinda set the standard based on him (at least in part or maybe more than part) and now I'm starting to wondering if maybe...just maybe...I don't even wanna write it, writing it - like saying it, makes it real. My gut is totally in my stomach...do you ever toy with yourself, do it, don't do it, do it...DON'T DO IT!
I think we're both just so much alike that it's a problem. We're both totally fucked up and we aren't meant to be in relationships. Ha! I just wonder if after six years we ought to try something, something real...and yet....I don't want to because what we have is something that I don't want to lose. Is that what he's dealing with too? Besides it's all fun right now and would it be fun if we felt trapped? Certainly not.
But I keep coming back to the six years factor. We've seen each other through a lot, the death of family members, our vast random "relationships" or non-relationships as we call them, moves, jobs, hobbies, and overall growth. We do have a friendship!!! Aha! I have found the light! Now what? Nothing, now I close the writing page and get back to the routine...new guy, old guy, friends, friends, friends.

Oh Great Mind

I have this dilemma, I can choose path 1 and make myself very happy for a very short while and bring upon myself some scary karma. Or I could choose path 2 and be antsy and grouchy for about two months at which time that will subside and the world will return to normal keeping myself in good karma order.
Being that I am having a really hard time making this decision on my own, I called upon the great wise one. Oh great wise one said that I must choose the path or right, path 2. I have great faith in the decisions of wise one...now I have to find the power within myself to make this happen. AHHH!!! That's the hard part.

Rotten

Then I decided to call home and check in on the days events. Not a smart move. Apparently my brother and his wife (mind you they're in the middle of a divorce) got into a fight. His wife was upset that my brother is taking their kids over to his new girlfriend's house. Being that my brother hates being told what he can and can't do, he apparently got upset and told her that "he can do whatever he wants when he has the kids" to which she then told the children "say goodbye to your daddy cause you might not be seeing him for a while." Good gracious! I get both sides of the issue. She's hurt...I don't blame her. My brother feels a right of ownership...ultimately I don't care how they feel, I just worry about those kids. It's entirely unfair to put them in the middle of this! Fight with each other, fine...gouge each others eyes out...but don't fight in front of the kids or about the kids...it's simply not fair!!! Yet when I said this to my father, he responded with "life's not fair, you're brother has made stupid decisions and someone has to pay for them." I know...I know...I know! I just hope that through all of this my nieces and nephews will come through smarter and better off. I hope that they don't get damaged by their parents mistake but rather become better people because of it.

Pushing the Limit

My body was pushed too far today, and for that...I must apologize. I got up this morning at 8am to get ready to go out for my day. Yes, I woke up with a 100.2 fever, but what the heck...I've been sick for three days and I refuse to keep being sick. So, I got my vest out and all my gear and went rafting. STUPID MOVE!! I sat at the guide stick and was exhausted after only five minutes. I was having to work my body when all it wanted to do was curl up in bed and get better.
So, from today I've learned, be kinder to my body...yet, tomorrow I will get up at 7am, put on my pack and grab my gear and go hit a wall of rocks...(that's what you get when you commit to something and feel like you just shouldn't go back on your word)...

Ventures

Went out with a new guy last night...I had an okay night, could have been better, could have been worse...it's to be determined...holds much potential.



Work is getting rough. I need to find a new job. My boss is getting more and more aggressive. She blew up today at me and I'm not sure how much longer I can just sit there and take it. It really has an effect on my whole day. I felt so drained of all emotion and ready to just cry...even now...when I've been out of work for nearly five hours, I can't stop thinking about work because it's so intense when I'm there. That's not acceptable!



On a different note, my Grandma is starting to lose her hair. It's hard for me to see her like this. She's always been so strong and she's still being strong, it just hurts my heart. She absolutely must make it through this, she holds so much of my heart.

Jobs

I need a new job...stat!!! It's terrible that when I wake up on a Saturday the first thing I think about is work. I've had a rough week with work - my boss is yelling again and of course I'm taking a major beating. I'm tired of feeling abused at work. If it's not one thing, it's something else. For example - she started to yell at me about one thing and when I didn't show a reaction (mind you I was trying really hard not to listen because she was being really mean and in my face) she got mad at me for having no emotion. What the heck!!!

So, I'm sending out my resume like a fiend, I just need to find something...anything...now!

The Self We Invision

Reminder to self: must keep two feet on the ground, ass in the chair, head on the shoulders!

Warning: Extremely personal and heartfelt. Read with sensitivity.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now. As some of you may know, I was "seeing" someone for about a month recently and it ended quick...like instantly. This situation brought up a lot of feelings, emotions, thoughts, struggles within me. Very much a personal issue and completely unrelated to this individual. Please pardon the lack of transitions in this tale...

I was reminded this week upon the abrupt end of this..."relationship" (mind you it was never official) why I don't date. I removed myself from the dating scene in January of this year and have not had a single relationship since. At the time, it seemed appropriate to focus on my own mental health. To which I have since spent extensive time attempting to better understand myself and get in touch with my soul. Some where along the line of my life, my mind took over and my soul took second place. In the course of several months I learned much about myself. I also learned many things about my failed relationships (both platonic and not). I also began a journey to find the voice within me, one that I don't remember ever hearing. Some said you have to stop listening to your mind and listen to your heart/soul. I hate this saying, it's all too touchy of a subject for me. I'm not sure I have one...I am taking a giant leap of faith in saying...I believe I have this within me and I am DETERMINED to find it and hear it speak.

Since my journey in January began, I lost sight of what I was seeking. I believe this happened in about July when I became restless and began to take too much pride in my new found knowledge (which included both emotional, mental and physical sensations that I had never experienced and had been numb to). I hadn't intended on dating anyone, yet this amazing guy fell into my lap and I had no ability to walk away...even though the relationship ended, I am taking SO much away from it.

I have been reminded that I am not ready to date. Not at all!! I am reminded of my goal for myself and why I started out on this journey in January, which I so welcome to begin again. I have much to learn...so much! I told a friend in January that I felt behind, like my eyes were opened and all of a sudden I realized that the world had passed me by. I lost sight of my goals. Goals for my heart and soul that I need to return to attending to. That means no, I can't date. I'm not ready. I need to make sure that I have more time in nature, more time to feel my body and know what it can and can't do, more time to try new things and success or not, but most importantly more time to consider my boundaries, my morals, my beliefs and how I can be present in every situation while maintaining that integrity.

Adrenaline

Had a good day, I got the privilege of spending my entire day with Peak. It was delightful. I got to climb, chat, enjoy people and places. It was rockin!!! I also got to try walking across a balance beam that was WAY up in the air. It was so intense. It's one of those things where you learn about yourself through the experiences that you take in. Intense for sure, adrenaline not in shortage, life expectancy shrinking...oh well... :)

On another note, my health has taken a turn for scary again. I have some more tests on Tuesday to figure some new stuff out but spent last night on the phone with a nurse and apparently I'm not suppose to wait til Tuesday...grr...I'm so tired of tests and feeling sick and...all of it. My mother is of course, flippin' out and trying to come stay with me, to which I simply refuse. I'm a big girl and although I love having her around, there are major issues at home that need more immediate attention - like my Grandma. It puts my mind at ease knowing that my family is there to make sure she's doing okay. Forget about me, deal with those I love because without them, I just don't know where I'd be...

Getting What You Want

Life seems to send you what is best for you...and well...it did it again. I had been hesitating with some stuff in my life and it was like...a can opened and the universe fixed it for me.
Do you ever wonder what's you're calling? What are you suppose to be doing...I wonder a lot and although I don't know...I'm beginning to have more faith that whatever it is, it will find me. Seeking doesn't work, you have sit back and let things play out the way they do and just know that the best thing that is possible will happen...

School Decreases Sanity

I'm going to officially claim that school causes me to lose touch with reality. For some reason, I feel like all things that have been changing within me for the better are slipping. I feel like I'm slowly losing my sanity again. It's rather scary! I can feel the spinning starting again, I don't feel like I have two feet on the ground, my ass in the chair and my head on my shoulders. How do I get back there?
Camp? It seems that nature provides me with that sanity that I need. Perhaps I've been too busy to find time to run away into the wild by myself and just...breathe! Whatever happened to people becoming recluses? I'd love to have a little cabin in the woods where I could hide out for a week or two and just write and read. You know, the old style English lover (not the uni bomber).

Needs

What am I looking for? That determines the standards. Am I looking for something long term or short? If long, what is it taht has lacked in all my relationships? There's a piece I don't now how to idenfity...
Short term, for some reason seems to be...not enough. Although my goals are much more clearly defined. No in order but certainly:
1. Must have a job
2. Must not live with parents
3. Must be smart and able to carry a conversation
4. Must be outgoing and goal oriented
5. Must be willing to accept my family and respect the value they bring to my life
6. Must respect me!! (you know - return phone calls in a timely manner, include me in outtings and activities, want to spend time around me, make a effort at making me happy)

That Famous Word: Integrity

I've been told time and time again that I have great integrity...at first I didn't understand much about this word, of course I looked it up...and I decided that I still don't think I really understand it.

Right now, I'm struggling with integrity in dating. What is my personal moral feeling when dating? What do I consider acceptable and not (both for myself and the other party)?

I've been "dating" (mind you I hate dating so I'm not really calling it that) this individual who officially makes me feel sick to my stomach over myself. I know that I'm not whole and I'm working very hard to establish a sense of completeness in my life. I'm learning what it means to grow spiritually and to find balance. This individual exhibited EXTREME integrity last night. To which...I can only question my own. Do I have any integrity in dating? Is that why I hate dating? How or where do I begin to examine this within myself? It's a very large concept for me and I'm not sure what I truly believe to be right/moral. I guess that actual question is where do I start to look for answers and understanding when it comes to integrity in dating? I suppose Border's Book store is fine place...the more I read about how others feel, the more I can find myself either agreeing or disagreeing and coming to my own conclusions. I certainly need a conclusion right now as I feel like a terrible person not having any integrity in this area. I've dated far too long without it!

Let The Poison Begin!

Today was the start of chemotherapy for my grandma. I made sure that I was able to go and meet with the doctors. Everything was fine until my grandma sat down in the chemo chair...then she started to cry and it was all over. Once she started to cry, my grandpa started to cry, then me, then my aunt...it was a total chain effect. I completely understand, she's scared - the situation is scary!
The doctor hasn't put any of us at ease either. They don't know where the cancer started so they're going to treat her like she has lung cancer. As we're told "it's extremely rare" to not find a place of origin...yet...here we are...
We're all hoping and praying and I suppose that's all we can do. Grandma is a fighter and deep within me, I know that it's all up to her. If she wants to fight this she can, if she truly doesn't think she can - then...the show is over.

Books

I saw the best episode of "Three and a Half Men" today. I've complained about this to Cinnamon before and to know that someone else thinks this way too...rocks! I hate going to work sometimes because I work in the library. When I walk in and I see five stories of books I get REALLY frustrated. I'll never be able to read all of them. I'll be lucky to read one floor. I could read as fast as I possibly could, as often as I possibly could and I'd never accomplish the isles. On "Three and a Half Men" the dopey brother was standing in a book store crying over the fact that he would never be able to catch up, there were just too many books to read...he starts grabbing them off the shelf and screaming at them...it was classic!! That's entirely how I feel with books!

Together

I'm just not together enough for dating yet. I got asked out again in the hallway today and all I could think was "NO WAY." I'm not in a position to date. I'm not sane enough yet. I have so much to learn about myself that devoting time and energy to forming a relationship to the best of my ability...well...isn't the best of my ability.
Instead, I'd like to focus on self growth, learning how to advance my spirit, figuring out what thigns in life really make me happy and enjoying those things without worry about other.

The Standard

We all have these internal standards that have been set. The question really is, where did that standard come from and who is responsible for setting that standard? Today, I learned that "I set the standard." No one else is responsible for deciding what is "good enough" for me. In the past, I've always allowed the standard to be what I've been told I'm able to achieve. However...that's just not the case. That idea of go out there and do the best you can. Well...that comes from within as well. You'll try the best you can for that day or that moment or project and that then becomes the standard you have for yourself. So, in the morning now when I wake up, I'm going to look in the mirror and remind myself that "I set the standard."

Sick Again

Sometimes my illness knocks me on my butt, yesterday was one of those days. I think I was awake for two hours total. I'm exhausted today as well, but as the story goes, I refuse to stay in bed. I'm going to get up and do stuff! I was suppose to go out rafting today and I really really want to, but I know that I simply can't. So, I'll drive to Woodland and visit my family. Bad days are far and few between but when they come through, they come through strong and they completely kick my butt.

Spinning

Minds spin. You know that stream of thinking that goes on in your head, that's spinning. Some people spin slowly, some faster and yet...some too fast. I use to spin too fast and now I'm right where it should be. However, I have this strange fear of the spinning since it use to be so out of control. Now when the spinning starts I pay more attention to it. For example, I was driving in my car today and I started thinking about last night. I had an awesome night. Felix and I went out and did...all sorts of stuff! It was rather adventure packed. Then I found myself in my car again and I noticed that the spinning was going, I can go with it or I can stop it...which one is really best? Should I even notice that spinning this much?
I think in the end I'm learning that my body is finally on level ground and my mind is there now too, which means that the spinning isn't a bad thing - it's a great thing and I have to let that happen.

Issues

I have issues...hehehehe...

First issue, I'm on the job market again. I have a hard time settling for anything less than perfection and this would be that sort of situation. I want a place where I go to work every morning excited to be there. Excited over the events of the day and feeling confident that I'm making a difference.

Second issue, I have a problem dating. A big problem. I fall head over heels for an individuals personality but just can't bring myself to be physically attracted to them...does this happen to anyone else? It results in me cycling back to the same set of two guys who I am actually attracted to, over and over, over and over...and eventually having to cut off my "friendships" with the others because I get to the point where I can't even look at them. WTF?

Third issue, caring. I just don't give a rats about most male "friends" (you know, the playboy bunny type). I can't bring myself to put in the effort. I seem to only be able to stick with the "fun while it lasts" mentality and that drives them running fast...but I'm okay with it...I'm not sure I should be...hahahah. Shouldn't I want a long term relationship? Shouldn't I want something more? If so, then what the heck...

Fourth, trust. The typical topic that people like to discuss about me. I have trust issues. I know that. I don't know why, I'm getting better...but I can't trust people easily. I guess I have no reason to trust someone until proven otherwise. Does that even make sense? I guess that could be why I'm good at these quick little attempts at multiple relationships at once...but the commitement thing...I haven't done that in eight months now and I'm not even interested in doing it again. Again...shouldn't I be?

I guess the actual underlying issue is that I don't care enough about things I should...hahahaha!

Chemo and Jobs

Grandma went to see the Chemo nurse and oncologist today. Apparently, they haven't found an origin for the cancer, which means maybe that spot on her chest is it. So, no chemo yet -but she'll start radiation 5 days a week asap. With any luck this will go fast and be painless. GOOD!

Working is rough, rough, rough...

Community

I have some of the coolest people in my life. My roomie Pam, my buddy Nicole and I went to the art walk yesterday. It was amazing!! On the way there we noticed some people playing bongo drums and singing reggae in front of this house. We were like "dang, sure looks like a group we should party with..." just happens I knew one of them and within minutes WE WERE partying with them. How awesome!! We did the walk and went back to the house for a street party with a DJ. It was pretty rockin'. Pam was a bit on the sick side so we called it quits early that night...but it was a total blast!!
Oh did I mention that I'm talking to boys again. Ha! Yeah, not dating, I'm not in a dating spot with things right now...but talking. It's fun. One guy is totally awesome and I agree with the way he identified with the world, time and space...the other one...well...it's odd because he's entirely not good for me, yet...he gets me. Like the words I'm saying, he understands. Isn't that strange?? I don't know if I've ever met a guy who actually took the words I said and...got it.

Bitter much

Apparently the ex-roomie was bitter when she moved out...cause...(now this one kinda shocked me a bit)...she took food that didn't even belong to her.
I went to the fridge after a long days work and was gonna make this meal I had prepped for last week...but nooooo...she took some of my food! Hahahaha, if she had asked I would have sent her away with a care package...hahahahah!

On another note, I'm excited about tomorrow. It's girls night and my gal pals and I are planning our usual Thursday event. I haven't seen them in a week and I'm feeling deprived so it sure will be nice to get out and enjoy they're silly antics.

Still waiting to hear what Grandma's results are, gotta just keep praying and having faith in the power of that which we can not control.

William

Julie (my sister in law) said William (my 3 year old Newphew) had some testing the other day. These tests are called IP's and they are to see how the child is progressing in vocabulary and such to see if they are ready for school or need special help. Apparently when they asked him about colors - when they showed him purple - he said RahRah (his sister's nickname), blue was Skyler (his brother)---
With numbers - guess what - 4 was Rah Rah (that is in fact her age), 2 or 3 was Willie (that's his age too...hahaha) ---
Finally, they did the alphabet - the person said “A” “ah” “ah” and he didn't care at all- then “B” “buh” “buh” - he got all excited -- they thought it was cool he knew his alphabet until Julie explained he was excited about his aunt since they call me Bubba! HAHAH!

First Roomie Encounter

I had been warned that roomie can be bad...bad...and worse. This one was only bad...some...
Kristy moved in at the end of June. It was agreed it would be a 3 week - 4 week room rental. I didn't ask for a deposit and asked for price that was less than the other two girls in the house were paying. At the end of week 3, I was told she'd be out by the end of 4, at the end of 4 I asked for more $$ to help with utilities since she was still there. At the end of week 5 I asked for $45 in rent for the week (that would equal $180 a month for rent - CRAZY CHEAP). She got upset...needless to say...she was unable to pay and moved out today.
She left a mess in her old room and the kitchen. When I texted her a message to let her know that I didn't appreciate her mess - she responded that she didn't really care since I was money hungry! HAHAHAH! Perhaps $45 is unreasonable but considering all the other girls are paying at least $100 a week...I think it was very generous and can't say I regret anything other than offering up my hospitality to her. Next time, I will most certainly ask any individual passing through for a deposit and a set move in/out date. Lesson learned.

Might I add that I was thanked by a roomie for not allowing that situation to continue.

The Weekend

So we all know that last week was EXTREMELY tough on me. Between the loss of my cousin and my grandmom's health, I've been really hurting. It was strange because although last week was rough and this week is going to tougher...I have this weekend in the middle that I had already committed to. It was a bit of a distraction and that was nice. I got to get away from the real world and just touch base with myself. It was much needed and a great time.
I also got to go to the Coloma Club for the first time. That place is really neat. They have the back of the club set up kinda in a tropical fashion. Definitely comes with my recommendation - you can bet I'll be there more often!

Too Much Somtimes

Life is so flippin' fragile. I found out this morning that my counsin, Jordan was killed in a car accident. She was only 19 years old. I'm surprised and not getting it right now...but wow...life is so fragile. I just cherish everyone I have so much that it seems...wow

Direction

I was going to post about things that have been on my mind for a week or so now, the job, the people in my life, love, happiness and adventure...but as the story goes...fate has a different direction for me right now.
There are some serious events taking place around me that do directly affect me. Sure, I'm a bit worried right now but at the same time I know that I have to be strong because if I'm not, who will be? Details aren't been talked about right now, just for privacy reasons and all...but your prayers and support for my family and every one's health and positive spirits would sure be appreciated.

Switching It Up

I'm changing stuff, things that don't work go out and things that work stay in. End of story!
I've got two important meetings today and they may mean a happier, healthier me, at least that's what I'm counting on. We'll have to see.
Other than that, life's good. I've got a lot going on. Things are right. I love my new house, it's wonderful. Sure my roommates can be pills on occassion but that's okay too, I'm learning how to deal with that and I think it's making me a better person.
For example, after my weekend camp trip, I came home and there was someone else's underwear in my room! YIKES! I wanted very badly to completely flip out. Instead, I washed my sheets, announced to the house that who ever left their underwear in my room could find it in the living room, and I used tongs to move the underwear to the center of the living room. Magically, it disappeared...ha!

Loon Lake

Milinda, Derek, John, Lee, Paul, Lori and I kayaked out around Loon Lake and found a nice little camping site. We set up overnight and had a great time. There was much drinking, much coolness and much fun.
Derek's a great guy, he's super friendly and sweet. I know that Milinda really cares about him. I just hope that he'll wake up and realize what a great lady she is.
John's a hoe...at least that's what I've decided. He's one of those older men that gets around more than he ought to...you know...like a few of the others I know.
Lori was an overall nice person but not someone I hope to see more of.
Paul was a blast. He's a wealth of knowledge about kayaking!
Lee, lee, lee...he cracked me up. He had this very dry sense of humor and no one would laugh but me when he said something funny. I think he's hilarious at least!

Intensity

I'm too intense for 95% of the population. First there was Brad who ran away cause I was too much to handle for him. Now...strangely...I think Brandon may be running. STRANGE!! We've been doing our thing and yesterday he sent me a message that said "Do me a favor - back off. I have some things I need to deal with." To which I was quickly offended and sent him a message that read "WOW! Not like you at all. Harsh!" And he then said "Sorry, nothing against you. I just need some time alone."
What does any of that mean? I'm not going to stress over it, but I do have to wonder just what's up. He's been in my life (on and off) for five years. But in the past when things weren't what he wanted he just disappeared, what does it mean that he actually told me this time and does that mean he's not going away, he just needs space. I'm so confused and the worst part is that strangely, in the past, I've used my wall and ignored the sketchy in our relationship - however, I seem to care this time...what does that say about me?

Work

I'm struggling with my new job. I'm frustrated at being thrown into something and then being pulled out of it...I feel like I'm on a yo-yo. I expressed this to my boss today and we're gonna try and work on improving that. It's just hard right now and whether I'm up for the emotional task of getting this to work or if I need to jump the boat now and save my emotional sanity...then...well...we'll see.
I miss the river! I wish I could just hang out there and not have to deal with anything that the "real world" has to offer. I'm finding as each day passes that I'm not on the water, I start to miss it a bit more and I start plotting ways of getting back to the water. I know I'm not alone...the other guides are feeling the same magnetism of the river.

Wrapping it Up - River Style

I bought pictures of the rafting trip today. They're awesome! They show the boat flipping in slow motion!
Today was another good day on the water. My feet are totally torn up, but it's all good. As great a time as I've having - home sure will be nice and I sure do miss my doggie!

White White White White Water!

Another good day rafting! Randy is leaving camp tonight and that kinda bites. I like him, he's super sweet, smart, kind and hilarious. His energy is contagious!!! I hope that he'll exist in my life in the future.
Brad was okay today. I think we'll probably be friends after this venture...it seems like what we both may find most suiting.
I'm still not sure I'm ready to date...I think I may just need to give more time to myself.

Cruzing on the River

Today's energy was very bizarre. I woke up feeling out of my element and by noon I was ready to cry, but...a new guide, Canada, took us down Hospital Bar and we flipped the boat. It was great and a total adrenaline rush!
On a different note, Brad, the guy I was chaing when I made the crazy decision to come here, yelled at me on the water today. I felt hurt. It bothered me more than it should have and really made me put some more questioning into just who he is and the perhaps false perception I have created of him.

Rafting It Up

Rafting camp was good today. I had a lot of fun and we nearly died when Chad drove the wrong line down Troublemaker (South Fork American River). I'm learning a lot about just what it means to be a part of a really rocking team. I've found that being silent and listening to people really does teach you a ton!!
I'll admit to a quick cell phone check today (I've been here 3.5 days). Calls on voice mail included: 1. Alena 2. Fernando 3. Pom Rescue.
I miss Alena! It's been far too long since I've seen her or Akiko and I certainly hope that we can see each other more regularly.

Woo-Hoo

I'm at Rafting Guide School this week. It's good! The people are wonderful and the waters are cold. I do have a slight concern since I got here, I've been staying up late and waking up early. I'm a little worried about becoming emotionally quack quack since I know my bodies steps towards crazy 1. no sleep 2. no eat 3. EXPLOSION!

Life is Good

Things feel good today...I'm excited about moving into my new place, I'm feeling like I'm learning (constantly), my job can only go up (hahahah), my friends rock, life...rocks!
There was a slight attempt at roommate drama from S. the roommate who hasn't moved in yet, but it all worked out and things are calm. I'm all about calm these days. I don't need the drama and neither do you!
Speaking of hilarious drama, I went on a date with John and...he's DRAMA. I'm just glad to say that I can now identify such drama and walk away...or at least take a slow stroll in the opposite direction...hahaha!

A Sign or what?

I had to laugh today when I woke up and got online. There was this thing on my Facebook that said "Not the Brad you're looking for? Keep searching here..." I had to laught...how could I not!?! After all I made the decision on Thursday that Brad wasn't the one I was looking for...hahaha...fate speaks...go figure...

Growing Pains

First, before I write...let me start by telilng you that the cosmos played a funny joke on me today. I was riding my bike towards campus to go to rafting prep school and ... no joke...one arm of my sunglasses jumped off my head and leapt into a bush. NO JOKE!! The arm was gone and I couldn't find it...so...in a bind...I had to buy sunglasses at the bookstore and they cost me $16. What a rip off!

______
About growth: I'm growing. Today I was able to identify a problem in my life and clearly see it and understand it. I'm not sure how to address this "issue" but that's just another step in the path of life. I'm just so proud that I've made it this far and that I truly get the concept, how it affects me, what my errors are, what the other person's errors are and knowing that I can move forward and learn from this encounter. YEAH FOR LEARNING!

Our Youth

My nephew is five and apparently a bully. No joke! Monday he got in trouble and got a citation on the school bus for hitting another little boy. Apparently he asked the kid if he wanted to fight and when the kid said no, he started hitting him.
Today, he got in BIG trouble! They actually kicked him off the school bus for 1 year!!! No JOKE! He's only five. Apparently today he decided it would be fun to start beating up a kid with the seat belt. My first reaction was "since when do school buses have seat belts?"

Life's Little Laughs

I have to laugh, the more I exercise the more back acne I've started to get...hahaha! Are you ready for the stuff you totally don't wanna read?
Okay, so I think it's from the sweat, what do you say? I looked up back acne and they gave these horrible pictures that made me cringe...that's not what I have! I guess I'm lucky and should just be grateful with the backne that I have. Hahahaha!

Co-ing

I have the funniest co-workers in the world!!! Today some of the great quotes were "she'd talk to a whole in the wall" and "I once knew a guy named Dick Holder."
They are such a joy to spend eight hours with, I feel luck!

I HATE Dating

I hate dating. I hate everything about it. Every new person who comes into your life you have to start all over again. You have to start at the beginning and take it slow, you have to figure out if they are even worthy of friendship and then what? Grrr...I've decided maybe I should be single. I mean, after all...is it really worth it?
I've been getting frustrated with this guy that I've been actively pursuing who seems...on the fence I guess. I mean he returns my calls and seems to be a little interested but when it comes right down to it, he also seems to have no interest. He's got me 110% confused and that is not a place I like to be. So what do I do? I turn to Brandon, my resting place of course.
Although I think he may have a girlfriend again. I mean last night when I was over at his house, I needed to shower as I just got back from the gym. So I hopped in there an there's a pink razor and I notice two toothbrushes. WTF? I didn't ask, I guess I really don't wanna know. If I don't know, does that still make me a bad person?
Then of course Turi, Turi asked me to go a blind double date with her...I passed. I just can't date any more right now. I need a LONG break from it all!

Biking

My roomie and I biked down towards town...and almost died...on a few occassions. First there was this really thin ledge we had to bike on, that was scary. Second, cars seem to find it fun to drive in the bike lane...I think that's JACKED UP! Lastly, I have a tendency to fall easily so me and anything in the road becomes a problem...hehehe...

Blowing on the Bike Trail

I was out tonight with a friend, walking our dogs on the bike trail. We found that a random selection of individuals were out as well...not groups...just singles walking with no real intent or purpose.
My friend is now convinced that for single people at night, if you have no date and need to get a blow job - you go to the bike trail. No, we didn't see this occuring...but I suppose it's a posibility. I mean, after all, what were these people doing out on the bike trail at 10pm. It's dark, it's scary and it's not a place for a single man or woman!

My Boat

I bought a boat...did I mention that? I spent most of the day putting together everything I'll need in order to take it on the water. I'm totally ready to go! Now I just have to truck my behind out to the water and away I go...
but before that...climbing and before that...a nap!

Roommate

My new roommate arrived today on the grey hound. She's nice. She seems to be a slight mix between Alena and my sister-in-law Julie. Her name is Diana and she has an eyebrow piercing and a tongue piercing. She's from Connecticut.
Chewy is warming up to her...but he's been nervous most of the day.
My new job is going good. I'm staying SUPER busy. I've gotten to go out climbing nearly every day this week and I plan to go again tomorrow and Sunday! Yippee!

Working it Good

I'm working like a demon...can you believe that? Until I get this database under control I have a feeling that my dream of working just a few minimal hours is just that...a dream. I got to get this wild thing under control!!

On different note...I'm reading a new book and I'm totally in love with the author, Deepak Chopra. I'll be posting quotes over the next few days with some short thoughts...as we all know I love to do!

From Deepak Chopra's Book of Secrets:
"you are part of every event that is happening now, has ever happened, or ever will happen."
This is a radical and yet true thought. You are here because of everything that's ever happened in the past and you will influence everything in the future. It's an extreme thought of the butterfly effect.

"Your purpose in life is to help creation to expand and grow."
I agree with this...and I'm not talking about procreation. I'm a firm believer that my purpose on this planet is to make a difference, to make some little thing better and by that, make change for the future.

"If someone asked me how to prove that there is really a mystery of life, the simplest proof would be just this enormous separation between deep reality and everyday existence."
True, true...

"Ever since you and I were born, we've had a constant stream of clues hinting at another world inside ourselves."
To me, this is how I feel God. I don't understand being able to acknowledge this inner stream and think that it is anything other than God.

Nature

There is so much serenity in nature and I'm loving the chance I have to get out there and enjoy it. This morning I got up and went for a good long bike ride. It was great weather and the group was nice. I'm sore now, apparently I should have worn the padded pants but I didn't...oy vey.
I'm proud to announce that I finished my Shakespeare essay!!! YIPPEE!! That just means I have one more revision on my Senior Seminar Paper, need to complete my essay for Women's Writers (it's almost done, just needs a bit of touching up), and need to write a full essay for Multicultural Class (that one is started but needs a good few more pages). I'm making good head way. After those few essays I'll actually be finished...I can't wait. It sure feels good to think of myself as a college graduate.

Whatev...

I was gonna post about this great person in my life...but now I'm bitter and angry and not interested in writing about them...people disappoint...
On a different note...I have a ton of homework I really need to get done. I'm not feeling motivated and my muse is no where to be found. I'm frustrated by the whole writing process and need to just sit down and DO IT. Maybe tomorrow....

Tired

Considering all the great changes I've made so that I can have more time in nature and enjoy life...I'm sure exhausted! Hahahaha! I just got home for the day and I'm tired. My body is sleepy and just wants to be a veggie...yet I have homework to still finish up and stuff I really need to get done. I suppose it will wait til tomorrow, I have to go into the office for three hours tomorrow and then I'm gonna have time to get my stuff in line.

The Name Game

I've got to start keeping names straight!!
First, let me start with a short, totally unrelated story. I had my first day of work at my new job today. I helped host the Maria Shriver Book Signing. It was a great event. It was private for our top donors and about 100 people were invited. There were free books and of course the lady was there to sign them. There were wonderful wines and great food pairing. It was a pretty event and overall a great turn out. I, of course, haven't helped to host a formal event in about four years and I forgot the importance of comfy shoes. So as I paraded around in my high heels I wondered if my feet were bleeding. At the end of the event, I took them off to walk back to the parking lot...can you just picture me, strolling down Capitol Avenue with my cute skirt, argyle shirt and my high heels in hand...hahaha!
Back to names...so after this event, I went over to Brandon's new home. It was nice. We put on some music, broke out a bottle of Kendall-Jackson and sat down on his extra long couch. We chatted about life, changes and stuff. We haven't seen each other since January so there was much to be talked about. It was a nice time. At one point, I accidentally called him Brian. To which, he didn't catch on, but I have to admit that I was rather distrubed by the whole thing!

My Nephew, My Love

Skyler is able to capture my entire awe at him in such simple moments. He is currently exploring ideas of death and I have to admit that I didn't think it was something kids thought about or talked about at his age unless actually confronted with it. However, Skyler has come to see death as a form of time out. He gets very angry when you bring up someone who has died he says "yeah and then they stick them in a box and don't feed them." He means that they place them in a coffin (a box) and he's right...they don't feed them. The fact that is 110% child makes me enjoy him all the more. What an amazing thing it is to experience life for the first time!

I Am The Filter

When I date, I've found that I filter out the weak with my completely insane personality and wild taste in...things.
For example, Brad came over last night for our very first movie night together. Hahahaha! I warned him that I'm very bad at picking movies. We started with "Trailer Park Boys- The Movie" and when that got to be just too bad, we switched to "Super Bad." Mind you, I LOVE that movie but it was completely inappropriate for a first movie night. It was rather funny how odd the whole thing seemed. I kept trying to force alcohol on him so that he wouldn't seem so nervous and instead he thought I was trying to get him drunk for my own benefit...it was comical. I enjoyed it! :) HAHAH! If you he doesn't run away now, then he just might have more potential than I gave him credit for.
Mind you, Brad's entirely different from anyone I've EVER dated. He wants to get to know me as a friend first and then we'll go from there. He haven't kissed, we haven't gone that route at all. I know he's interested in me like that and yet I know that he cares more about who I am than anything else. I'm so use to guys just wanting to jump my bones and worrying about getting to know me for me later that this is a total breath of fresh air. It's so exciting that I'm both intimidated and confused by it. I want this but at the time I'm just not use to it and change can always be scary.

Working on a List

I'm making a dating 10 commandments...I'm not doing that good, but here's what I've got so far:
1. Drive yourself to your first date (you may need to make a quick escape).
2. Never accept a date from a guy who wants the first date to be at a bar!
3. Don’t date a guy who has no contact with his ex-girlfriends (there’s probably a reason they want nothing to do with him).
4. Don’t date a guy who lives with his ex-girlfriend!
5. After the date, if he waits more than 2 days to call and isn’t out of the country, sick or dead, write him off and move on – he’s just not that into you.
6. If there’s no kiss by date three, odds are that he’s on his way out.
7. Listen to what those around him say about him. Good things, bad things?

Another Good Saturday

I just got home from rafting the south fork. It was a beautiful day on the water. It was a chilly when you were in but when you aren't in the water it was hot. The river wasn't very busy so it made the experience all that much better.
Two thumbs up for another good Saturday!!
Now, I've made dinner and I'm kicking back with Chewy.

Phone Call of the Month

I got a great phone call today...Josh called!! He missed me and wanted to chat. It was great to hear from him, he always is such a joy. He adds zest to my life in ways that make sense. I miss getting to go to lunch with him and share a big fat cookie! It really made my day a good degree better.

Enjoying Summer

I had this grand plan that I'd stick without a job and live off my savings for the summer...you know, rafter, bike, hike, climb, yoga and just do anything I want all day during the sunny times. But...as life goes I got a kick butt job offer and I'm unfortunately gonna have to take it. I'll be making more money, have great benefits, work less than I already do and hopefully really enjoy the job. I'm excited that I'm getting the chance to shift in good directions but I'm a little bummed that I'm not gonna get to be a total lazy slob all summer. Oh well!

Frozen Moment of the Year Award

Sure life is weird, but sometimes the weirdness can overwhelm. Today was one of those days. I went to look at a room for rent in the fabulous 40's. It was a guy, we had agreed to meet at a local coffee shop...so, as I sat there waiting for him to arrive, I read my book. Then I found, standing in front of me...no joke...a guy I had met drunk at a bar one night. A guy I had refused to give my telephone number to but had somehow argreed to email instead. Get this!! That night after the bar, crazy man sent me weird pictures of him...now I sat there in a coffee shop, with this completely off the way stranger in front of me.
He had no clue who I was but that didn't matter since I knew exactly who he was. AHHH! This moment in my day has won the frozen moment of the year award. I have been officially tramatized...will I ever get over it?

Flowing...

I'm flowing, you know...going with the flow of what comes my way. This means that things are changing in a million directions. First off, I'm not moving to Maine. Secondly, I am moving out of my apartment and so I have to find a new place...ASAP. Third, I am still quitting my job so I need to find something new...lastly, I'm taking the summer to be a bum and I'm not planning to work full time (or part time really).
Don't ask how this all came about, but let's say - it's good, it's cool, it's right.

Confusion Rains

I'm so confused right now that it's sending my emotions into a bit of whirl wind. I'm trying to stay focus and grounded and I'm doing okay but if I stop and think about life...I start to get scared.

I have a lot of stuff on my mind...friends, family, new friends, new dating interests, and a giant move. I know that it's God's will and I'm suppose to be doing this right now I just need to take a step back and make sure that I'm putting all my faith in him and letting him do what's right. When you try to take control yourself, things get all messed up.

It's just hard. I want to spend time with Elisha, Stacey and Nicole but they have a lot going on and I'm worried about leaving in eight days with little time with them. Then, there's my family who I haven't gone to Woodland to visit in a month, Yikes! Then there's Brad...which I don't know what I'm doing there since I barely know the guy and I have to take off. I hate to see him fade into the background. My apartment is nearly packed, I'm almost done...it's just a matter of moving everything now.

Life

Things are changing and yes I'm scared. I'm terrified of leaving California for the six months I will be gone. I feel like my life was really coming together and now I have to drop everything and pick it up again. Start over, again.
I want to do this because I know it's God's will and it's what I'm suppose to be doing, I just have to get over my own emotions associated with the whole thing. I know I'm coming back and six months is really no time at all...but something in my gut wants to hold onto the past and I just can't, I know...I need to move forward, that's the direction the world goes in.

Happy and Tired

Brad and I hung out tonight. It was a grand time. His friends were wonderful. I don't remember the last time I felt so at ease with someone else's friends...in fact, I think it's safe to say...maybe never.
We had mucho hot tub time which was good, my muscles actually aren't sore any more. Yippee!
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On much sadder note, Wally went home today. My house sure feels empty. I miss him! I miss his kisses, his spunk, his required love and his unaltered faith in me. I love that little guy. I hope that he's happy and well cared for with Brian or I'll just completely lose my mind!

Physical Edge

For the first time...maybe ever...I hit my physical edge yesterday.
I went to Pipe Works to do some climbing. Brad had me start on a 5-8 high wall and by the time I got to the ground, my arms were completely toasted! We then went over and attempted some bouldering, it was pointless for me, my arms were already done. I attempted a few V0- spots and they didn't work, I got one V0 out but then my arms called it a night. It sucked because I really wanted to climb more but my body just didn't want to. Does that ever happen to you? Do you ever hit your physical edge and get really frustrated by the fact that you can't do whatever it is that you want to? Anyway, Brad and I then hit the slack line, which I sucked at too. It just wasn't my day for that environment, I was aggravated by the whole thing since I wanted to do it all...but...nooooooo...at least I was in good company. That sure did make a huge difference.
Today, my arms are still sore but in a different way. I know I can't climb for a few days and that sucks but oh well, really I should be learning to treat my body with more respect. I guess this is just God's way of forcing that on me, huh?
Oh yeah, I saw Cinnamon yesterday and we had a nice good chat. She noticed some stuff about me that I already knew and wanted to mention to her, stuff that's kinda new this week...it was funny that she could tell without me even mentioning it. She's good!
Saturday I get to finally see the girls again, I can't wait...I miss their company. They always have great things to talk about and my experiences with them are always so positive. I need more of that in my life.
I schedule for my job in Maine arrived last night. It looks like I'm going to be allllllllll over the state. It's rather crazy when I look at it, but I know it'll be a lot of fun.

A Rant

It is time for one of my famous rants...
Dear women's restroom users,
I understand that you are in a rush, I get that you have better things to do. But, it would mean so much to me if you could do as your mother taught you and flush your toilet. I'm not asking that much, just one flush, two need not be completed. Don't just tap the handle, please pause and watch the glory of your creation disappear before your eyes. Enjoy the magic of the toilet.
If you could find the time to simply complete this task it would make me that much cheerier. I would no longer find myself checking stall after stall for a clean place to sit. I would no longer have the unfortunate chance of viewing...well...the rather unpleasant sights I've seen.
Do you think this is asking too much? If so, I ask that you please return to the barn in which you were raised or find a bush outside to defecate on. It only seems fair that the humane individuals ought to enjoy the privilege of the bathroom and that the more animalistic among us, ought not.

Update to March 26th Posting

On March 26th I announced that I had 52 pages of writing to complete in just 25 days. I would like to provide an update on my completely insane writing requirements.
As of today, I have 13 days to complete:
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 5 pages still gotta do that...
1 The Grass is Singing paper of at least 7 pages still gotta do that...
1 Virginia Woolf paper of at least 14 pages (not be over lapped with the first paper) only 2 pages left here...thank God!
1 Annotated bibliography for King Lear paper DONE!!
1 Shakespeare's King Lear paper of at least 12 pages still gotta do that...
1 Shakespeare's The Tempest paper of at least 4 pages DONE!!
1 Black Elk Speaks paper of at least 3 pages DONE!!
1 Upton Sinclair paper on The Jungle of at least 3 pages still gotta do that...
1 Paper on The Bluest Eye of at least 3 pages DONE!!

That means that in 13 days, I need to complete...29 pages...urrrrggggggggg!

Flirting

Call it what you will - bubbly, flirty, perky...it all boils down to the way that you want to describe it. The other day a girl in one of my classes said "I really appreciate that you're always so perky," I took that as a compliment. But, today when the office staff awarded me Ms. California Flirt 2008 and recommended that I open my own studio to teach people flirting techniques, I was EMBARASSED! Perhaps it was because they are people I work with. Perhaps it was the way that they spent an hour talking about various encounters where they felt I was flirting (all of which weren't actually me flirting...scarily enough). In the end, it was a fun time, I just thought that I had tamed it down a lot as of late.

Fernando once told me "your personality is flirt. You flirt with EVERYONE, male and female. You just flirt." After that I tried to control who I was flirting with to not send the wrong signals...apparently I still haven't nailed that one. I like to think that the guys I actually flirt with can tell the difference.

Climbing

I went today out at Consumnes River Gorge. It was awesome!! It completely kicked ass. There were a few things to consider though...
1 - (In case you didn't know or remember) I'm terrified of heights;
2 - I almost died on at least 2 occasions.
Anyway, the climbing was great, the group rocked, the weather was amazing...! I feel like I'm in pretty good shape but though rocks sure kicked a good one. I'm a bit scratched up but nothing to whine about. I'm also a bit sunburned even though I wore plenty of sunscreen. Oh well...
After top roping we took on some good bouldering and went down to the river. The water was rushing white and stunning. The rocks were in the shade where we went and there nice and cool (of course the water was freezing but refreshing). We had to boulder our way back up and that took a bit more muscle but somehow seemed easier.
On our ride back down from the gorge we stopped at a little market to grab ice cream and cold drinks. It was comical because the building was made of these large rocks so Brad and Ryan went "buildering" (hahaha, new word of the day).
Adventures come highly recommended in my book...so get out there and live!

Blessed

Have I mentioned how blessed I am lately? I am. I have sooooo much and feel like I truly give far too little. I'll share more about my day in a minute but...can you imagine...right now it's 8pm and I'm sitting in my amazing apartment after an hour long chat with my mother. My little dogs are hanging out, I've had a great day...and then I get a knock on my door. It's a man and normally I won't open to someone I don't know but it kinda looked like Brian or Christian so I opened the door. The man said, "I'm your neighbor and I noticed your porch light was out. Do you have it off or is your bulb out cause I'd like to replace it if so." OH MY GOD! Yes, I needed a new bulb. Right now, this amazing man is changing my porch light. What an awesome thing!

Paintball

I just got home from 10 hours of paintball and I'm bruised!!! Big purple spots all over my legs and back. WOW!!! It was a blast! We played two different types. On where we got to run around in the woods and hope that no one saw or found us. Another where we had a course and had to hide behind tires and stuff. It was crazy wild. I got to shoot people and run, hide, crawl in the dirt...I had a great time enjoying something I wasn't sure I'd like at all.
Did mention that I have a huge crush on someone new? Someone who I want to work out. He's super kind hearted, given, adenturous and so many other great things I can list of hours. Oh, and he's SMOKING hot. Normally I would say that I don't stand a chance with someone like him. But, I've got this renewed self-confidence and I feel like I could date anyone I want and not be jealous or insecure. I think I'm at a place in my life where I can finally feel stable with someone who is worthy, but they have to worthy or it isn't gonna work. Anyway, we'll be hanging out tomorrow too so...if things go good, I think I'm gonna ask him out. Can you believe that? I've never asked a guy out but this one just might be worth it. I know I'm leaving in a matter of weeks but I feel like there is something pulling me to at least get to know him better, if it's meant to be it will work...whether that's now or in the future...I don't know...but...let's just see...

Fuck the Comfort Zone

I have this very comfy place I like to live...it's safe, it's soft...no pain involved. Well, today I get the very unwelcomed priviledge of stepping outside of my comfort zone. My boss has asked me to call the nine people we interviewed this week and let them know that they didn't get the job. I'm not a confrontational person and this is perhaps the hardest thing any employer has EVER asked me to do. But, I'm doing it with confidence and without hesitation because I know that I need to learn to say "Fuck you" to my comfort zone.

After dialing, I've decided I ought to say:
“Hello, we appreciate you coming in to interview and wasting both your time and ours. We feel strongly that we have selected a good candidate and that is very much not you. We don’t really wish you the best of luck, but we hope that you find employment elsewhere so that you can begin to pay your taxes and be a contributing member of society. Good ridden and goodbye.”

Sex Positive

So someone was talking today about women who are sex negative and women who are sex positive. I found this concept to be very interesting. It's like, are you HIV+? Are you sex positive?
Although, the meaning is actually do you enjoy sex and are you actively involved in it...are you sex positive? Interesting term huh? I like it, I think that idea of someone being sex positive says something bold about their bedroom behaviors and their person views of sexuality. Do you enjoy your partner for instance? That makes a huge difference on sex and if a person is going to be sex positive in their relationship. If you don't enjoy your partner or like them even...odds are that you are going to be plain sex or sex negative (not the same thing, but simply other options). How do you classify yourself?

Inner Me

Since my complete let go of all those irrational feelings I've held onto, like stupid fears and insecurities...I've found the inner me. I have exciting news about inner me. Inner me is popular and exciting. I was always so afraid of groups and new people. I hated being judged and so I avoided situations that would allow others to judge me. Well, I've stopped caring about those things and I've let that fear go 110%. As a result, it seems that people who are good and fun, friendly and exciting are drawn to me. I have some really great new friends and today it was like the world was begging for tiny pieces of me. At one point, ten people called within the hour. People who just wanted to share their days, their joys, their frustrations...people who didn't actually want anything from me, other than my ear and my thoughts, my friends.
I've found that in allowing the inner me to shine and be what it is, I am happier and shockingly, people like me more. Who would have thought?

Technology Is Not Your Friend

I am having the absolute worst time figuring out a video disc formatting onto computer...grrr....grrr....grrr....I've been trying since late lastnight and it's just not working. I have to present this disc for a grade tomorrow and I feel like such a whiner but..."I can't do it." Mind you I said that in the most nasally voice I could produce.
HELP!
Where are my brilliant friends when I need them most?

David & Profs

Two distinct ideas...completely...unrelated:

I had a nice sit down with dear David today (the first one we've EVER had of this sort, it was rather odd because we were both so nervous at first...it was like we were sitting in this room that was far too big for our two souls). It wasn't intended to be this all knowing very insightful conversations but at the end it was...I can't believe that in only 20 days I'll be heading across the country to perhaps...never talk with him again. How very sad, and yet...so true to all that he's taught me about life. I think it's safe to say that I love him. I do...in my own special way. He'd probably die laughing if I said that. He's convinced that I am secretly plotting the world to kill him...hehehe...dear dear dear David.
Today, it was silly because although we sat down originally to talk about some very specific things on my mind, things I needed to acknowledge in his presence - the conversation ended with him insisting that I needed to stand firm in my own beliefs and really not allow others to push my thoughts in various directions. It was comical to where I'm at in my life. Go figure!
David - thoughtful, kind, true, full of heart...
_______
On a totalllllllllyyyyy different note...I think I need to stop getting the hots for my Professors. There is a very specific subject matter that whenever I take a course in it, I always feel attracted to the instructor. I need to stop that. Major stop that! This Professor in particular isn't hot at all, but today I found myself looking at him and thinking...does he work out? Yikes! I won't even continue that stream of thought...

Interviews

Today began the week long parade of individuals attempting to take my job. We're interviewing 12 people of the 125+ resumes we received. Today we interviewed three people...the first, was informed by my boss that she should be responsible for hole punching all his papers. As I attempted to hide my face and laugh, I realized how silly life is. I don't JUST hole punch papers all day. I think it's funny that my boss considers that a major part of my job.
The second person, was informed by my boss that we have an HRA card. The HRA card is like a visa card for medical expenses. During her interview, my boss realized something and felt the need to share it with her. He asked her "do you think I could take my HRA card to Long's or Walmart and buy some wine?" Again, I find myself hiding my head in laughter.
The third person will fit right in though. She arrived 20 minutes late with a smile on her face. That's exactly how this office functions and I give her two thumbs up!!
_____________
On a different note, I've reflected on this job a bit. This job has seen me through 3 apartments, 2 "serious" boyfriends, and 2 niece/nephew births. I'll miss this place it's silly antics. It's been good to me and I hope the next person who comes here is good to it.

It's More Real Each Day

Life seems to get more real each day. The more time I spend reflecting and really focusing on staying the present, the more...I'm here! It's amazing!
Today I spent time packing my stuff. I almost finished one room. My trip to Maine is starting to get very real. It's strange but the one "thing" I'm gonna miss most is...Wally! Hahaha! That dog brings so much joy into my heart.
______
On a different note, I'm starting to really believe in Karma. Watch out cause karma doesn't play games and if you are not behaving, it will totally come and kick your ass!
__________
I went and saw "Run Fat Boy Run" tonight. I went by myself. Yeah for me! It was a good time. I treated myself to a wonderful night and enjoyed myself thoroughly. I need to take myself out more often.

Love Theory

You know that jitter in the pit of your stomach you feel when you are in the process of falling for someone? That exciting flutter in your gut, the race in your heart? Well, I was presented with a new theory on that feeling and I'm very intrigued by it.
Consider this...love and fear feeling the same.
Fear causes the same response and the same fluttery feeling. So, what makes fear any different from love?
Perhaps what you were actually feeling when you were with that special someone wasn't love at all...but rather a fear...fear of losing them? Fear of losing yourself in them? Fear of something unexamined?
I think perhaps, I have to agree that fear and love feel very similar. I'm not sure I've taken the time in the past to see which one I'm actually feeling.

We Knew That Already

I've said it all along, having a boyfriend or a husband...lets say...a live in male partner, is way more work than any man realizes. That's why women "change" when you live with them. Today it was reported that a study by the University of Michigan showed "Having a husband creates an extra seven hours of housework each week for women." This explains why when we have mates, we are grouchier, tired more and overall unable to do more of the stuff we love. Gosh darn men! Clean your own shit and we'll be nicer people to be around.

______
I'm exploring the non-existance of self. It's a rather interesting idea and I'd like to say that for me, self didn't begin to exist until about mid-March. I was getting closer and closer since January but in mid-March...more to come...when I feel like it...hehehe

Girl Chat

Today was a day for girl chat and gossip....loads of fun!
I got to spend some time with J.S. today. Random!! I haven't seen her in nine years and there she was today on J Street in Downtown. We spoke about everything from the sun to the ground and then exchanged info. We'll have to chat again before I leave. I know that I will certainly make time in my life for her. I want to catch up on her, she's a great person, a wonderful resource of information and worldly wisdom.
Next, I went to dinner with Elisha at Chevy's on the River. It was wonderful! We had a good time and so much to chat about. We can always chat until our throats are sore. We both are just talkative people. We shared some rather funny stories about pets, family and our ex's. It was great! She is a really unique person and one of those friends you just don't find all that often.
Last, I got to chat a little with Alena tonight. She's doing good...being herself of course. She might spend the summer in New York. That would kick ass since she'd be in just one state away from me. AMAZING! I sure hope that works out. I love getting to spend time with her and would certainly make the trip to the big city to see her if she ends up there.
Oh, today is Brandon's birthday. Did I mention that? I also emailed my buddy Josh to check in on his life. I love my guy pals. They sure are a core for me. They tell me the truth even when I don't wanna hear it. They are solid and real 100% of the time.

Shakes

The thing about gastroparesis is that for anything a normal person does, it takes someone with GP ten times as much effort. Today is one of those days. I spent my day helping the county shelter with an animal adoption event and at about noon I though my body was on the brink of collapse. I was having really bad hand tremors and my energy level is pretty much non-existent. I've had a lot of good days lately, but today I really felt the effects of low blood sugar and dehydration.
Sometimes I think it sure would be nice to trade bodies with someone else. Yet, I also know that few people would be able to suck it up and just keep going. There are so many people in the world who take the easy way out. People who would simply get disability and sit around their house...weak people. Although I'd love to do that, I know that deep down I'd be so miserable. Regardless of how shitty I feel or how much I'm shaking, I feel this deep something within me that screams for me to just keep going.

My Body is Incharge

I don't make decisions...my body does. Today I had to say "sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep." Have you had that problem before? I haven't, at least that I remember. Although, today I was tired, very tired, my body didn't wanna stay awake any more...any it was only 2pm. HA!
My body decides a lot of things for me and I have to just go along with them all. It decides who I'm attracted to and who I'm not. When to eat, drink or sleep. When to crave something, what to crave...I could go on and on. Overall, my point is...sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep...forgive me...it wasn't you, it really wasn't me either, it was 100% my body.

My New Job

My first day on the new job is May 1st. I'm starting to get excited. I got informed today that May 1st, the Director of Literacy and me are set to do something...apparently we're going to drive to Augusta to partake in a committee meeting focused on "how learning disabilities in adults influence all of our work. The commitee includes reps from adult education, labor department..."
I'm so excited! This is exactly what I've always wanted to do - help others, learn about programs that others can use and help people in need find those programs so that they can achieve their personal goals. I have a feeling I'm going to fall in love with the job. I just know it!